Purple Rain: A Millennial’s Analysis

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Purple Rain was released in 1984 and became a classic 80’s cult film. But the question remains…do the Purple One’s acting chops realistically translate in 2017? Is this movie cheesy? Would any of us really fuck a 5’2” guy on a purple motorcycle with conservatively heeled boots?!!?!

Enjoy the recap and decide for yourself:

Ok, so Prince, aka  “The Kid” lives in Minnesota and plays at this very typical 80’s club with his band The Revolution. Apollonia is a thirsty wannabe singer that doesn’t pay for cabs and sneaks into hip Minnesota clubs. These are a thing?

Apollonia knocking over a waitress with all of her drinks and asking for a job 10 seconds later is SO relatable.

I think we can all agree that even by 2017 standards, Apollonia is an extremely weird name.

The Revolution has some serious competition from another band, The Time. I can kind of see why because they wear big jackets and have fun dance moves.

The lead singer of The Time, Morris Day, has the hots for Apollonia and he wants to put together a hot girl group for the club. The club owner is down but he’s like, okay but nothing dirty because I have enough problems, whatever that means….he agrees that if Morris can get a semi-talented, non-slutty girl group up in the club, he’ll get rid of Prince’s band.

Back at the clurrrrb, The Kid awkwardly lingers around Apollonia with his Prince glasses on and she’s like, feeling it. He later semi-steals her boot charm (?) and gives her a ride on his purple motorcycle.

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Apollonia is like, can you help me with my music career and Prince is like nah but you can go baptize yourself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka.

Apollonia takes her clothes off and jumps into a body of water that we quickly learn is NOT Lake Minnetonka. Then he drives off. Classic Prince move!

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**Important scarf moment**

He comes back in like five minutes and to further encourage the theory that women love assholes, Apollonia quickly forgives him. I don’t know about you, but if a 5’2” guy in purple pants got me to strip and jump in a cold river and then DROVE OFF, I’d probably be over it. Then again, I’m not trying to make a singing career happen at an 80’s dance club so what the fuck do I know.

Anyhoo, The Kid is having major problems with his band. He never plays any of the songs they write and is just an overall douche in general. We also find out that he is having MAJOR problems at home (i.e. his dad is abusive) and I think his mom is possessed by a demon. This has yet to be confirmed.

Morris wants to bang Apollonia big time and buys her a bottle of champs at the club. Apparently underage drinking is legal in Minnesota?

Since I’ve already seen Apollonia’s boobs 20 minutes into this film, I am a bit worried she is not the best choice for the non-slutty girl group idea. No judgement.

Is Apollonia’s “King Kong” reference about Prince’s chest hair or is she being racially insensitive?

The Kid and Apollonia’s 80’s style foreplay in his groovy basement will not at all make you uncomfortable!

Blah blah blah The Kid is always late to band practice and won’t play they girls’ music. WE GET IT. Are Lisa and Wendy a couple? Or do they just draw on matching face moles for fun?

Apollonia sells her tacky boot bracelet to buy The Kid a guitar he was eyeing earlier. Probably too soon in the “relationship” for large gifts, but maybe the sex was worth it. I’m going to assume it was.

She brings her way-too-soon gift over to Prince’s bang palace and receives a cheap hoop male earring in return. Then she casually goes, “oh I’m going to join Morris’ not at all slutty girl group!”. The Kid does the reasonable thing and SLAPS THE SHIT OUT OF HER. Needless to say, she dips.

The club owner tells The Kid that The Revolution is on the verge of getting cut from the club because allegedly there is a new hot group called APOLLONIA 6!!!!!???? I WONDER WHO COULD BE IN THAT GROUP?!

Cue “When Doves Cry” and experience a Minnesota -themed montage of Prince being the tiny, purple-clad bad-ass that he is. Moments include: throwing rocks into a stream, shed sex, and aggressive motorcycle riding.

Prince comes home and his mom is crying because she probably just got her ass kicked and you know, she’s possessed. He bursts in the house and twirls around screaming ANSWER ME MOTHER FUCKER in a totally not-femme manner. Please observe:

He finds his a-hole dad playing music on the piano. I guess this is done to tell us that The Kid and his father have a lot in common, such as: hitting women and playing music. Groundbreaking.

The Kid playing guitar shirtless with a lace blindfold and matching glove is probably the most important part of this film. God I love the 80’s.

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Making Lisa simulate a BJ on stage isn’t even the most degrading thing The Kid has done to her so far. The club scene is displeased.

While no one can deny The Kid’s talent, his over-the-top erotic performances make the club owner uncomfortable and he’s over it. Probably would do well for the VMAs though.

Number of times Apollonia has cried at Prince’s performances so far: 2. Strange considering his music is literally about fucking.

Club owner: “Nobody digs your music but you!”

Prince: “Fuck off!”

Club owner: “Like father, like son.”

If the club owner was a woman, he would have been slapped at this point.

Cut to Minnesota’s second hottest club: “The Taste” and experience Apollonia and two other girls performing in straight-up lingerie and singing “I’m a sex-shooter”. Not trying to slut-shame, but what happened to the tasteful girl group idea?

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Apollonia kind of resembles Tim Curry’s character in Rocky Horror Picture Show.

I like how Prince doesn’t even try to be low-key while he stalks her new girl group.

Do I really have to explain that Apollonia gets drunk and Prince hits her again? It happens.

Number of times Prince has come home to drama: too many to count

Slaps across Apollonia’s face: 2

Apologies for said slaps: 0

Shirtless performances: 2

The movie takes a dark turn when The Kid’s dad shoots himself. He doesn’t die though.

Are things ever going to look up for Prince? Only a rocking night at the club will tell.

Pretty sure singing an emotionally-driven ballad dedicated to your suicidal father is the definition of bringing your personal shit on stage. Hypocrisy, thy name is…club owner guy.

The big finale: The Kid manages to win literally everyone over by singing “Purple Rain”. There are no wounds so deep that an 80’s ballad can’t cure them. Plus The Kid has finally changed his douchey ways by playing Lisa and Wendy’s music!

10/10 would bang Prince and watch again.

Drunk Kalee: This movie great, Prince is great, you couldn’t ask for a better soundtrack.

College Kalee: While The Kid makes questionable and sometimes alarming choices within his relationships, one can see the detrimental toll his father’s abusive nature has taken on the young performer. Once The Kid truly begins to accept their similarities, he grows both emotionally as well as creatively, forgoing his aggressive nature towards Apollonia, and finally opening up to the other bandmates’ creative insights.

Think about it.

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Monthly Movie Review: The Princess Diaries

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I’m going to preface this by saying WE ALL KNOW that Anne Hathaway is totally obnoxious, but I will cut her some slack because this was basically her first film and she is not completely awful in it. That being said, The Princess Diaries is a great movie for a few reasons:

1. Julie Andrews

2. San Francisco

3. ERIK VON DETTEN

So, Anne Hathaway plays this…let’s just say it…ugly girl who lives in San Francisco with her mom. She has giant hair, messy eyebrows, glasses, the works. She even throws up giving a speech in front of all her classmates to seal her awkwardness. She’s in love with Erik Von Detten (who wouldn’t be?!) but he’s dating Mandy Moore because they’re popular and Anne (aka Mia) is totally lame so no one really notices her, despite her giant hair.

Julia Andrews, Mia’s grandma, comes to visit from Genovia (which turns out, is not a real place) to basically drop a bomb on Mia- she’s a princess!!!! Mia’s dad was the prince of Genovia but he died, so Mia basically has to take over. Julie Andrews is not super thrilled about the idea because Mia is a trainwreck but she decides to give Mia princess lessons so she doesn’t fuck up this fake country.

Mia is like ehhh I’m really not into this but I’ll think about it just don’t tell anyone!! So she’s undercover taking princess lessons and trying to learn how to be proper and shit while also dealing with regular high school shit, i.e. : pining after the hot guy, wearing a retainer, P.E., and having a really weird friend named Lily who has a cable show no one watches.

Insert classic makeover scene here. Mia ends up looking like, well, regular Anne Hathaway and Lily’s brother Michael is like HELLO but she doesn’t notice because she’s in love with Brink still. Michael is actually pretty cute but in an artsy sort of way.

Her weird hairdresser/makeover guy ends up spilling to the press that Mia is a princess so everyone goes craaazy and there are camera crews at the school and Mia is like dammit this sucks UNTIL EVD is all hey I dumped Mandy Moore we should go to the Baker Beach Bash together(I just want to add that I lived in San Francisco for 5 years and never once got invited to a Baker Beach Bash)! Mia in no way shape or form thinks it’s weird that this stud is into her immediately after she is sort of a celebrity so she’s pumped. Oh, also, Michael low key asked Mia on a date that’s the same night as the Baker Beach party so she blows him off because, duh, it’s Erik Von Detten. Michael is sad but Mia doesn’t really give a shit.

The Baker Beach party is going well until it turns out Von Detten and Mandy Moore are media whores and fuck with Mia to get on TV, basically trying making out in front of the reporters and getting the photographers to take a picture of Mia while she’s changing. Fucked up. So Mia goes home and cries.

Blah blah blah Mia tries to actually be a princess by going to events and acting proper and is getting ok at it. She still does awkward things like catch someone’s arm on fire and drop stuff so thet you don’t forget she’s the same person even though she’s not hideous anymore.

Mia and Julie Andrews start bonding more and she takes her to Fisherman’s Wharf which I would never recommend. Mia she tries to make up with Michael but he’s over it at this point and feels like a back burner bitch so Mia is sad. She has this event she’s supposed to go to where she basically is going to announce she’s a princess but she’s like fuck this, I don’t want to go, but her shitty Mustang can’t make it up San Francisco’s hills and it’s raining so her bodyguard Joe (who has sexual tension with Julia Andrews) comes to get her.

She shows up to the, I don’t know, inauguration? in jeans and a hoodie and wet hair and gives a pretty decent speech about taking on the princess role, showing how far she’s come since her barfing days. She gets made up all pretty and wears a crown and then everyone starts dancing and she awkwardly stands there because she has no date. Michael slowly appears through the crowd with a tux on looking all cute and they dance and make out in the courtyard and it’s actually pretty sweet.

This movie is a winner because it’s filmed in the best city ever, where they literally take the weirdest routes to get to certain places and includes super funny lines such as:

Mia: “Just because your hair sucks, get off mine!”

Michael: “Ouch, thank you.”

Mia: “Do you want to slide in first?”

Julie Andrews: “No, I never slide.”

Nun 1: “Hello 911? I’d like to report an accident. They put me on hold!”

Nun 2: “Oh for the love of God.”


4 Stars! Don’t watch the sequel.

Monthly Movie Review: Jerry Maguire

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If you don’t hate Tom Cruise yet you should definitely check this movie out. First of all, it is way better than Top Gun, and guys also don’t mind watching it with you because there are a lot of sports in it.

Tom is a sports agent who wears nice suits and is doing super well in his life. He just got engaged and works in this giant office and blah blah blah things are on the upswing. Renee Zellweger (who actually is semi attractive in this movie) is a kind of frumpy accountant who works in his office and is totally in love with him. She has this really cute kid with giant glasses who is allergic to the pillows on planes.

Tom (who’s name is Jerry in this movie, duh) visits one of his clients after he’s had a concussion and his little kid (who is totally Drake from Drake and Josh!) tells Jerry to fuck off because obviously he’s sick of his dad getting concussions. Jerry goes home and is super upset; he has a mini melt down and writes what he will call a “mission statement” even though it’s like a billion pages long. He then proceeds to go to Kinko’s and print a fucking bound copy for everyone in the office. His sentiment in the “mission statement” is actually really nice, it’s about not being greedy, representing fewer clients for less money, and basically just like, giving a shit about athletes.

Jerry gets fired like 4 days later and tries to salvage all of his clients but only lands Cuba Gooding Jr. who is a so-so football player with a bad attitude but makes Jerry yell SHOW ME THE MONEY and I LOVE BLACK PEOPLE to keep him as a client so I’d say it’s a win.

He makes a really embarrassing scene as he exits the office by stealing a fish and basically begging people to come join this “new” company that he’s going to start. Everyone just kind of sits there and then Renee Zellweger is like ok well I am obsessed with this guy so yeah let’s go for it.

So basically Renee (aka Dorothy) has made a potentially huge mistake as a single mother and definitely becomes aware of this when she asks Jerry if he’ll have a dental plan in the elevator. These deaf people come in and make a bunch of hand gestures that kind of seem like, obscene, maybe? And Jerry is like whoa wonder what they’re signing about and Dorothy is like I actually kind of low-key know sign language and they said “you complete me”.

Anyhoo, Jerry dumps his hot fiancée because she doesn’t really support him having no job basically and she calls him a loser and kicks him in the balls. Jerry gets hammered and goes over to Dorothy’s pad. BRILLIANT!

This is hilarious because Dorothy lives with her totally bitter sister who holds divorced women’s meetings at their house. She puts on the mom-version of a slutty top and is like wow you broke up with your fiancée that is way too bad! Then she says “your memo totally inspired me, Jerry” and then he says “it was a mission statement” and grabs her boob and kisses her. She’s kind of thrilled but plays it off pretty well and then Jerry leaves.

Jerry is trying to land this up and coming football star who’s last name is Cushman. I can’t remember his first name. He goes over to Cushman’s dad’s house and the dad is basically like we’re going to stay with you but I’m not going to sign a contract (?). Jerry is a dipshit and somehow thinks this is good news. He goes to this sports…thing with Cuba Gooding Jr. where they basically schmooze everyone and Cuba Good Jr. is hilarious. Jerry heads over to Cushman’s hotel room where he finds out that they actually signed with the company Jerry got fired from so he just lost his best client (that he never really had if you ask me) and then Jerry is a drunk mess again.

While this is seemingly horrible news, we get to watch Jerry deal with Cuba Gooding Jr. and his pregnant crazy wife which is very fun.

Jerry ends up going on a “date” with Dorothy and they totally bang afterwards. The next morning, Dorothy is telling her Debbie Downer sister how totally in love she is with Jerry at a way-too-high speaking octave and he hears her and she is mortified but he’s nice about it. I think it’s pretty obvious that Jerry doesn’t like Dorothy but literally has nothing going on in his life and he likes her kid because his glasses are huge.

Dorothy pulls a semi dramatic move by taking a job in San Diego and right after they pack everything up Jerry goes “if we got married would you stay?”. GREAT MOVE! Of course Dorothy says yes and they have a pretty shitty (IMO) backyard wedding where you can see Jerry looking miserable the entire time.

Dorothy eventually catches on that her husband doesn’t like her and they split up. Cuba Gooding Jr. gets rocked during an NFL game and basically looks dead. His wife is freaking out and Jerry is freaking out and then CBJ gets up and everyone is like OMG greatest football player ever! So Jerry’s career is back on track at this point, I guess. Everyone is celebrating and there’s dramatic music and Jerry realizes he has no one to hug and celebrate with and so he goes to find Dorothy.

Jerry makes it to Dorothy’s house where the divorced women’s group is in full swing and he gives a not so impressive speech but he does say “you complete me” which is kind of cute because remember, those deaf people did that in the elevator. Then Dorothy says “you had me at hello” and they get back together and seem pretty happy.

5 stars!