Not Cute

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Ok sooooo. If you know me AT ALL you know that I am pretty lazy about my appearance. I’m not like sweats and Uggs lazy but about 90% of the time I am wearing a top bun, yoga pants, and giant sunglasses. This doesn’t mean that I don’t give a shit, I just don’t have the time or energy to wear makeup. I’ve never really been a girly girl to begin with, but I’m also not athletic enough to be a tomboy, so I kind of float somewhere in the middle.

ON OCCASION I have to venture into some of the world’s scariest places: makeup stores. Seriously, I fucking hate them. First of all- germs. I don’t want to touch anything. Second, I don’t know how to put on any of this shit. My mom didn’t teach me ANYTHING about makeup and I couldn’t last long enough in musical theater to pick up any tips from the gays.

That being said, I still wear makeup sometimes. Hello, I am not a total troll. I figure since it’s kind of a rare thing I should at least wear the nice stuff. I will splurge on MAC blush and lipstick because they last for a long time. Everything else (tinted moisturizer, eyebrow kit and mascara) comes from Target because I’m not made of money okay?!?!

The thing that sucks the most about purchasing makeup is the employees. MAC employees fucking suck. YEAH I SAID IT. Why are these girls so mean? Look, I understand that when I walk in the door with un-brushed hair, a dude’s flannel shirt, and not one speck of makeup on my face you THINK I’m not going to buy anything- but you’re wrong! I’m just the type of girl that takes 4 minutes to get ready for my day…not 4 hours.

Hey I get it, your face is your canvas, you’re artistic, sure. But you don’t have to be the world’s biggest a-hole to me because I can’t remember if the lipstick I bought last time was a matte or a sheen. Or whatever.

These girls come up to me literally looking like the world’s scariest clown and get sass? Listen bitch, I’m just trying to buy a simple lipstick so I feel like I put a few extra minutes worth of effort in for date night. Relax, Chuckie.

I’m starting to think these girls might be insecure. HAHA what a laugh! People that wear too much makeup have insecurities? Scratch that.

I’m not trying to sit here and claim that I’m flawless or anything like that, I’m just inept with makeup products and I think it’s kind of like being a liar. I’m all about enhancing a feature here and there but I’m not trying to look like a completely different human being. I actually DON’T horrify my boyfriend when he wakes up next to me in the morning so let’s just DROP THE ATTITUDE OK?!

I feel like they have a problem with me from the second I walk in because I don’t look the way they do. I have NEVER been treated nicely by a MAC girl. I am well aware that I look like a scruffy peasant, but I also don’t need 50 lbs of concealer to feel human- so maybe we should just call it even. Your face looks heavy. Sorry I’ll stop.

One of my best friends is actually a make up artist, like a professional one, and she has confirmed my theory multiple times. Basically, if you are a naturally decent looking person who doesn’t depend on hundreds of dollars worth of contouring to feel normal, MAC girls will be mean to you. So either stick to the Target section or shop online. I learned my lesson.

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An Open Letter to Douchebags Who Tell Me to Smile More

NEW YORK, NY - APRIL 09:  Kanye West at 106 & Park Studio on April 9, 2012 in New York City.  (Photo by Craig Barritt/Getty Images)

Hi there,

I’m going to start off this letter by simply saying: FUCK OFF. I say this because, chances are, if I’m walking down literally ANY street on planet earth, some idiot such as yourself if going to find something to say that will elicit that exact response.

I could make this letter the world’s longest rant about all the horrible things men say and do to me when I’m just taking a leisurely stroll to get some fro-yo, but I think everyone gets the picture. I personally made it through 5 years of  braving the San Francisco streets by verbally retaliating at my harassers without getting mugged or raped, but I’m not saying that’s a guarantee.

Look, if you are a creepy constructor worker, hobo, bored dude on his lunch break, or you know, someone with a penis, I guess this is just your way of dealing with your insane levels of testosterone and I feel bad for you. Enjoy your life as a sad perv.

HOWEVER.

This goes out to non-pervy men, elderly guys, police offers, bus drivers, and anyone who thinks TELLING ME WHAT TO DO WITH MY FACE is alright, I’ll say it again: fuck off.

I discussed this in my RBF blog, but seriously, who the hell walks around town smiling all the time? I could literally be in the happiest mood of my life and I’m still going to be like “Hi mister bus driver! Check out how straight my smile is! I had braces!” YOU DON’T GET TO SEE MY TEETH, I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

Telling someone to smile is actually super rude. It’s none of your business. I don’t give a shit if you think I “look prettier when I smile”, you are a complete fucking stranger at Souplantation and your opinion holds no value.

I don’t even care if you give me the double Sarah Palin guns and yell: “Give me a smile!” the only thing you’ll get from me is a middle finger, potentially two. Not only will I not smile, I will silently plot all the ways I can kill you and your extended family with a look of pure hatred.

You know, it’s one thing to walk the streets and hearing “Nice ass!” “How much?” “DAMN BEEZY!” But telling me to smile is the worst of the worst.

I hope you choke on  a corn dog later.

Sincerely,

Kalee

Thanks for Flying

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When I was in college I did a decent amount of traveling. Not like cool traveling to Europe and shit, just flying back and forth from San Francisco and San Diego to see family. But whatever, I was at the airport a lot. I actually really enjoy flying, and something about power walking through the airport solo with cute boots on just makes me feel like a bad ass woman.

The airport is a fantastic place for writing material; it’s literally the best place to people watch, eve’s drop, and get drunk AF before a flight. Despite all of its wonderful qualities, the airport is a breeding ground for psychosis and stress. Flying into and out of SFO is literally the worst because the place is surrounded by fog and flights get cancelled and delayed all the fucking time. I usually don’t mind too much because I never check bags and hello I can get drunker while I wait. I’ve made the mistake of flying the day before Thanksgiving twice which is the busiest day of the year. The last time I decided to make that move there was a huge storm and my flight was delayed for 8 hours. Like I said, I was okay, Thanksgiving is one of my least favorite holidays, my phone was completely charged, I was only on chapter two of 50 Shades, and I had a solid spot at the bar. I was in the minority.

I think I heard at least 12 different people scream I NEED TO GET HOME TO SEE MY FAMILY? Oh really? Is that why you’re flying today? Family reasons? No one else here even celebrates Thanksgiving. You’re special. As hours passed, the airport started to turn into a weird homeless shelter. People were sleeping all over the floor, everyone looked like shit, and there was a lot of crying. I couldn’t decide what was more entertaining, the amount of women who found it appropriate to blame their husbands for our current predicament, or the amount of people who went up to the airline kiosks to ask about the flight delays. IT’S 2015. THERE ARE SCREENS FUCKING EVERYWHERE UPDATING YOU ON THE STATUS OF YOUR FLIGHT. ONE OF THEM IS LOCATED DIRECTLY BEHIND THE PEOPLE YOU’RE HARASSING. The holidays really do bring out the worst in people.

Even though they have super cheap flights, I personally hate Southwest airlines. The flight attendants are always run down looking and grouchy, and for some reason they always get pissed off when I ask for two bags of pretzels instead of peanuts. What is the big fucking deal you literally have both of them right there!!! Are we experiencing a pretzel famine?!!

The thing I really hate about Southwest is the fact that they don’t have assigned seating. This horrible equality operation really gives people a weird sense of entitlement. I think hierarchy is good for humans. You need to know where you stand in the world. Southwest uses this shitty A,B,C boarding system where you have a letter and a number so you know what order you can enter the plane. It’s fucking anarchy. I’ve literally never been in group A, and I’m small as shit so people get so pissed that I didn’t use my “open seating” opportunity to take a middle seat. Do you have any idea how angry fat or tall people get when they see someone who barely weighs 100 lbs take an aisle seat? Thank god airport security is so tight because I’d probably get shanked for this choice.

Anyway, I never really pay too much attention to my specific number, I kind just hover around the line area when they call my letter. People don’t like that. I’ve had my ticket grabbed from my hand by so many mid-westerners being like: “YOU’RE B 23, YOU’RE BEHIND ME! I’M B 8!! YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE RIGHT HERE”. Good god in heaven. Last time I checked we were all going on the same aircraft. I’m sure you and your beached whale of a wife are going to block the aisle for 45 minutes trying to shove a bunch of shit in the over head bin that should have been checked in the first place, why don’t you just let me and my normal sized carry-on sneak on by?

I try to keep to myself at the airport. I’ve never been one of those girls who over does it on luggage, I always wear sandals so I can fly through security, and I keep my headphones in almost constantly. For whatever reason, I can never just get through this place without being bothered by some idiot. I have a larger than normal area reserved for personal space, I admit, but people are WAY too close to me in airport lines. I’m gonna say this once and I won’t say it again. HOVERING RIDICULOUSLY CLOSE TO MY PERSON DOES NOT MAKE THE LINE GO FASTER. BACK THE FUCK UP.

Never have I ever dressed like a flight attendant, pilot, or TSA worker, but every time, without fail, someone asks me about a flight status. SIR, I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHY OUR FLIGHT WAS DELAYED 20 MINUTES. I HAD MY HEADPHONES IN TO DELIVER THE MESSAGE THAT I AM NOT INTERESTED IN SPEAKING TO YOU.

If it’s not some overly chatty person who doesn’t understand non-verbal cues, it’s security. I’m all about this random selection shit but WHY do I have to get the frisk every time??? Last time I went to the airport they fondled my top bun and then asked me to take it down in case I was “hiding something in it”. Yep, that’s it, I have a fucking grenade in my TOP BUN.

I went to the airport once stoned out of my mind and they pulled me aside to pat me down privately (I was wearing a tiny romper with no bra or underwear so that was fun) and then they wiped down my palms with this weird paper. I spent the whole time internally screaming and wondering if they found marijuana residue on my hands.

I think I’m going to start taking more road trips.

An Open Letter to People Who Plague My Feed With Fitness

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Hi idiots,

I just wanted to write a quick letter to sincerely thank you for inspiring me! I mean, how else would I get motivated to stop watching Real Housewives in bed for nine consecutive hours unless you posted HUNDREDS of pictures of you in your Nikes? If you didn’t flex your biceps and tag yourself at 24, what would I do? Who would I be? HOW WOULD I KNOW HOW MANY REPS TO DO?!?!?!

Without your inspirational quotes and pictures of you calves, abs, and printed pants I honestly probably wouldn’t even know the gym existed. Or fitness for that matter. Without daily before and after pictures, how would I know what progress looks like? What would I do without funny memes about pre-workouts?

Please post more videos of Crossfit workouts. They’re so intriguing. Please talk more about Crossfit. Invite me out to dinner sometime so you can describe your routine.

We can’t forget about your meals. There is NOTHING I love more than looking at pictures of quinoa. Seriously! When you describe, in detail, how you concocted a salad dressing that you ate BEFORE you went to the gym, I can almost feel my delts growing. The best part is when you teach us something. Tell us how easy meal replacement is. Discuss the importance of egg whites, and for Christ’s sake PLEASE take more photos of your protein powder! I GOTTA SEE IT!!!

If we can find a way to turn Facebook and Instagram into a place for self absorbed, excessive fitness only, I think the world would be a better place. GIMME MORE GYM SELFIES!!!!!

Sincerely,

Kalee

A Brief Speech in Favor of All the Stupid Shows I Watch

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 First off I just want to say sorry that all of my blog posts keep starting with “I had an interview” but literally, that’s all that’s been going on. So, I had an interview last week and the Editor-In-Chief asked me to list three things that bug me. Since I was on the spot, I quickly blurted out Taylor Swift, the sound of the vacuum, and when people open my bedroom door without knocking. While these are all true, nothing truly bugs me more than when I get lectured about my television preferences. TV watching is the great American past time, it is our one sacred, glorious freedom, and I will not have anyone squander that for me.

A few of my favorite television programs include: Real Housewives (Orange County, Beverly Hills, and New York- I don’t watch Atlanta or Jersey Shore), Keeping Up With The Kardashians (and all spin offs), Vanderpump Rules, Millionaire Matchmaker, Sex and the City, Fashion Police, E! News, and Ru Paul’s Drag Race.

I’d like to argue that I’m a pretty intelligent person. I have a University education and I’m a fairly good writer. I’ve gotten quite good at artfully articulating my thoughts without insulting people. Do I think that the shows I’m watching qualify as intelligent programming? Jesus no! But when did that become the rule? Smart people are only allowed to watch smart things? Give me a break.

Just so you know, The Real Housewives are hilarious. Do you know how many dinner parties turn into all out wars on this show? It’s hysterical. In one episode a grown ass woman throws her fake leg across a room. If you think competition shows are fun, try wacthing a bunch of catty drag queens lip sync for their lives. THAT’S FUN. Vanderpump Rules follows a bunch of marginally attractive 20-somethings who work in a restaurant and all bang each other.

Talk about an escape! THIS IS WHAT TV IS ALL ABOUT! Besides just pure comedic value, these shows literally make me feel so much better about my life.

I am so over getting reprimanded about how horrible the people are on the shows that I watch. Uh, who called them role models? It’s just a show. Do you really think I’m sitting in my bed thinking “Oh my God, I wish I was a Housewife, it looks so fucking fun” or “Man when is a black rapper gonna turn up on my door so I can become a Kardashian!”?  Just because you stare at something for multiple hours doesn’t mean it is all of a sudden your life goal. Middle aged over-Botoxed women with teenage problems are fun to watch, not to be. And while I do love the Kardashian’s Calabasas home, Kris Jenner as a mother is just not something I’m emotionally prepared to handle. Not now, not ever.

Much like playing Guitar Hero every day for a year did not turn me into a rock star, watching trashy television will not turn me into trash. I like what I like, and I will never apologize for it. So get off my case everyone, and worry about your own goddamn guilty pleasures!!

Ice Queen

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In my first semester of college I took a psychology lecture. One day we were given a large list of words and told to pick three that described us best. I don’t remember all three, but I definitely remember picking the world ‘cold’. Our professor showed us two columns of the available words, one was a list of “positive” words and the other “negative”. Obviously ‘cold’ fell under the negative description.

I have resting bitch face. I don’t like hugging; I don’t like “bonding”. I prefer to be by myself. It takes a long journey of struggle to get me to feel safe and comfortable with others. I didn’t pick ‘cold’ to be interesting, I picked it because I feel that it does describe me, and to be honest, I’m fine with it. I have created a relatively safe world behind a screen where I can share relatable stories, funny rants, and life experiences for others to enjoy. That makes me feel good. Going out into the “real world” and sharing myself, opening up to strangers face-to-face sounds like hell on earth.

I have a solid group of friends that I love and appreciate. I have a small, generally close family. I don’t have a significant other. These aspects of my life do not bother me and I am not actively seeking out ways to change them.

A recent string of events have left me feeling really frustrated and more withdrawn than normal. A few posts back I spoke of the CEO who told me I needed to “humble myself” and that my enthusiasm and personality were not right for my age at an interview. I recently had another interview (for a writing position) with an extremely successful company, who’s creative manager sought out time to meet with me following said interview to inform me that I am talented, however lacking “emotional intelligence and sensitivity”.  My yoga teacher training ended with a kind, genuine speech from my instructor about how much “stronger” I am than I know, and a wistful hope that I would someday want to share myself positively with others.

I have a University education. I have a pretty plump writing resume, complete with references. I completed my yoga teaching certification on time. I followed all the rules. When did this become somehow sub-par to being an “emotionally available” person?

I am approaching 25 and I have zero desire to be emotionally vulnerable with anyone, let alone someone who is signing my checks. I don’t understand why the desire to poke, and prod, and label, and fix has become commonplace. If my style of writing doesn’t work for your company, that’s fine. If you don’t respond to the way I deliver physical cues, it’s not a big deal. But I am not prepared to defend my heart, my soul, my insides for a job.

Maybe when I turn the big 3-0 I will seek out “help” for this detrimental “issue” I am facing today. But I prefer to move forward in my career by being impressive on paper, and none of your business in person. Whatever.

Bitch Tactics Volume V

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“Brief But Effective Responses”

One part of being an outspoken, articulate bitch is that people expect you always have something to say. While 99.9% of the time I do, there are those times when I literally have zero desire to get involved in anything. This can happen for a multitude of reasons, but the main one I can come up with is just that I’m over it. The best way to conquer being totally over people (besides cutting them out of your life, which we can explore in another blog) is to give them BBERs- Brief But Effective Responses. This can range from one word to one sentence that accurately displays your disinterest and lack of investment.

We’ve already discussed the power of “No.” perhaps the most brief but also the most effective, “no” will take care of basically any problem you encounter.

That’s really interesting. Keep your voice as monotone as possible when you use this one, or depending how stupid the topic is, use too much emphasis on really. Example: “You’re going on an all-Gatorade cleanse? That’s really interesting.”  [insert eye roll here]. This one works great on boyfriends as well. “You went out with the guys and you didn’t have anything to drink, huh? That’s really interesting.” Obviously whatever this person is saying is not even remotely in the realm of being interesting, so make sure you look as bored as possible.

I don’t care. I say this one a lot, and I often sub it with “I couldn’t care less” or “Nobody cares”. Functioning as the exact opposite of “that’s really interesting”, it is a hard, cold truth that cuts to the bone. If no one cares about what you’re saying, hopefully you’ll stop saying it. Example: “Kaley, you really hurt that girl’s feelings when you made fun of Mormons wearing one-piece bathing suits.” “I don’t care.”[insert casual drink sip here] Viola.

You’re embarrassing. Some behaviors are just best kept in-doors. I have a few friends that just don’t know how to act in public. If someone is over-doing inside jokes that no one else understands, going through impersonations that aren’t hitting, or quoting movies that no one else in the group has seen, a simple: “You’re embarrassing” usually shuts it down.

Ugh. Another one I use pretty frequently, this is best presented when you are disgusted by a topic to the point where it literally needs to be dropped forever. Hold your hand up like “stop in the name of love” status and people should get it. Also to be used when perusing through an ex-girlfriend’s pictures on social media.

Can you stop? The last guy I dated was one of those people that just could not grasp that nothing good happens after midnight. I don’t know how you don’t get the picture when all of the fucking lights go on in a bar, but whatever. Glance around, take in the atmosphere, give this young go-hard the once over and say, “um, can you stop?” This one is not fool-proof, yet, but it has a decent success rate. “Can you not?” is the basic version of this BBER.

I’m busy. Because no one is every really busy. Seriously it works for everything.

Best of luck, bitches.

Ugh

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I’ve played around with the idea of this blog topic a few times, but until half-heartedly watching the Oscars last night, I couldn’t fully commit. I love pop culture, movies, TV, and basically just being in famous people’s business. However, there are just a few celebs that I literally can’t stand and I’ve decided to share them with you.

Jennifer Aniston: Ok, hate me for this one if you want, I don’t care. Jenn is literally the equivalent of khaki pants to me. You don’t understand why, but they keep showing up so you just accept it. Granted, I have brought in pictures of Jennifer to my hair lady at least 5 times but that doesn’t make her an interesting person. I just feel a very pathetic-holding-on-for-dear-life-please-pay-attention-to-me vibe from her. And I mean change up your style once in a while Anniston, God damn. Really, another tan dress with your fucking boring straight hair? AGAIN? Plus I don’t really like Friends.

Mark Whalberg: HATE. Like seriously, nothing is appealing about this guy. He has such a gross little ferret face and he is EXACTLY THE SAME in every single movie. No way, a Boston accent? Mark, you’re such a talent. Maybe you should play a down-on-his-luck-shy-guy who comes from a poor family but is just too talented to hide in the shadows. OH WAIT, you’ve played that guy in every fucking movie. GO AWAY.

Bono: I know, I KNOW. He’s like, the speaker for Africa or what the fuck ever but he wears sunglasses indoors, and I just can’t get behind that. Not only is his music pretty bland, anyone who decides to drop the faith from their band name to get more cash money is just kind of a douche. I won’t even bring up how he just assumed everyone in the world was dying for a free copy of his newest album. Go back to bike riding Bono, you won’t be missed.

Jessica Biel: She’s married to the man of my dreams. She must be taken down. Plus she’s like, muscular.

Ryan Reynolds: Are you supposed to be funny? Are you supposed to be hot? Why do I care? Waiting is a hilarious movie but everything about you besides your abs is bothersome.

Taylor Swift: White girls unite and send me hate mail, Taylor Swift SUCKS. I have never been a fan of her for so many reasons: 1. I hate country music, 2. I hate whining, 3. I hate her weird curly springy hair, 4. No one cares about growing up on a Christmas tree farm, 5. Keds are ugly, 6. Stop with the cats, 7. She’s one of those people who calls EVERYONE her best friend, 8. Red lipstick- REAL ORIGINAL, 9. Cry baby, 10. Can’t dance. I get that she totally speaks to young awkward girls but this whole good girl act is really obnoxious. Banging every guy in arms distance and then publically bashing them for getting sick of the missionary position does not make you a good role model. Also her music is terrible, just straight up terrible.

The Cast of Glee: You remind me of everyone I went to theater camp with: horrible.

Sexy Time

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I know I need to chill with all of the gender shit, but since the classic “Sexiest Man Alive Issue” reared its sexy head this week, I felt like a large anger balloon stuffed with issues that someone finally stuck a needle in. This “sexiest man alive”/”hottest woman in the world” nonsense has actually bothered me for years. I’m sure it’s not what you think though. Or maybe it is. I don’t know.

Once Matt Damon, I repeat Matt fucking Damon made the cover one year, (I wanna say 2007?) I realized this shit had to be a joke. Not only because Matt Damon is not even remotely attractive, but like what the hell, Maxim gets barely legal Victoria’s Secret models and we get dads?! I swear to god if you can get your hands on this issue there is a whole section about him being a “Family Man”. Ooo, how sexual!

And who do we get this year? Chris “Thor” Helmsworth. This guy is hot, I’m not denying that, but you know what else he is? Married with kids. I’m asleep. Oh Matthew McConaughey’s on the cover?! (Also, not hot) How long has he been married? To the same person, no less!

I did a little bit of research and nearly every cover is graced by a long-time married guy with kids!!! This is bogus! Sure George Clooney was on there a few times but we all know how that shit turned out. Whatever semi-hot guy that knocked up a much hotter girl and puts a ring on it is going to be on their next cover MARK MY WORDS (Ashton Kutcher? Ryan Gosling?).

That past 4 issues (at least) of Maxim’s Hot 100 had a #1 lady that was single single single young young YOUNG. Miley Cyrus got it last year…I’m not really sure how that happened but like, is she even older than me?

Does this bother anyone else? Look, I don’t know who People magazine’s prime demographic is, but is this really fair? All of us horny ladies have to sit around and look through pictures of a guy prancing around with his kids and read articles about how much he loves his wife. The caption should just say “you will never get this you will never get this”. Obviously all of the dudes that are looking through Maxim don’t really think they can get with Bar Rafaeli (God, I hope not anyway) but these women are much more clearly advertised as being available. They always blow up the quotes that are like “I’m single right now, just haven’t met the right guy!” translation: Fellas! You have a chance!!

What kind of precedence does this set for both of our genders? It’s ok for men to pine after young, single, barely clothed women AND that these are the hottest kinds of women? And on the opposite side of the spectrum: it’s only ok for women to gawk at middle aged dudes with less attractive wives and a pack of kids?

Look at how these magazines are presented, too. I mean Maxim kind of looks like it could potentially have porn in it. The women have heavilyy made-up sexy eyes, barely any clothes on, and they’re usually bending over or pushing something out. Our lame ass People covers have the dude in a grey Gap tee smiling some goober smile. AND IT’S JUST A PICTURE OF HIS FACE. Ryan Reynolds probably showed off his abs his year but um, hi, butter face we don’t even care. The Sexiest Man Alive is right up next to the Target cash register like a pack of gum. The Maxim hot chick issues are hidden away in the darkness, silently whispering read me, pervert!

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. Maybe, just maybe, guys can browse through a magazine of women their own god damn age with a nice sweater on while they push a stupid stroller around. Maybe myself and the rest of the single lady community would actually like some shirt-less pant-less action from a real, single actor!!!!

So thanks a lot, printed media, for reminding us, again, of how much it sucks to be a female, and that all we really want from life is to reproduce and look at men from the neck up.

I Can’t Even

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I am well aware that I haven’t been posting a) as many blogs as I used to and b) blogs that are as bitchy and cut-throat as when I began. There are a couple reasons for this but as much as I like to put my rants out into the world there are also some things that I’ve learned (the hard way) to keep to myself.

I was waiting at line in Jamba Juice today thinking what the fuck could I possibly write about today and was basically coming up short until the cashier called me hon. I have very few female friends in my life and I kind of don’t like women in general, especially when they say things like “hon, babe, sweetie” and we don’t even know each other. Below you will find a list of things that girls do that I think are annoying. Enjoy.

Make-out pics with the BF. I just don’t even understand how you prep for these. “Ok let’s kiss and take a picture!” “Let’s ask that Asian family to take a picture of us embracing!” I don’t understand. I think they’re awkward to look at and there’s really nothing wrong with just, you know, smiling. Most of us get really bored scrolling through 80 profile pictures of you and your 6.5/10 dude so please don’t be foolish enough to think that putting your lips together will somehow entertain us.

Matching outfits. Twin day was fun in like, 4th grade, but stop. I know every girl that’s ever gone to Stagecoach is like what the fuck our matching tanks that say “whiskey makes me frisky” are so cute! But you know what, no, they’re not.

Trying to look messy. Take it from a girl who is straight up slob and wrote a 700 word blog on how to wear yoga pants, I CAN TELL that your “messy bun” took 80 tries. And hello if you have winged eyeliner on under your glasses you were really working hard at that “effortlessly chic” look. Stop confusing men into thinking we look good without trying, you’re really making everyone look bad.

Lecturing me about fake tanning. Last time I checked I don’t look like Snooki and showing my vag to every 16 year old at Hollywood Tans for a spray tan isn’t my favorite past time. It is a FACT that everyone looks better tan, and I have absolutely no qualms with keeping my summer glow year round. You sound like a complete dipshit when you tell me how “unhealthy” my tanning bed habits are while you deep throat Del Taco and spend the entire night binge drinking Jamo. Thanks for the tip, as always though.

Saying you don’t diet. This is way more of a celebrity issue than a basic girl issue but STOP. I am 5 feet even and barely weight a buck-ten and even I have to diet and exercise. I have skinny genetics sure but get real, people. Bitches who say that are literally just trying to hurt your feelings. “I never work out, I just love to eat giant chocolate chip cookies and you know, stay active!” Oh my godddddd.

Alright, I’m drained. See you in a few weeks maybe.