I’ve had two major romantic relationships in my life. One lasted over two years, but I was never verbally acknowledged as a “girlfriend” and I’m about 100000% sure I got fooled around on for one of those magical years. The second one didn’t even make the one year stretch but we did live together, got a cat together, unleashed the L-world, created an enormous “us versus them” lifestyle and basically emotionally damaged the shit out of each other.
I don’t want to claim that these guys are bad people, or that anyone I’ve casually or not-so-casually dated is a bad person. We just weren’t right for each other. Bad timing.
I know for a fact I am not the only girl who has a history of falling for guys who are just not good for them. I have been on plenty of dates with nice clean guys who have a nice clean driving record and plenty of nice clean shirts. Why these types of guys have never appealed to me is a fucking mystery. I’ve seen and skimmed “He’s Just Not That Into You”, and the whole theory of liking guys that treat you like shit because your parents told you the mean boy that kicked sand in your face secretly likes you is intriguing, but I’m not sold on it. For one, my parents never told me that, and for another, it’s not that black and white. There is a world of difference between getting sand kicked in your face and being manipulated into driving a truck full of pain killers through the Sequoias (random example…or is it?). I want a bad boy with a sensitive side- sue me.
I know that some of my friends who are reading this don’t even know what I’m talking about. They have guys who support them and adore them and actually add them on Facebook. But there are some of us (I’d venture to say a lot of us) who CHOOSE men who just won’t give us the love we so desperately want.
Be it my dad issues, rescue mentality, or just straight up being a regular female– I’ve pretty much found a way to pick someone who just isn’t a good fit, which has ultimately lead to the brick fortress that surrounds my heart today. Sad story, but I don’t think I would have created this blog without it.
So let’s just say…for the sake of a blog topic, that you find someone who is loving and kind and doesn’t bore you. Someone that you actually, truly, genuinely like back- that you don’t want to rescue, change, or control… what the fuck do you do? How do you stop being bitter and apprehensive and scared shit-less that something horrible is going to happen? How do you find the balance between all that you’ve worked to achieve and now, this?
How do you let someone in without losing yourself? How do you trust your journey?
I’ve recently made an effort to meditate (I know, I know). I’ve taken some guided meditation and breathing classes, and each one has left me more physically sick and anxiety ridden than the next. Understandably freaked out, I spoke to a couple of professionals about this, and they told me that it’s normal, that my body and heart are making space for all the delightful bliss to enter. Which means that I have to keep going, keep trying, so that I can rid the shitty stuff first. Bad things and bad dudes are GOING to happen. Your heart is going to hurt in unfathomable ways. I think it’s quite easy to get stuck in a place of hurt, and anger, and feeling unworthy. It’s easy to stay there.
I want to tell you that since starting this blog I’ve completely gotten my shit together and now I know how to have a healthy, functioning relationship. I’d like even more to tell you that my yoga and writing career just took off and I’m this incredibly independent, empowered woman. Jesus I’d like to even tell you I’m a lesbian now. None of that’s true (sorry, ladies!). I’m on a slow moving train to a few of these objectives.
I’m feeling really happy these days. Really safe, too. But I’m scared that my hobbies will suffer, my work, this blog. I don’t want to lose it. The bigger part of me is hopeful. I think that my tiny little Grinch heart is finally ready for kindness. So I’m diving in, pulling the trigger.
Wish me luck?