The 5 Stages Of Grief When Trying To Go Sober For 30 Days


I don’t like to throw around the term “alcoholic”, but let’s just say I tell my doctor that I have “one drink” everyday. This was all fine and good when I had a fake ID, but now that I’m a 26-year-old woman, all of those empty calories have taken residency on my thighs, resulting in a hearty 16 pound weight gain in 2 months (hahahhaha help me hahahah). So, in the name of vanity, I decided to give up alcohol for the entire month of October.

Here are the five stages of grief when dealing with Sober October, Ocsober, or, if you’re not a douche, just October without drinking:

  1. Denial and isolation: You will tell yourself that being sober is easy. It’s only 30 days! Big whoop! You’ve got this. There are so many more exciting things to do when you’re not getting drunk! Cut to two days in, you’re alone in bed trying to make ginger ale taste better while your friends go to happy hour (isolation).
  2. Anger: Not only are you angry because you JUST WANT ONE GLASS OF PINOT WHILE YOU WRITE THIS DAMN THING, but you’re angry because you can’t thing of a single fucking thing to do that doesn’t involve alcohol. Who the fuck watches Game of Thrones sober?!
  3. Bargaining: Ok so….what if you only drink on weekends? That’s basically the same thing as being sober, right? What if you just smoke a ton of pot instead? That’s better than drinking!
  4. Depression: Going to bed early, skipping the wine aisle on grocery trips, drinking ‘mocktails’ at dinner, making yourself go to the gym, soberly talking to your husband about your hopes and dreams…you may as well be at church camp.
  5. Acceptance: Haven’t hit this one yet. I’ll let you know if it ever happens.

I miss you, wine!


10 Sure-Fire Ways To Make A Hostess Hate You


After a pretty sweet promotion, I found myself saying (yet again) “this is the last time I’ll be working in the service industry!”. If you’ve ever worked at a restaurant you know how much of a bullshit statement this is. If you’ve never worked in a restaurant then you probably think 15% is an acceptable tip amount and I can’t stand you as a person.

Since I’m a millennial that’s in debt and everyone I know is a millennial that’s in debt, we all know it’s nearly impossible to actually get out of the service industry. Once you realize you can make cash that fast without taking your clothes off, it’s tough to walk away forever.

While I enjoy my restaurant-free life for the next unforeseeable months, I thought I’d share some of my hard-earned employee wisdom with you so you can avoid the wrath of the evil hostess (me). Yeah I know, you’ve probably seen tons of hilarious server memes and likely follow the bitchywaiter on Instagram, but hostesses are the real ball-busters of the dining world, so I’m just going to go ahead and speak for all of them.

Try to avoid the following at all costs:

  1. Telling me you want “the nicest table in the house”. Just in case you’re curious, there is no part of any training (at least that I’m aware of) where the manager says, “oh just so you know, that table right there is the nicest table in the house”. As far as I’m concerned, all the tables are the same, except for the one that’s directly behind the host stand where you can hear us all talking about whether or not we like anal. Unless you’re into that, then that’s the best table in the house.
  2. Telling me you know the owner/asking if the owner is there. First of all, knowing the owner of a restaurant isn’t even a remotely cool connection, and I KNOW THEM TOO SO IT’S REALLY NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL. Furthermore, if you actually do know the owner so well then you’d know that they aren’t putzing around their establishment on a Friday night hoping you’d stop by without a reservation. Get real. Name dropping has never been and will never be cool.
  3. Showing up late to your reservation and getting butt hurt when I give your table away. We’re busy and we have tables to fill. If you can’t figure out how to call and say you’re on your way, you don’t deserve to dine out. I’m not allowed to show up 15 minutes late for my job, why are you allowed to show up late? Girl, bye.
  4. Asking me to call a cab for you. It’s 2016 are you fucking serious.
  5. Asking if we have a children’s menu. I understand that this one is subject to location but I’ve never worked at TGIFriday’s and don’t think children should be allowed in restaurants so just, don’t.
  6. Asking to move tables. CAN YOU NOT CAN YOU JUST PLEASE NOT.
  7. Touching me in any way, shape, or form. Don’t gently put your hand on my back and ask me where the restroom is. Don’t touch my arm and tell me which table you want. Don’t pull my wrist to drag me somewhere quiet and tell me you’re paying for the whole table. I’m not impressed.
  8. Asking me to turn the lights up/turn the music down. Do you think I have a fucking all-access panel in the host stand? It’s called ambiance, for one, and I would never change the entire lighting and musical theme of an entire restaurant so you can read the menu better.
  9. Telling me that you have to pee (or similar). You are a grown ass adult. Under what circumstance would it ever be acceptable to tell a complete stranger at work: “I really have to pee. Where are the bathrooms?” Ew. Put this phrase in your back pocket, and remember it forever: “Excuse me, where are the restrooms?”. NO OTHER INFO NECESSARY.
  10. Completely ignoring me when I great you. Hi there, welcome! *silence* Thanks, I’ll just go fuck myself.

Happy dining! I hope I never have to walk any of you to “the best table in the house” ever again.