We’re Just Not That Into You, Part 2

I am truthfully not really an expert on anything, especially males. I haven’t been on a date in…I’m not even sure how long. My marriage didn’t work out, and even though it’s Friday night, I am in bed drinking wine with no pants on with a sleeping kitten on my lap. I’ve had my fair share of disappointments, sure, but in reality I’m just lucky enough to have the type of personality where people open up to me easily. Hence, I’ve gathered a lot of exciting, intriguing, and soul-sucking information when it comes to dating in your 20’s.

I don’t know what it was like for my mom, or her mom, or her mom’s mom when they were younger, but let’s just make it simple and say dating was different. There weren’t apps, women were FAR less equal, and they didn’t have filters, reality shows, or excessive plastic surgery to make themselves feel like shit on the daily.

Women’s lives were kinda crappy, sure, but men were different too. Men were like, a necessity back in the day. Hey ladies, want to open a bank account? Get married. Want to do anything, ever? At all? You probably need a man to help you. For generations, men have been the problem solvers, the fixers, the DOERS! Go men!

But now, that’s just not the case. Sure, if my toilet is broken or there’s a dead animal, car or money issue that I need immediate assistance with, my dad is on speed dial. All in all, though, women are self-reliant. We (kinda) make the same money now, we can have our own bank accounts, we’re (again, kinda) in charge of our reproductive health, our bodies, and our sexual choices. We’re educated, we’re outspoken, and now we can just hire people to do the shit we don’t want to do. Relationships, marriage, and men as a whole are much more of a choice, rather than a need.

While this is a really exciting development and time of growth for my female friends and me, most of us would be lying if we said that we sat down and reaaaally thought about how this is effecting the dudes around us. What does it feel like to be unnecessary? What’s it like to be the end all be all, and now just like…dessert sometimes?

Even speaking to my almost 60-year-old father, he said it’s taken him YEARS to realize that most of the time, when I’d call him and rant, that I didn’t expect him to fix anything, but that I just wanted to someone to LISTEN. Men are used to fixing, repairing, correcting, and doing…so what happens when time and time again, women simply say: “nah, I got it”?

It’s an interesting reality to live in, to be sure. And I’d venture to say that the growth of dating apps has escalated in direct correlation to men’s newfound laziness. But, what else has changed is the level of male craziness.

One of the arguably greatest parts of being a man is being able to say “she was crazy” every time a relationship or fling ended, and every person accepting that as sound fact. That doesn’t really seem to be working anymore. I feel that the “craziness” has changed. Men, you are the crazy ones now.

Here are a few anonymous examples:

  1. I had a coworker scroll through her phone for no less than FIVE MINUTES showing a text conversation from a guy who sent her a bunch of pictures of his boat. She did not ask for any of these photos, and she only sent him one word answers along the lines of: “cool”, “alright”, and “anyways”. This doesn’t just go for boat pictures. Do I even need to discuss unsolicited dick pics?
  2. A roommate who will go unnamed was asked out by her manager, who stole her number from the schedule, proceeded to text and called her repeatedly until she finally agreed to meet up. After a few drinks, it came about that she had had a one night stand with one of the bar backs who also worked at the restaurant (upwards of 3 months before said manager even became employed at the establishment). Once he found out this information, he immediately flew into a fit of rage, told her he felt disrespected, and sent her home so he could “think things over”. He called her about 13 minutes later, telling her he was sorry, but she should drive back because “it isn’t that far of a drive and he would do the same for her”.
  3. A friend of mine was on a dating app which encourages (sorry, requires) the girl to make the first move. After swiping right on a guy with a plethora of cute pit bull puppy pics, she made the first move and asked if she could hear more about his dog. He proceeded to send her 10 photos of the puppy, and after she suggested a do park meet up, he told her she was being too aggressive.
  4. SOMEONE I KNOW finally gathered up the courage to try butt stuff for the first time after consuming lots and lots of alcohol. After Ubering over, doing the deed, and feeling pretty accomplished in her sex life, she then had to sit outside on the patio while the guy talked about his ex girlfriend the entire time and that all he really wants is to “find love and start a family”.

These are just a minor portions of the weird and unnecessary situations my female friends have all found themselves in. All of us know that if we acted any other way than kind, patient, and sort of understanding, all of these various gentlemen would lecture us about “catching feelings”, “being crazy”, or “coming on too strong”. But like…is that the case?

I’m not sitting here arguing that women are not suddenly super stable. But, are we still going to keep blaming “the moon” and her “cycle”, or are we going to take one ounce of accountability and realize that hey, you’re lazy, you’re a luxury item at this point, and you don’t have enough to offer to be acting this way?

I’m cynical enough to know that a man admitting fault is just not in the stars, but hey, it doesn’t hurt to throw out a theory. It worked for Darwin.

Anybody else feeling this? Or am I crazy?

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We’re Just Not That Into You


So, to be fair, I haven’t been single for THAT long, and jumping back into the dating game is a personal hell I just don’t want to wish upon myself right now. However, I do have two single roommates, and a fair amount of single friends. We tend to group up- like hyenas.

While my stress levels are probably the lowest they’ve ever been, and my nights are totally dedicated to me, myself, and I, which I admittedly love, there is something very weird going on in the single community that I would be amiss not to comment on.

I’m not going to sit here and call me and all of my single friends hoes, or anyone a hoe, really, but being sexually active, and just enjoying sex is a characteristic of women, too. I know plenty of girls my age who like casual sex, are completely safe about it, and don’t want a boyfriend. FEMINISM.

I myself would venture to say that while I’m not particularly interested in going on a banging spree, I definitely don’t want to throw myself into another relationship anytime soon. Just because you want to hang out with a guy, have sex with him, and maybe you know, share a meal here and there doesn’t mean you want to lock it down forever. Women, just like men, can have commitment issues, and even- believe it or not- no desire to be tied down in their 20’s.

This is completely easy for me and all my female friends to understand, but for whatever reason, this sentiment is totally lost on guys. Pretty much every girl I know who has stayed the night at a guy’s house even once has been sat down and drilled with some type of talk about how she can’t catch feelings for him and how much he wants to keep things casual.

As much as I love to call people out, I’ll try to keep things as anonymous as possible here…

Do you know how unattractive you become when you start telling girls that they can’t start “falling” for you? You’re not even a 6!!!!

I personally, have had guys cook breakfast for me, give me massages, pay for all of my food and drinks, sacrifice their arm as a pillow for me to sleep on for the entire night, text me throughout the day, ask me to meet their parents, introduce me to all of their friends, and then see the need to tell ME that I need to slow down, and that they don’t want to date me, all without me ever communicating that I have an interest in dating them.

At the risk of sounding like a complete conceited bitch, I am arguably more attractive and interesting than anyone who has ever said this to me. Sorry, I know that’s uncool but…what has gotten into all of these guys heads that makes them think they’re such a catch? I get being afraid of being locked to one person when you’re not even 30 yet, but like, check your ego dude, the last thing I want to do is introduce yet another bartender to my parents. We’ve been through enough.

I had one guy lecturing me about how “into him” I was and that I needed to “slow down” while I was in the middle of texting another guy and checking my Bumble matches. I was barely listening and was so distracted by his stupid shirt that I hoped no one had seen us out in public.

I think the weirdest part about the whole thing is that for the most part, I have only seen the guys initiating the relationship-type behavior they’re so fearful of. This one guy took my friend on a couple’s massage and spoiled her all day, and then when she proceeded to buy him a birthday present, he freaked out and said he needed space. He told her he had said from the beginning that he wanted to keep it “hang loose” and that she was overwhelming him.

These are the same guys that rant on and on about how much they love being single but are the first ones to watch your Instagram and Snapchat stories like a fucking stalker. You know we can see your activity, right guys?

Granted, there are girls out there with wife eyes, and do really want a boyfriend, but to freak out every single time a female reciprocates an action that YOU have initiated is just fucking bizarre.

I guess if there are any guys out there who read my blog, I’d just want you to know that a very large percentage of us are really just not that eager to be your girlfriend, and you need to calm down. But I’m guessing you’ll probably just call us a slut or crazy anyway.

You’re all idiots.

How to Deal With Niceness

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I’ve had two major romantic relationships in my life. One lasted over two years, but I was never verbally acknowledged as a “girlfriend” and I’m about 100000% sure I got fooled around on for one of those magical years. The second one didn’t even make the one year stretch but we did live together, got a cat together, unleashed the L-world, created an enormous “us versus them” lifestyle and basically emotionally damaged the shit out of each other.

I don’t want to claim that these guys are bad people, or that anyone I’ve casually or not-so-casually dated is a bad person. We just weren’t right for each other. Bad timing.

I know for a fact I am not the only girl who has a history of falling for guys who are just not good for them.  I have been on plenty of dates with nice clean guys who have a nice clean driving record and plenty of nice clean shirts. Why these types of guys have never appealed to me is a fucking mystery. I’ve seen and skimmed “He’s Just Not That Into You”, and the whole theory of liking guys that treat you like shit because your parents told you the mean boy that kicked sand in your face secretly likes you is intriguing, but I’m not sold on it. For one, my parents never told me that, and for another, it’s not that black and white. There is a world of difference between getting sand kicked in your face and being manipulated into driving a truck full of pain killers through the Sequoias (random example…or is it?). I want a bad boy with a sensitive side- sue me.

I know that some of my friends who are reading this don’t even know what I’m talking about. They have guys who support them and adore them and actually add them on Facebook. But there are some of us (I’d venture to say a lot of us) who CHOOSE men who just won’t give us the love we so desperately want.

Be it my dad issues, rescue mentality, or just straight up being a regular female– I’ve pretty much found a way to pick someone who just isn’t a good fit,  which has ultimately lead to the brick fortress that surrounds my heart today. Sad story, but I don’t think I would have created this blog without it.

So let’s just say…for the sake of a blog topic, that you find someone who is loving and kind and doesn’t bore you. Someone that you actually, truly, genuinely like back- that you don’t want to rescue, change, or control… what the fuck do you do? How do you stop being bitter and apprehensive and scared shit-less that something horrible is going to happen? How do you find the balance between all that you’ve worked to achieve and now, this?

How do you let someone in without losing yourself? How do you trust your journey?

I’ve recently made an effort to meditate (I know, I know). I’ve taken some guided meditation and breathing classes, and each one has left me more physically sick and anxiety ridden than the next. Understandably freaked out, I spoke to a couple of professionals about this, and they told me that it’s normal, that my body and heart are making space for all the delightful bliss to enter. Which means that I have to keep going, keep trying, so that I can rid the shitty stuff first. Bad things and bad dudes are GOING to happen. Your heart is going to hurt in unfathomable ways. I think it’s quite easy to get stuck in a place of hurt, and anger, and feeling unworthy. It’s easy to stay there.

I want to tell you that since starting this blog  I’ve completely gotten my shit together and now I know how to have a healthy, functioning relationship. I’d like even more to tell you that my yoga and writing career just took off and I’m this incredibly independent, empowered woman. Jesus I’d like to even tell you I’m a lesbian now. None of that’s true (sorry, ladies!). I’m on a slow moving train to a few of these objectives.

I’m feeling really happy these days. Really safe, too. But I’m scared that my hobbies will suffer, my work, this blog. I don’t want to lose it. The bigger part of me is hopeful. I think that my tiny little Grinch heart is finally ready for kindness. So I’m diving in, pulling the trigger.

Wish me luck?

A Complete Guide to Making Women Feel Crazy

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Well hello there! If you’ve stumbled across this post with interest you’re probably a giant douche. Welcome! Here you will find a simple, yet informative guide to treating women like shit, confusing them, fucking with their heads, and (hopefully) how to turn them into emotionally damaged wrecks. Enjoy!

First things first, where did you meet this girl? Was it a bar? Perhaps online? Anywhere where you were in a position of power and she vulnerable? Great! That makes it so much easier for your to be a tool. Why don’t you start things off by offering her an insincere compliment? Buy her a drink so she loosens up! Ask for her number and make sure to put a happy face in the first text so she thinks you might actually be a nice person. Tell her how great it was to meet her! LIE!

Once you’ve got her number and her attention, be sure to ask her out on a date, somewhere non-threatening so she knows you’re not a rapist. Sushi is always nice. Wear a clean shirt. Smile and nod a lot when she talks so she can’t tell how bored you are, and that you’re slowly plotting all the ways to drop her like a hot potato. This will not only entertain you, but she won’t suspect a thing!

Take her on a few more dinner dates so she thinks you respect her. That will really fuck with her head!  Introduce her to a friend or roommate so she starts to feel welcome. Whenever she says she likes something say, ME TOO so it seems like you have shit in common. Tell her how pretty she is. Tell her she’s amazing while you picture her naked. Zone out during her story about her family!

Whenever you get ready for bed, chuckle to yourself knowing that she’s texting her friends telling them she thinks she finally met a great guy! What a riot!

Make sure to hint around the idea of a label, but tell her that you really don’t like them. Girlfriends? Bleh!

Empty gestures are the key to making women feel awful. Give them a try! You’ll love them. Say things like- “I’ll call you soon!” “Let’s get dinner tomorrow” “I’d love it if you met my parents” Maintain eye contact while you lie! It’s super fun.

Once she gets comfortable enough to spend the night at your house, or better yet, fuck you- start pulling back! Plan a night out with the guys- you deserve it! Ignore her texts for a few hours, just because you can. Now would be a great time to hit up an ex girlfriend, or just conveniently text another girl you met recently. Ask her to send you a dirty picture! Once you notice your current lady’s confidence start to waver, hit her hard. Cancel some plans! That would be fun. Bail out on dinner last minute and tell her you fell asleep! That one’s a classic.

Once you’ve managed to fuck with her enough that she calls you once or twice, or sends a text saying “what’s going on” “is everything ok?” just drop of the face of the earth. Act like your dead! But make sure your friends still tag you on social media so she gets REAL confused. This next part is crucial: don’t offer any explanation! Seriously! Disappearing from someone’s life is a great way to emotionally damage them and ensure they won’t trust another man for months, hell, years! Tell all your friends what a crazy nut case she is while you get drunk wearing a deep v neck!

You may think you’ve finished your mission here, and you’re definitely close- but keep an eye on her social media jusssst in case you see her start to move on, or look happy in any way- then you’ll know it’s time to send her an ambiguous text. Just to fuck with her! Say something like you’ve been thinking about her, or you hope she’s doing well. She’ll never see it coming!

If you think this process may be hard for you, don’t worry- you’re a man after all! It’s in your DNA. Tons of douchey things will come naturally to you. Just remember what’s most important: your penis! Happy dating!

Can I Keep Him?

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All of my pets are rescues. Saved from the streets of Tijuana, left on a doorstep, found in an alley…all of the furry friends in my life have overcame adversities to be smothered in love by yours truly. When I was little I wanted every pet to have a home. I wanted to save all the cats, dogs, bunnies, squirrels, lizards, bugs, whatever. I’m still the person who puts shower spiders in a cup and lets them live to see another day outside. In my mind, they all deserve love, they all need me.

As I slowly but surely become an adult, I have come to find that I now transfer this rescue behavior onto men. My last boyfriend managed to break his hand and collarbone in a two month period. I wouldn’t exactly say I was glad, but I felt pretty great hand delivering care packages, helping him in and out of his sling, and gently rubbing his hair until he fell asleep. He’s almost 30. “Are you ok?” “What do you need?” “What can I do?” are probably my three most commonly used phrases in a relationship.

I lived with one of my exes, and even after we broke up and moved apart, I didn’t even stop to think when he called me drunk one night and didn’t know where he was. I was maneuvering through the streets of PB looking for him before we even hung up the phone.

One time I dated a guy with a full time job, a college degree, a nice place, and a rescue dog of his own. Guess how long that lasted? I couldn’t have been more bored.

The men I’ve gravitated towards are like the pets I’ve rescued. They’re adorable, cuddly, uncoordinated, and will never love me as much as I love them. They will never reciprocate the actions I’ve selflessly showered onto them.

But the real question is: why? Why do I do this to myself? What is this weird rescue mentality all about? Maybe someday a nice guy will scoop me up to let me take naps by the sunny window and feed me when I cry.

I’d like to say that rounding up every issue-ridden guy into a shelter and listing their history would help me stop making such dangerous choices, but I think it would only make me want them more.

Man Hating

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The other day I got called a man hater. It was suggested that just the simple fact of having a blog that lead this person to believe I was a man hater; they then read my blog and confirmed the assumption. I was a bit surprised by this, which isn’t to say I haven’t been called a man hater before- I just didn’t know that was the vibe my writing and personality were giving off so strongly.

Just to be clear, I am not a man hater. I am certainly a Mark Whalberg and broccoli hater, but not men. I often prefer male company because it is so often not filled with competition and cattiness. Some of my best friends are males. My second year of college was spent living with 2 men that I adore like family. I have a really cool brother. I like my dad.

Have most of the men I’ve dated disappointed me? Yeah, but I don’t hate them. As a product of divorced parents I’d like to argue that I’ve managed to maintain a respect for men and relationships without shakiness.

I think that perhaps this idea comes from the fact that I don’t idealize men. I’m only 3 years apart from my brother, so he was basically around my entire life. I know that boys are gross, dirty, and selfish, but I also know that they are sensitive, awkward, and fragile. My brother also knows that girls are not perfect pretty princesses that never poop, but are in fact human beings that are also, gross, dirty, selfish, sensitive, awkward, and fragile. I think people that only have same-sex siblings get confused about these things.

That being said, I do believe that men have a tendency to a bit more self-centered, stupid, and difficult to understand than women.

Genetically speaking, women are prone to be more caring and compassionate because our bodies were designed to make and care for another human. Men have this small window for caring about things that aren’t their own penis, and you gotta grab it quick (the moment, not the penis). My ex (who I don’t hate) came to support me at my first yoga class, but left immediately after because it was a Sunday and football was on. I got a window of sweetness, and I took it graciously.

I’ve actually come to find that girls my age and middle aged women are some of the most annoying people on planet earth. But men of all ages are just stupid. They’re so dumb. This doesn’t mean I hate them. I am getting tired of rolling my eyes all the time though.

I have the personal believe that if you consistently make your female counterpart feel special, she will be happy. I am still uncertain as to how to keep a man on an even level of happy aside from sexual pleasure. And even that isn’t a guarantee.

I’ve never read “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”, but I think the main point is that men and women are different. That’s super. I love men. I love them more when they’re being nice to me, moving my furniture, and giving me presents.

So dear men of the world, thank you for helping me with my car, doing yard work, killing bugs, and giving me piggy-back rides. Thank you also for lying, disappearing, ignoring me during sports, snoring, and forgetting my birthday. You’re the best!

Deja Vu

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Being single (AKA not engaged) in my 20’s gives me lots of time to do all the things I want, like write, drink, watch Bravo, and occasionally date. Even though I love free food, I have to be honest when I say I really don’t enjoy dating. I always feel like I have to present myself in this weird nice way and say things like “I love kids!” or “golf is such an interesting sport!” This could potentially explain why I typically get the fade out after about three months. My actual personality begins to “shine” through and guys start running for the hills.

Any woman in a successful relationship, or just any woman who thinks she’s better than you will say how dating is so important because it will help you figure out what you don’t want. And to that I say, whatever.

I would never claim that life experiences don’t teach you anything, but I will say that it is often a struggle to find out what I’m learning. One definite thing I have gained is that I have this uncanny skill to date the same guy over and over. And over.

Here are the common qualities of the unlucky men who have crossed my path:

Driven. This is obviously not a bad thing. I have never dated a guy who was lazy, or jobless, or didn’t have direction. In fact, the guys I’ve dated have been so dead set on one career it’s hard to get them to talk about anything else.

Workaholics. I used to think that this was just common for guys in my age bracket, but then I discovered that other girls have boyfriends who actually like hanging out with them. All the guys I date are not just driven, but OBSESSED with working. They’re all the type of dudes who feel the need to “stay late” or “work overtime”. They always have their phone out during dinner, they feel weird without their Macbooks, and they frequently break off from society because “work is just really stressful right now!!!!!”

Boring. Sorry to any of my exes that are reading this (I’m assuming none), but one thing you all have in common is that you bore me. I have no one to blame but myself, really, because I’m just not drawn to bad boys. If I date one more accounting major with five of the same polo shirts and an interest in craft beer I swear I’m just going to jump off a cliff.

Gay-ish. Again, this is my fault because I am a total fruit fly and I just love clean looking guys. I continue to date dudes that look like they could swing either way and are way more polished than me. The problem with this one: so far, every guy I’ve dated takes longer to get ready than me.

Great hair. This one probably goes hand in hand with the one above it.

Distracted. I don’t know how else to describe a guy who ignores you frequently, interrupts you mid-sentence, or just straight up forgets they have a date with you. Awesome.

Momma’s Boys. This one kills me. I don’t know WHY I have drawn so many mother-dependent men into my life, especially because not one bit of me is maternal. YOUR MOM DOESN’T KNOW EVERYTHING YOU CHUMP CUT THE CORD ALREADY.

Uncertain. Another one I’d love to blame on my age group but the amount of engagement rings that have been thrown around this year lead me to believe otherwise. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have commitment issues myself, but I mean COME ON. It’s almost laughable at this point how often I’ve heard that “I just don’t want to call you my girlfriend right now” or “I’m not really sure what I want!” It’s always presented in such a “poor me” way too. Like oh life, you are so tough on me, how could you possibly throw a girl who wants to be with me and support me into the mix?! It’s just too much!! You’re all COWARDS. Thanks for lighting up my life.

Ass men. Haha duh. I just felt like I had to throw this in to soften the mood.

So what’s the solution? Hole up in my room, drink white wine and complain? Way ahead of you.

Vintage, So Adorable

After my DILF post you are probably all thinking that I am basically a pervert. You are correct. To keep the weirdness going, I’ve compiled a list of totally age-inappropriate men that I’m into. Prepare to be uncomfortable (or educated!!!).

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Harrison Ford: It is a straight up fact that Indiana Jones is the sexiest sex symbol ever. He’s smart, he’s brave, he’s edgy, and he knows how to use a whip. Though he may not be aging as gracefully as some, he still gives off the Indiana Jones “I don’t give any fucks” vibe. Harrison Ford is a total bad ass and always stars in the coolest movies (hello, Cowboys Versus Aliens). He is RUGGED, people.

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Mark Cuban: Mark Cuban is the shit. Not only is he a total dick, but his “started from the bottom” humble beginnings story is pretty awesome. Mark is on one of the best shows ever, Shark Tank, and never fails to entertain me with his resting bitch face and blunt honesty. He is the type of guy who has no problem telling you how dumb you are, to your face. One of my best friends described him best: “Mark Cuban is the total package”.

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John Stewart: One of my all-time favorites, John looks better now than he did when he was a young comedian that no one knew about. The Daily Show host is not only well dressed and dapper as fuck but he is SMART. Do not get into an argument with John Stewart because he will school your ass. I almost had to change my underwear after watching him battle Bill O’Reilly. DAMN.

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Johnny Depp: This one isn’t even gross, everyone loves Johnny Depp. He has managed to remain sexy for so many years despite looking like a hobo, weird scarves, and wearing eyeliner. Johnny Depp just looks like a good lover. He also likes chicks my age, apparently, which makes him seem even older, right?

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Christopher Walken: No one ever seems to understand my love for Mr. Walken and personally, I don’t care. I don’t understand how you could not be attracted to him! He has great hair, he’s in so many good movies, and he is funny. Ladies, there is nothing better on God’s green earth than a guy who can make you laugh, and laugh at himself too. Plus he has the coolest voice EVER.

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Jimmy Stewart: I first fell in love with Jimmy Stewart when I saw him as the classic George Bailey in “It’s A Wonderful Life”. He has a voice almost as cool as Christopher Walken’s and is quite the snazzy dresser. His speech about the moon is WAY better than the Jerry Maguire “you complete me specch”. I took an Alfred Hitchcock course in college just so I could watch more Jimmy Stewart flicks!

 

I’ll always have a special place in my heart for cuties like Justin Timberlake and Zac Efron, but let’s be real, there are just some fantasies that only a real man can handle. Are you barfing yet?

Balls, Balls, Balls

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So I guess there’s this big soccer thing going on in Brazil right now and we’re all supposed to give a shit. I literally cannot find one ounce of space in my body that genuinely cares about who wins this thing, but I will be watching. Do you want to know why? Because soccer players are hot.

Soccer players are, without question, the best looking professional athletes around. They are shining examples of the human body in all its perfection; no other athletic activity today presents you with the glorious rugged, sexual energy emanating from the field of sports.

Basketball players are obviously too tall (and yes that is a thing), golfers are old, baseball players look like your dad’s friends, half of all football players are totally obese or will get fat after they retire, and hockey players have jacked up teeth. Rugby players ARE hot, but a little too bulky and most likely gay.

There are exceptions to all of these, of course, but there are no exceptions in the soccer world! Yeah there may be a butter face or two, but come on ladies- soccer players LOOK like athletes! They keep up with the latest hair trends! They have stamina! Their asses are rock solid!!!

The soccer player only has one downside: the drama. Anyone who has perfected the art of rolling around on the ground in fake pain and literally sobbing over a ball getting kicked into a net is going to pull some shit. Being the most dramatic creatures around, I feel like women can handle it, but it is an issue.

I actually had the privilege of dating a semi professional soccer player and let me tell you…it’s great.

In general, something about a naked man just makes me laugh and don’t even try to fight me on that because I know I’m not the only one. Once you date a soccer player though, (which you probably never will) you will find yourself requesting- nay, begging- that he walks around in the buff. Especially if he is from Europe where people actually give a shit about soccer because he’ll wear those tight little underwear…do you know what I’m talking about? Ah, memories.

Anyhoo, I highly recommend watching the World Cup this year, but definitely watch it from the comfort of your home so you can flip to something else during commercials and not be surrounded by soccer fans who, honest to God, are some of the most horrible people ever.

Since I am a Portuguese girl I’d like to give a shout out to the best looking (and most dramatic) team- go Portugal! Cristiano Ronaldo, please start scoring some goals so we can all enjoy you ripping your shirt off and sharing your perfect areolas with the world. Yay sports!

DILF, Please!

beckham

I first realized the power of DILFs when I was about 19. I was working at the world’s worst tourist trap of a restaurant that was way too kid-friendly. There I was, standing at the host stand, pretending to work, when the most gorgeous piece of man meat walks in: perfectly dressed, dazzling smile, and big, sculpted arms holding a little curly haired blonde. He was so handsome, happy, and put together I almost didn’t realize the two additional whining children and the miserable looking woman behind him.

It’s not that my dad is a bad looking guy, I just always thought your sex appeal basically vanished when you became a father.  You know, like when khaki shorts and those hideous Adidas sandals (socks optional) are considered appropriate attire. Attractive older men are so much more enticing than women because when they look good they REALLY look good. They don’t have weaves and make up and botox keeping everything in place.

This guy would have been smoking hot in any situation, but the kids really took the temperature to a new level. The children were like a bio: ‘hey ladies- not only am I patient, gentle and kind, but my hardware is doing its job too.’ I spend the entirety of this man’s dinner watching him calmly order entrees for his family, clean up messes, and somehow not take his own life while his wife nagged him all the way through dessert.

Whether we realize it or not, men and women will make choices based off of our primitive needs. You make think you like a girl’s big ass because it looks good in well, everything, but in fact you are attracted to her child bearing hips. It doesn’t matter what your true intentions are- human beings procreate. It’s literally the only thing we’re good at. If natural selection would actually work with humans, this man would be a prime candidate for survival. So even though I have no desire whatsoever to have a baby, all my inner lady juices could focus on was that this foxy dad knows how to plant a seed. AND I LIKED IT.

For whatever reason (Dad issues?), I really like guys with emotional problems- family trouble, a dark past of some sort, crazy exes, whatever- bring it on. I don’t want to engage in the drama, I just really want to hear about it and see its effects. I will sit wide-eyed in bed for hours listening to some gorgeous man tell me about how he wishes his drunk dad would just say that he’s proud of him or that he gets serious social anxiety at parties.

As soon as his eyes gaze off into that black lagoon of internal struggle I turn into a cat in heat. That’s why the ex-wife factor doesn’t really bother me. And let’s be real, if you like DILFs, exes are the fun little cherry on top of your sexy dad sundae. You want an ex-wife if you want a DILF. Ex-wives give you a chance to shine. Plus they make it possible for you to enjoy your DILF without his minions. You want the ex-wife to be a good enough mom that she spends way more time with the kids, but not so good that your DILF praises her frequently.

I can’t speak for my fellow DILF lovers, but my adoration is strictly superficial. Your children are basically a prop to enhance your character. Obviously I want you to care about your kids, but I don’t want to like, get to know them. The real, literal baggage is where I struggle. I don’t talk in a baby voice, I don’t give motherly advice, I don’t know how to cook, and I don’t even know how to hold a child. And what if they’re teenage kids? They’re just going to be like hey, dad, nice whore. But the baggage is necessary! After all, how do you experience the hot dad without all the luggage that made him the DILF he is today??

DILFs are just plain great. They’ve seen it all and done it all; they’ve somehow managed to keep their good looks and vitality despite the exhaustive nature of children. They are providers, and they are care givers. They actually listen to you when you speak. Sure, from time to time a DILF may kiss you gently on your forehead and you’ll wonder if he was being affectionate or just mistook you for his kid for a second, but that’s alright.

So, are DILFs a tangible goal? For me, no. Realistically, I will probably never make major moves with a DILF. I am too young, too naïve, and no matter how much I bring to the table, (which really isn’t much) I will never understand the DILF. I don’t know what it feels like to raise a human, to be responsible for someone’s well-being, and I can’t even pretend like I do. The DILF and I will always be separated by an ocean of experience, which of course makes him that much sexier.

Some of my routine readers are probably thinking “Kaley, you wrote a post about how gross old guys are like a few months ago. And now you’re all into DILFs?”

Yeah, I know that, and my answer is that I don’t care. DILFs are a very special category of men, one that for many years, I’ve only admired from afar. And if I didn’t sample all the flavors, what the fuck do you think I’d write about each week? So just get off my back!!!

I realize that at my age, I should be concerned with really important things like vitamins or opening up a savings account, not enjoying DILFs. But hey, someone’s gotta do it. Truth be told, this past year has been a rough one for me. I’ve learned a lot, and mostly I’ve found that I’m just not girlfriend material- DILF or no DILF. I want to have the grown up fun without the grown-up priorities. I want sex to be the determining factor in my “relationship” but still have a fully clothed conversation over sushi from time to time.  Guys my age always think you’re trying to lock them down and “change them”, no matter what you say or do.

I realize and appreciate that my blogs will get supremely less entertaining if I turn into someone’s significant other, and I’m not ready to be just yet. So for now, I will continue to gather material the best way I know how and practice that F in DILF. (: Happy Father’s Day!