When You Are an Incredible Hypocrite

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Not to brag, but… I have had a really great life so far. Some of my greatest accomplishments were not only graduating from an amazing college with a degree I am sincerely passionate about, but also finding a career in my field, and creating this blog. I don’t get paid for this silly thing, I actually pay $12 a year for the domain name. It has been my source of therapy, humor, and a small but slightly effective way to share my voice, my opinions, my point of view. If you have followed this blog at all, or even stumbled upon a post or two, you’ve probably encountered pretty intense, albeit humorous rants about marriage. These posts are not the kindest, and definitely not the most positive.

I have never had a problem admitting when I’m wrong, I take criticism graciously, but I had to swallow a shit-load of pride when I realized I’d have to (at some point) announce what a massive, undeniable hypocrite I am. So…

On September 5, 2015 I married Aleks D’Avignon at A Little White Wedding Chapel in Las Vegas. We had been dating for not even two months prior, and we only told a few friends.

Here is a picture of us:

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What can I say about this grand gesture of love and commitment I chose to make? Not a lot. Yet, at the same time, so much.

Aleks and I have both been in long-term relationships. Some pleasant, some extremely volatile. His parents are still blissfully married; mine made it a 20 year stretch which, you gotta admit, is pretty good. We’ve been around love, the absence of love, and, for quite some time, played the roles we felt we were supposed to play as a partner. All the while we rolled our eyes at other couples, at PDA, at anything resembling happiness.

But….now, this.

I can say with complete confidence that my relationship with him is unlike any I’ve had before. I understand that it seems strange, after a brief few weeks of dating, that we took it upon ourselves to put rings on each other’s fingers while taking forever vows. Legally binding vows. I understand that we are both dirt poor. That we’re young. That we’re reckless. But the way I feel about my husband transcends anything I can effectively write or say. He is my partner, my friend, my source of support, strength, inspiration, and for all intents and purposes, my spinal cord. There was not (and is not) one part of me that didn’t want to marry him. This decision was a reflection of all that we feel and want to give to one another.

I didn’t hesitate even for a second when saying “I do”.  And for someone who has spent so much time being bitter, and hurt, I was surprised by that. Aleks is handsome, and talented, and funny and kind, sure. I love all of those things about him. Many more. It would be easy to rattle off a list of great things about him. But he makes my world better. Profoundly, beautifully better. I sincerely love the person I am when I’m with him. He sees great value in my contributions to this planet, no matter their size. He has expectations of me that I want to not only reach, but exceed. He has no problem gently telling me how much of a brat I am when I’m hangry. He protects me. He gives my little soul value. And I’ve never had that before. Moreover, I didn’t think I deserved it before.

I’m writing this through tears of gratitude and happiness for the man in my life. I know that people think we’re morons, and that’s totally fine. Because if there’s anything I’ve learned about marriage, it’s that it has absolutely nothing to do with anyone else. I know that we will face many challenges, negativity, road blocks, and struggles. I know that every married couple does. But the one thing all married couples have in common is that they believe and have faith that their union is stronger than any challenge they may encounter. And now I’m one of those people. And my faith in my husband and the love that we share is stronger than anything I’ve ever created or found on my own.

Choosing to marry Aleks was the easiest decision I’ve ever made. I hope, and believe, with sincerity that we create a union that is beautiful and safe and happy and full of kindness. If for whatever reason things go south, I have to support whatever path we take because I love him that much.

So I’m a hypocrite. I didn’t want a big fancy wedding, and my partner gave that to me.  I didn’t want the attention and I didn’t get any. But I was wrong about a lot of things. And I’d apologize, but you’re all too happy for me to care, right? Because you’ve been there. Because we’re all there. Loving too strongly to let anything shitty in. I’m so grateful.

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Calm Down

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It’s fair to say there’s a lot of shitty stuff happening in the world right now. I could sit here and rant about how I feel about gun policies in America but -surprisingly- that’s never been my thing. I am grateful for the internet in that it’s allowed me to share my writing with the world so quickly and efficiently. At the same time, I hate the internet because I have access to EVERYONE’s opinions that are basically redundant and boring.

I’ve been told a fair amount of times to be quiet, clean myself up, relax, pipe down, and the like for a lot of my life. After I received my degree and gained some “real world” experience the comments grew. I have a deeper-than-normal voice for a female and I tend to talk with my hands. I come on pretty strong and I have never had a problem speaking my mind. While all these things are no doubt obnoxious, I definitely think I’ve been told to be quiet because I’m smart.

For the first time in my life, I sat alone and cried for our country. I cried for the state of our people, for the sadness we’re enduring, for the unfair circumstances…but above all, I cried for the lack of change. I believe in evolution. I believe in people. I think growth and change is part of human nature, and it’s what makes us exceptional. It broke my heart so see that the senate voted to de-fund Planned Parenthood. I am aware that Obama will veto this horse shit for as long as he can, and that’s cool.

What troubles me, is that there are people in the world that I currently live in, that feel like it is acceptable to take things from me. Not just me, but my friends, my husband, my future children. There are people that don’t know me, don’t understand the body of woman, don’t care about the general public, don’t care about science, don’t care about anything but their own personal agenda.

I am twenty-five, I’m a wife, I’m a daughter, I’ll probably be a mother someday. I cannot sit idle by and watch stupid old men say that I don’t deserve a cancer screening, or birth control, or equal pay. I cannot watch someone with a legally purchased weapon walk into a place I see as safe and murder innocent people.

I honestly don’t care if my hurt, and my fear, and my beliefs are unattractive. I don’t care if “more guys would sleep with me” if I talked less. I don’t even really care that it seems like I come off like I think I’m better than everyone because I read and write and give a shit about my life.

I know that my opinions are a tiny drop in the biggest body of water. I know that I’m just a little voice. But I am a woman in 2015 with a pretty damn good head on my shoulders, and I’m so proud of it. I will not let the voices of insecure men take that away from me.

Keep making noise bitches, you are so beyond worthy of it.