Thanks for Flying

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When I was in college I did a decent amount of traveling. Not like cool traveling to Europe and shit, just flying back and forth from San Francisco and San Diego to see family. But whatever, I was at the airport a lot. I actually really enjoy flying, and something about power walking through the airport solo with cute boots on just makes me feel like a bad ass woman.

The airport is a fantastic place for writing material; it’s literally the best place to people watch, eve’s drop, and get drunk AF before a flight. Despite all of its wonderful qualities, the airport is a breeding ground for psychosis and stress. Flying into and out of SFO is literally the worst because the place is surrounded by fog and flights get cancelled and delayed all the fucking time. I usually don’t mind too much because I never check bags and hello I can get drunker while I wait. I’ve made the mistake of flying the day before Thanksgiving twice which is the busiest day of the year. The last time I decided to make that move there was a huge storm and my flight was delayed for 8 hours. Like I said, I was okay, Thanksgiving is one of my least favorite holidays, my phone was completely charged, I was only on chapter two of 50 Shades, and I had a solid spot at the bar. I was in the minority.

I think I heard at least 12 different people scream I NEED TO GET HOME TO SEE MY FAMILY? Oh really? Is that why you’re flying today? Family reasons? No one else here even celebrates Thanksgiving. You’re special. As hours passed, the airport started to turn into a weird homeless shelter. People were sleeping all over the floor, everyone looked like shit, and there was a lot of crying. I couldn’t decide what was more entertaining, the amount of women who found it appropriate to blame their husbands for our current predicament, or the amount of people who went up to the airline kiosks to ask about the flight delays. IT’S 2015. THERE ARE SCREENS FUCKING EVERYWHERE UPDATING YOU ON THE STATUS OF YOUR FLIGHT. ONE OF THEM IS LOCATED DIRECTLY BEHIND THE PEOPLE YOU’RE HARASSING. The holidays really do bring out the worst in people.

Even though they have super cheap flights, I personally hate Southwest airlines. The flight attendants are always run down looking and grouchy, and for some reason they always get pissed off when I ask for two bags of pretzels instead of peanuts. What is the big fucking deal you literally have both of them right there!!! Are we experiencing a pretzel famine?!!

The thing I really hate about Southwest is the fact that they don’t have assigned seating. This horrible equality operation really gives people a weird sense of entitlement. I think hierarchy is good for humans. You need to know where you stand in the world. Southwest uses this shitty A,B,C boarding system where you have a letter and a number so you know what order you can enter the plane. It’s fucking anarchy. I’ve literally never been in group A, and I’m small as shit so people get so pissed that I didn’t use my “open seating” opportunity to take a middle seat. Do you have any idea how angry fat or tall people get when they see someone who barely weighs 100 lbs take an aisle seat? Thank god airport security is so tight because I’d probably get shanked for this choice.

Anyway, I never really pay too much attention to my specific number, I kind just hover around the line area when they call my letter. People don’t like that. I’ve had my ticket grabbed from my hand by so many mid-westerners being like: “YOU’RE B 23, YOU’RE BEHIND ME! I’M B 8!! YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE RIGHT HERE”. Good god in heaven. Last time I checked we were all going on the same aircraft. I’m sure you and your beached whale of a wife are going to block the aisle for 45 minutes trying to shove a bunch of shit in the over head bin that should have been checked in the first place, why don’t you just let me and my normal sized carry-on sneak on by?

I try to keep to myself at the airport. I’ve never been one of those girls who over does it on luggage, I always wear sandals so I can fly through security, and I keep my headphones in almost constantly. For whatever reason, I can never just get through this place without being bothered by some idiot. I have a larger than normal area reserved for personal space, I admit, but people are WAY too close to me in airport lines. I’m gonna say this once and I won’t say it again. HOVERING RIDICULOUSLY CLOSE TO MY PERSON DOES NOT MAKE THE LINE GO FASTER. BACK THE FUCK UP.

Never have I ever dressed like a flight attendant, pilot, or TSA worker, but every time, without fail, someone asks me about a flight status. SIR, I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHY OUR FLIGHT WAS DELAYED 20 MINUTES. I HAD MY HEADPHONES IN TO DELIVER THE MESSAGE THAT I AM NOT INTERESTED IN SPEAKING TO YOU.

If it’s not some overly chatty person who doesn’t understand non-verbal cues, it’s security. I’m all about this random selection shit but WHY do I have to get the frisk every time??? Last time I went to the airport they fondled my top bun and then asked me to take it down in case I was “hiding something in it”. Yep, that’s it, I have a fucking grenade in my TOP BUN.

I went to the airport once stoned out of my mind and they pulled me aside to pat me down privately (I was wearing a tiny romper with no bra or underwear so that was fun) and then they wiped down my palms with this weird paper. I spent the whole time internally screaming and wondering if they found marijuana residue on my hands.

I think I’m going to start taking more road trips.

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