Not Cute

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Ok sooooo. If you know me AT ALL you know that I am pretty lazy about my appearance. I’m not like sweats and Uggs lazy but about 90% of the time I am wearing a top bun, yoga pants, and giant sunglasses. This doesn’t mean that I don’t give a shit, I just don’t have the time or energy to wear makeup. I’ve never really been a girly girl to begin with, but I’m also not athletic enough to be a tomboy, so I kind of float somewhere in the middle.

ON OCCASION I have to venture into some of the world’s scariest places: makeup stores. Seriously, I fucking hate them. First of all- germs. I don’t want to touch anything. Second, I don’t know how to put on any of this shit. My mom didn’t teach me ANYTHING about makeup and I couldn’t last long enough in musical theater to pick up any tips from the gays.

That being said, I still wear makeup sometimes. Hello, I am not a total troll. I figure since it’s kind of a rare thing I should at least wear the nice stuff. I will splurge on MAC blush and lipstick because they last for a long time. Everything else (tinted moisturizer, eyebrow kit and mascara) comes from Target because I’m not made of money okay?!?!

The thing that sucks the most about purchasing makeup is the employees. MAC employees fucking suck. YEAH I SAID IT. Why are these girls so mean? Look, I understand that when I walk in the door with un-brushed hair, a dude’s flannel shirt, and not one speck of makeup on my face you THINK I’m not going to buy anything- but you’re wrong! I’m just the type of girl that takes 4 minutes to get ready for my day…not 4 hours.

Hey I get it, your face is your canvas, you’re artistic, sure. But you don’t have to be the world’s biggest a-hole to me because I can’t remember if the lipstick I bought last time was a matte or a sheen. Or whatever.

These girls come up to me literally looking like the world’s scariest clown and get sass? Listen bitch, I’m just trying to buy a simple lipstick so I feel like I put a few extra minutes worth of effort in for date night. Relax, Chuckie.

I’m starting to think these girls might be insecure. HAHA what a laugh! People that wear too much makeup have insecurities? Scratch that.

I’m not trying to sit here and claim that I’m flawless or anything like that, I’m just inept with makeup products and I think it’s kind of like being a liar. I’m all about enhancing a feature here and there but I’m not trying to look like a completely different human being. I actually DON’T horrify my boyfriend when he wakes up next to me in the morning so let’s just DROP THE ATTITUDE OK?!

I feel like they have a problem with me from the second I walk in because I don’t look the way they do. I have NEVER been treated nicely by a MAC girl. I am well aware that I look like a scruffy peasant, but I also don’t need 50 lbs of concealer to feel human- so maybe we should just call it even. Your face looks heavy. Sorry I’ll stop.

One of my best friends is actually a make up artist, like a professional one, and she has confirmed my theory multiple times. Basically, if you are a naturally decent looking person who doesn’t depend on hundreds of dollars worth of contouring to feel normal, MAC girls will be mean to you. So either stick to the Target section or shop online. I learned my lesson.

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An Open Letter to Douchebags Who Tell Me to Smile More

NEW YORK, NY - APRIL 09:  Kanye West at 106 & Park Studio on April 9, 2012 in New York City.  (Photo by Craig Barritt/Getty Images)

Hi there,

I’m going to start off this letter by simply saying: FUCK OFF. I say this because, chances are, if I’m walking down literally ANY street on planet earth, some idiot such as yourself if going to find something to say that will elicit that exact response.

I could make this letter the world’s longest rant about all the horrible things men say and do to me when I’m just taking a leisurely stroll to get some fro-yo, but I think everyone gets the picture. I personally made it through 5 years of  braving the San Francisco streets by verbally retaliating at my harassers without getting mugged or raped, but I’m not saying that’s a guarantee.

Look, if you are a creepy constructor worker, hobo, bored dude on his lunch break, or you know, someone with a penis, I guess this is just your way of dealing with your insane levels of testosterone and I feel bad for you. Enjoy your life as a sad perv.

HOWEVER.

This goes out to non-pervy men, elderly guys, police offers, bus drivers, and anyone who thinks TELLING ME WHAT TO DO WITH MY FACE is alright, I’ll say it again: fuck off.

I discussed this in my RBF blog, but seriously, who the hell walks around town smiling all the time? I could literally be in the happiest mood of my life and I’m still going to be like “Hi mister bus driver! Check out how straight my smile is! I had braces!” YOU DON’T GET TO SEE MY TEETH, I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

Telling someone to smile is actually super rude. It’s none of your business. I don’t give a shit if you think I “look prettier when I smile”, you are a complete fucking stranger at Souplantation and your opinion holds no value.

I don’t even care if you give me the double Sarah Palin guns and yell: “Give me a smile!” the only thing you’ll get from me is a middle finger, potentially two. Not only will I not smile, I will silently plot all the ways I can kill you and your extended family with a look of pure hatred.

You know, it’s one thing to walk the streets and hearing “Nice ass!” “How much?” “DAMN BEEZY!” But telling me to smile is the worst of the worst.

I hope you choke on  a corn dog later.

Sincerely,

Kalee

Thanks for Flying

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When I was in college I did a decent amount of traveling. Not like cool traveling to Europe and shit, just flying back and forth from San Francisco and San Diego to see family. But whatever, I was at the airport a lot. I actually really enjoy flying, and something about power walking through the airport solo with cute boots on just makes me feel like a bad ass woman.

The airport is a fantastic place for writing material; it’s literally the best place to people watch, eve’s drop, and get drunk AF before a flight. Despite all of its wonderful qualities, the airport is a breeding ground for psychosis and stress. Flying into and out of SFO is literally the worst because the place is surrounded by fog and flights get cancelled and delayed all the fucking time. I usually don’t mind too much because I never check bags and hello I can get drunker while I wait. I’ve made the mistake of flying the day before Thanksgiving twice which is the busiest day of the year. The last time I decided to make that move there was a huge storm and my flight was delayed for 8 hours. Like I said, I was okay, Thanksgiving is one of my least favorite holidays, my phone was completely charged, I was only on chapter two of 50 Shades, and I had a solid spot at the bar. I was in the minority.

I think I heard at least 12 different people scream I NEED TO GET HOME TO SEE MY FAMILY? Oh really? Is that why you’re flying today? Family reasons? No one else here even celebrates Thanksgiving. You’re special. As hours passed, the airport started to turn into a weird homeless shelter. People were sleeping all over the floor, everyone looked like shit, and there was a lot of crying. I couldn’t decide what was more entertaining, the amount of women who found it appropriate to blame their husbands for our current predicament, or the amount of people who went up to the airline kiosks to ask about the flight delays. IT’S 2015. THERE ARE SCREENS FUCKING EVERYWHERE UPDATING YOU ON THE STATUS OF YOUR FLIGHT. ONE OF THEM IS LOCATED DIRECTLY BEHIND THE PEOPLE YOU’RE HARASSING. The holidays really do bring out the worst in people.

Even though they have super cheap flights, I personally hate Southwest airlines. The flight attendants are always run down looking and grouchy, and for some reason they always get pissed off when I ask for two bags of pretzels instead of peanuts. What is the big fucking deal you literally have both of them right there!!! Are we experiencing a pretzel famine?!!

The thing I really hate about Southwest is the fact that they don’t have assigned seating. This horrible equality operation really gives people a weird sense of entitlement. I think hierarchy is good for humans. You need to know where you stand in the world. Southwest uses this shitty A,B,C boarding system where you have a letter and a number so you know what order you can enter the plane. It’s fucking anarchy. I’ve literally never been in group A, and I’m small as shit so people get so pissed that I didn’t use my “open seating” opportunity to take a middle seat. Do you have any idea how angry fat or tall people get when they see someone who barely weighs 100 lbs take an aisle seat? Thank god airport security is so tight because I’d probably get shanked for this choice.

Anyway, I never really pay too much attention to my specific number, I kind just hover around the line area when they call my letter. People don’t like that. I’ve had my ticket grabbed from my hand by so many mid-westerners being like: “YOU’RE B 23, YOU’RE BEHIND ME! I’M B 8!! YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE RIGHT HERE”. Good god in heaven. Last time I checked we were all going on the same aircraft. I’m sure you and your beached whale of a wife are going to block the aisle for 45 minutes trying to shove a bunch of shit in the over head bin that should have been checked in the first place, why don’t you just let me and my normal sized carry-on sneak on by?

I try to keep to myself at the airport. I’ve never been one of those girls who over does it on luggage, I always wear sandals so I can fly through security, and I keep my headphones in almost constantly. For whatever reason, I can never just get through this place without being bothered by some idiot. I have a larger than normal area reserved for personal space, I admit, but people are WAY too close to me in airport lines. I’m gonna say this once and I won’t say it again. HOVERING RIDICULOUSLY CLOSE TO MY PERSON DOES NOT MAKE THE LINE GO FASTER. BACK THE FUCK UP.

Never have I ever dressed like a flight attendant, pilot, or TSA worker, but every time, without fail, someone asks me about a flight status. SIR, I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHY OUR FLIGHT WAS DELAYED 20 MINUTES. I HAD MY HEADPHONES IN TO DELIVER THE MESSAGE THAT I AM NOT INTERESTED IN SPEAKING TO YOU.

If it’s not some overly chatty person who doesn’t understand non-verbal cues, it’s security. I’m all about this random selection shit but WHY do I have to get the frisk every time??? Last time I went to the airport they fondled my top bun and then asked me to take it down in case I was “hiding something in it”. Yep, that’s it, I have a fucking grenade in my TOP BUN.

I went to the airport once stoned out of my mind and they pulled me aside to pat me down privately (I was wearing a tiny romper with no bra or underwear so that was fun) and then they wiped down my palms with this weird paper. I spent the whole time internally screaming and wondering if they found marijuana residue on my hands.

I think I’m going to start taking more road trips.