Purple Rain: A Millennial’s Analysis

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Purple Rain was released in 1984 and became a classic 80’s cult film. But the question remains…do the Purple One’s acting chops realistically translate in 2017? Is this movie cheesy? Would any of us really fuck a 5’2” guy on a purple motorcycle with conservatively heeled boots?!!?!

Enjoy the recap and decide for yourself:

Ok, so Prince, aka  “The Kid” lives in Minnesota and plays at this very typical 80’s club with his band The Revolution. Apollonia is a thirsty wannabe singer that doesn’t pay for cabs and sneaks into hip Minnesota clubs. These are a thing?

Apollonia knocking over a waitress with all of her drinks and asking for a job 10 seconds later is SO relatable.

I think we can all agree that even by 2017 standards, Apollonia is an extremely weird name.

The Revolution has some serious competition from another band, The Time. I can kind of see why because they wear big jackets and have fun dance moves.

The lead singer of The Time, Morris Day, has the hots for Apollonia and he wants to put together a hot girl group for the club. The club owner is down but he’s like, okay but nothing dirty because I have enough problems, whatever that means….he agrees that if Morris can get a semi-talented, non-slutty girl group up in the club, he’ll get rid of Prince’s band.

Back at the clurrrrb, The Kid awkwardly lingers around Apollonia with his Prince glasses on and she’s like, feeling it. He later semi-steals her boot charm (?) and gives her a ride on his purple motorcycle.

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Apollonia is like, can you help me with my music career and Prince is like nah but you can go baptize yourself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka.

Apollonia takes her clothes off and jumps into a body of water that we quickly learn is NOT Lake Minnetonka. Then he drives off. Classic Prince move!

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**Important scarf moment**

He comes back in like five minutes and to further encourage the theory that women love assholes, Apollonia quickly forgives him. I don’t know about you, but if a 5’2” guy in purple pants got me to strip and jump in a cold river and then DROVE OFF, I’d probably be over it. Then again, I’m not trying to make a singing career happen at an 80’s dance club so what the fuck do I know.

Anyhoo, The Kid is having major problems with his band. He never plays any of the songs they write and is just an overall douche in general. We also find out that he is having MAJOR problems at home (i.e. his dad is abusive) and I think his mom is possessed by a demon. This has yet to be confirmed.

Morris wants to bang Apollonia big time and buys her a bottle of champs at the club. Apparently underage drinking is legal in Minnesota?

Since I’ve already seen Apollonia’s boobs 20 minutes into this film, I am a bit worried she is not the best choice for the non-slutty girl group idea. No judgement.

Is Apollonia’s “King Kong” reference about Prince’s chest hair or is she being racially insensitive?

The Kid and Apollonia’s 80’s style foreplay in his groovy basement will not at all make you uncomfortable!

Blah blah blah The Kid is always late to band practice and won’t play they girls’ music. WE GET IT. Are Lisa and Wendy a couple? Or do they just draw on matching face moles for fun?

Apollonia sells her tacky boot bracelet to buy The Kid a guitar he was eyeing earlier. Probably too soon in the “relationship” for large gifts, but maybe the sex was worth it. I’m going to assume it was.

She brings her way-too-soon gift over to Prince’s bang palace and receives a cheap hoop male earring in return. Then she casually goes, “oh I’m going to join Morris’ not at all slutty girl group!”. The Kid does the reasonable thing and SLAPS THE SHIT OUT OF HER. Needless to say, she dips.

The club owner tells The Kid that The Revolution is on the verge of getting cut from the club because allegedly there is a new hot group called APOLLONIA 6!!!!!???? I WONDER WHO COULD BE IN THAT GROUP?!

Cue “When Doves Cry” and experience a Minnesota -themed montage of Prince being the tiny, purple-clad bad-ass that he is. Moments include: throwing rocks into a stream, shed sex, and aggressive motorcycle riding.

Prince comes home and his mom is crying because she probably just got her ass kicked and you know, she’s possessed. He bursts in the house and twirls around screaming ANSWER ME MOTHER FUCKER in a totally not-femme manner. Please observe:

He finds his a-hole dad playing music on the piano. I guess this is done to tell us that The Kid and his father have a lot in common, such as: hitting women and playing music. Groundbreaking.

The Kid playing guitar shirtless with a lace blindfold and matching glove is probably the most important part of this film. God I love the 80’s.

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Making Lisa simulate a BJ on stage isn’t even the most degrading thing The Kid has done to her so far. The club scene is displeased.

While no one can deny The Kid’s talent, his over-the-top erotic performances make the club owner uncomfortable and he’s over it. Probably would do well for the VMAs though.

Number of times Apollonia has cried at Prince’s performances so far: 2. Strange considering his music is literally about fucking.

Club owner: “Nobody digs your music but you!”

Prince: “Fuck off!”

Club owner: “Like father, like son.”

If the club owner was a woman, he would have been slapped at this point.

Cut to Minnesota’s second hottest club: “The Taste” and experience Apollonia and two other girls performing in straight-up lingerie and singing “I’m a sex-shooter”. Not trying to slut-shame, but what happened to the tasteful girl group idea?

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Apollonia kind of resembles Tim Curry’s character in Rocky Horror Picture Show.

I like how Prince doesn’t even try to be low-key while he stalks her new girl group.

Do I really have to explain that Apollonia gets drunk and Prince hits her again? It happens.

Number of times Prince has come home to drama: too many to count

Slaps across Apollonia’s face: 2

Apologies for said slaps: 0

Shirtless performances: 2

The movie takes a dark turn when The Kid’s dad shoots himself. He doesn’t die though.

Are things ever going to look up for Prince? Only a rocking night at the club will tell.

Pretty sure singing an emotionally-driven ballad dedicated to your suicidal father is the definition of bringing your personal shit on stage. Hypocrisy, thy name is…club owner guy.

The big finale: The Kid manages to win literally everyone over by singing “Purple Rain”. There are no wounds so deep that an 80’s ballad can’t cure them. Plus The Kid has finally changed his douchey ways by playing Lisa and Wendy’s music!

10/10 would bang Prince and watch again.

Drunk Kalee: This movie great, Prince is great, you couldn’t ask for a better soundtrack.

College Kalee: While The Kid makes questionable and sometimes alarming choices within his relationships, one can see the detrimental toll his father’s abusive nature has taken on the young performer. Once The Kid truly begins to accept their similarities, he grows both emotionally as well as creatively, forgoing his aggressive nature towards Apollonia, and finally opening up to the other bandmates’ creative insights.

Think about it.

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