When You Are an Incredible Hypocrite

Penélope-Cruz-Blow

Not to brag, but… I have had a really great life so far. Some of my greatest accomplishments were not only graduating from an amazing college with a degree I am sincerely passionate about, but also finding a career in my field, and creating this blog. I don’t get paid for this silly thing, I actually pay $12 a year for the domain name. It has been my source of therapy, humor, and a small but slightly effective way to share my voice, my opinions, my point of view. If you have followed this blog at all, or even stumbled upon a post or two, you’ve probably encountered pretty intense, albeit humorous rants about marriage. These posts are not the kindest, and definitely not the most positive.

I have never had a problem admitting when I’m wrong, I take criticism graciously, but I had to swallow a shit-load of pride when I realized I’d have to (at some point) announce what a massive, undeniable hypocrite I am. So…

On September 5, 2015 I married Aleks D’Avignon at A Little White Wedding Chapel in Las Vegas. We had been dating for not even two months prior, and we only told a few friends.

Here is a picture of us:

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What can I say about this grand gesture of love and commitment I chose to make? Not a lot. Yet, at the same time, so much.

Aleks and I have both been in long-term relationships. Some pleasant, some extremely volatile. His parents are still blissfully married; mine made it a 20 year stretch which, you gotta admit, is pretty good. We’ve been around love, the absence of love, and, for quite some time, played the roles we felt we were supposed to play as a partner. All the while we rolled our eyes at other couples, at PDA, at anything resembling happiness.

But….now, this.

I can say with complete confidence that my relationship with him is unlike any I’ve had before. I understand that it seems strange, after a brief few weeks of dating, that we took it upon ourselves to put rings on each other’s fingers while taking forever vows. Legally binding vows. I understand that we are both dirt poor. That we’re young. That we’re reckless. But the way I feel about my husband transcends anything I can effectively write or say. He is my partner, my friend, my source of support, strength, inspiration, and for all intents and purposes, my spinal cord. There was not (and is not) one part of me that didn’t want to marry him. This decision was a reflection of all that we feel and want to give to one another.

I didn’t hesitate even for a second when saying “I do”.  And for someone who has spent so much time being bitter, and hurt, I was surprised by that. Aleks is handsome, and talented, and funny and kind, sure. I love all of those things about him. Many more. It would be easy to rattle off a list of great things about him. But he makes my world better. Profoundly, beautifully better. I sincerely love the person I am when I’m with him. He sees great value in my contributions to this planet, no matter their size. He has expectations of me that I want to not only reach, but exceed. He has no problem gently telling me how much of a brat I am when I’m hangry. He protects me. He gives my little soul value. And I’ve never had that before. Moreover, I didn’t think I deserved it before.

I’m writing this through tears of gratitude and happiness for the man in my life. I know that people think we’re morons, and that’s totally fine. Because if there’s anything I’ve learned about marriage, it’s that it has absolutely nothing to do with anyone else. I know that we will face many challenges, negativity, road blocks, and struggles. I know that every married couple does. But the one thing all married couples have in common is that they believe and have faith that their union is stronger than any challenge they may encounter. And now I’m one of those people. And my faith in my husband and the love that we share is stronger than anything I’ve ever created or found on my own.

Choosing to marry Aleks was the easiest decision I’ve ever made. I hope, and believe, with sincerity that we create a union that is beautiful and safe and happy and full of kindness. If for whatever reason things go south, I have to support whatever path we take because I love him that much.

So I’m a hypocrite. I didn’t want a big fancy wedding, and my partner gave that to me.  I didn’t want the attention and I didn’t get any. But I was wrong about a lot of things. And I’d apologize, but you’re all too happy for me to care, right? Because you’ve been there. Because we’re all there. Loving too strongly to let anything shitty in. I’m so grateful.

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