My Biggest Fear

Want to know a secret? I loved being married. I loved everything about it. The words “my husband” rolled so easily off my tongue it’s like they were the only two words I’d ever known. Setting into our little apartment every night, getting comfy, lounging around drinking Moscow mules and watching our favorite shows…waking up every morning and having someone to talk to, some who (I thought) loved me. The idea that I could text someone whenever I wanted, about anything at all, and never have to worry about being annoying. We didn’t have a lot of anything, really, but I felt so loved and safe in my home. I wouldn’t have changed it if you paid me a million dollars.

As a last ditch effort to “make it work”, my ex and I went to couple’s counseling. During one of our sessions, he (my ex) said that all he hoped from whatever outcome would present itself was that I wasn’t damaged beyond repair. He said he was worried that my heart would close off, and that he would hate it if I never opened myself to love again. His words terrified me. Was he right? Would I be like this forever? Would I constantly want to dig through his (or someone else’s) phone logs and feel prickly from the inside out?

During the fallout of our relationship and the months (year) that continued, his words weighed heavy on me. It felt like he was right. I hated pretty much everyone I met, I was angry, cold, and anything- I mean anything- could make me cry at the drop of a dime. I hated the new me, and I began to grow scared that I’d never go back to normal.

About a month ago, I found myself in somewhat of a relationship. I know guys my age don’t like to commit to words like ‘dating’ or ‘relationship’, or, God forbid, ‘boyfriend’, which is strange as it nearly felt like yesterday I was placing the ring on a finger of a man the same age.

But whatever, I was in a “thing” that was challenging me, a lot. There were confusing feelings, conflicting declarations of adoration (and the opposite), and I found myself going from very high highs, to extremely low lows. While this is part of life, and it happens all the time, I was so pleased beyond anything else because I was able to return to joy. I found myself getting nervously excited at the prospect of seeing this person again. I felt warm and comforted in his embrace. I felt inspired to create an environment of safety and communication. I even bought a birthday gift!

I don’t know whether or not this…”thing”…will last, or go anywhere, or how he truly feels about me for that matter. But I do know one thing: I am not damaged beyond repair. I am not broken. The part of me that was open to love, that was brave and trusting and willing to give my heart away has not been taken from me. Sure, this me might not be as bright and shiny as before, but all the fears that my ex and myself instilled in me have been silenced by my very own patience and kindness.

Honestly, if I can do it- so can you. There is always room for more.

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