Awe, She’s Ugly!

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If you’re new to my blog, you may have missed my Ugly Ducking Syndrome piece. If you don’t feel like reading it, I’ll quickly summarize: I was an ugly little kid. I was also an ugly teen. I’m not going to argue that I’m exactly attractive now, but I am confident that I didn’t get much worse in the looks department.

Now that I’m married and somewhat of a grown up, I don’t want to say that I care less about my appearance, or that (God forbid) I’m letting myself go, but it would be fair to say that the last thing I do before I head out the door is glance in the mirror, shrug and say “good enough”.

After I figured out that makeup was too much work and getting complimented on my looks did very little for how I felt or went about life, I focused on school, work, my heath, and myself. I have my insecurities, just like everyone. You can’t grow up with braces, glasses, and a bowl cut all at once without having some residual fears of people giving you a swirly.

I managed to let a lot of those things go when I started becoming successful in ways that actually mattered to me. But now that I have a hot husband, those shitty feelings have kind of been shoved  back in my face.

I can’t even begin to tell you how often people announce to me that my husband is really good looking. That’s nice, and I know, but I wish you would look a little less shocked when you say it.

When Aleks and I were dating, a drunk friend asked who the “hot guy was” in my Instagram pictures. When I said he was my boyfriend, she looked around, clearly surprised. “Really?” she said. “Wow. He’s really hot.” Aleks, so hot right now. Aleks.

Aleks recently did a modeling segment for the morning news, and even the frumpy anchor felt the need to yell on live TV that she had been checking him out all morning.

I’m not Helen Keller, I can see people staring at Aleks all the time. I see girls get uncomfortable and guilty looking after he introduces me to them. I actually think it’s pretty hilarious, but I’ll be honest, after the 20th time, I finally had to ask myself: am I the ugly one in this relationship?

If you’ve ever studied psychology, many researchers say that people gravitate towards those who are of the same attractiveness level as themselves. This may be why people in marching band always dated each other. With this knowledge, one could argue that I am as hot as Aleks. But alas, I am not.

Before my sub-par self came into the picture, Alek’s social media was crammed with angsty girls complimenting him from every angle and “liking” everything they could put a thumbs up on. But if he ever puts a picture up with me in it? Crickets. The hoes are no where to be found. I have, I’m sorry to say, found myself thinking: “Do they think I’m too ugly to be with him?”

Before you exit out of this page and go oh my God this is the most pathetic blog I’ve ever read, try to hold on.

I spent a lot of time thinking about what ACTUALLY makes someone attractive. What do you really get out of being around a hot person?

This is cliche, and it’s boring, and no one wants to hear it, but we are not going to be hot forever.  I’d venture to say I hit the jackpot because Aleks actually does have a good personality and he makes me laugh, but trust me, he has flaws. If my biggest issue is that basic girls don’t think I’m hot enough to stand next to someone they’ve only admired from afar, then I’m doing ok.

Sure, I’ve been at social events and pumped myself up quietly while I stare into my glass of alcohol. “It’s ok, Kalee. You’re a good writer. You’re funny sometimes. You’re nice to animals.”

No, I’m not a tall model with awesome hair and great boobs and I have no idea how to contour my face or put on fake eyelashes. Most of the time I have something spilled on my pants and one of my eyes is noticeably smaller than the other. But my husband and I have conversations that last for hours. We challenge each other all the time. We read together. We play together. If Aleks got kicked in the face by a horse tomorrow I’d totally still hang out with him!

There are a fair amount of days that I feel pretty fugly and unworthy of my slamming hottie of a husband. But they are very weak in comparison to the days I feel smart, capable, brave, witty, and strong. That’s probably why I put as much effort into my outward appearance as I do.

I’m never going to be 100% happy with the way I look, but I’m digging my insides, and I think my husband is too,

Oh, and he totally thinks I’m a babe. He tells me every day.

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One thought on “Awe, She’s Ugly!

  1. This was super good, I loved what you said. I feel the same way a lot of times. I once had a group of middle school girls threaten to kill me to get with my husband, but I think you are selling your self short, you are super beautiful!

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