Forever Single


I turned 25 recently, the same age my mother was when she gave birth to me. A quarter of a century: a blinding reminder of how far I’ve come and what I’ve not yet accomplished. My social media outlets are literally bloated with engagement, wedding, ring, baby, shower, etc. photos. I hate to be crass but, now that I’m 25, I’m noticing that my Facebook feed is packed with a bunch of shit I don’t care about. Or understand for that matter. And if it’s not wedding/birth related- it sure is couple-y. I know I sound like that girl who falls out of the window at the shitty Sex and the City party but, when (and why) did everybody pair off?

Trust me, this isn’t going to be another rant about how I “don’t get” marriage and about how kids are annoying; I think you get the picture. Today at work I was talking to my coworker who had just stumbled across her boyfriend’s Google history which (unfortunately) was not filled with a bunch of porn, but engagement rings. Yikes! Another coworker of mine, 35, told me she’s “ready to settle down” and is literally making that very clear to any guy on Tinder who returns a like.

My greedy lady loins recently sought after a dude who was currently tied up. He told me he and his live-in girlfriend were seeking out couples counseling to “deal with his issues” (AKA being attracted to me). They’ve barely been together two years. No one has ever looked more unattractive to me. Last time I checked couple’s counseling was for people who’ve been together WAY too long and this is their last hope before they decide who gets the sweet DVD collection.

My boss literally just met a girl a few minutes ago and immediately flew a few states over to spend a long weekend with her. When he returned he claimed it was the best three days of his life. Really pal?

All around me, people’s clocks are ticking. Everyone wants someone. Partners are a novelty, and you better grab one quick. Do you want my opinion? Obviously, since you’re reading this.

I think most couples, in particular couples my age, are a mess. It sure is convenient to toss all of your problems onto another person under a charade of happiness, but like T.Swift says, “bandaids don’t fix bullet holes”, DO THEY?! But seriously, I’ve been single for almost two years now, bouncing in and out of “relationships”, but, once I see them in my rear view mirror don’t really claim them as such. More like casualties in the battlefield of my twenties.

Being single actually forces me to look at all of my shit, and (gasp) deal with it myself. I don’t see a lot of that happening in 20-something couples. It’s a lot of expectations from another to fix you, help you, make you feel special. That’s quite temporary.

“Well what are you looking for?” my coworker asked me. My eyes glazed over in that way they always do when the topic of boys comes up,  but I was able to answer. I told her I just wanted someone to take me out for food and drinks, compliment me a bit, and then drop me off at home.

I stopped it there, the looks on the girls’ faces reminding me of how alone I really am in this world of pairs. The truth is, I want a lot of things. I just don’t expect to get them from one person. I don’t think that I can fit all the needs of another.

I want to come home, take my pants off, watch Kardashians and eat Cheez-Its straight out of the box without anyone bugging me about it. I want to have good sex and flip over and fall right to sleep after. I want cute texts when I’m in the mood for them, but not all the time. I don’t want to check in with anyone when I’m out late. I want to snuggle up and watch Parks and Recreation in comfy clothes and no make up, but then later I’ll want to go to a nice dinner and wear some eyeliner. I want someone who’s stoked to be around me. I want a dude who has his own life. I want to be swept off my feet but not be late to work the next morning. Sometimes I want one dude. Sometimes I want four (not at the same time). I want all of these dudes to only want me. I want support, friendship, devotion. I want freedom, space, and my individuality.

I have a favorite ice cream flavor, always have. It doesn’t mean I don’t sample as many flavors as possible before I commit to my purchase.

Sometimes I feel like those horses with blinders on; I can only see ahead of me, one step at a time. I can’t compare myself to anyone because I’m not those people. All you couples, you confuse the shit out of me, you really do. And for the rest of us lost, sort of single people, treading water, not really sure if we’re going to swim to the deep end or just walk out of pool and keep tanning- I think we’ll be just fine.


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