A Complete Guide to Making Women Feel Crazy

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Well hello there! If you’ve stumbled across this post with interest you’re probably a giant douche. Welcome! Here you will find a simple, yet informative guide to treating women like shit, confusing them, fucking with their heads, and (hopefully) how to turn them into emotionally damaged wrecks. Enjoy!

First things first, where did you meet this girl? Was it a bar? Perhaps online? Anywhere where you were in a position of power and she vulnerable? Great! That makes it so much easier for your to be a tool. Why don’t you start things off by offering her an insincere compliment? Buy her a drink so she loosens up! Ask for her number and make sure to put a happy face in the first text so she thinks you might actually be a nice person. Tell her how great it was to meet her! LIE!

Once you’ve got her number and her attention, be sure to ask her out on a date, somewhere non-threatening so she knows you’re not a rapist. Sushi is always nice. Wear a clean shirt. Smile and nod a lot when she talks so she can’t tell how bored you are, and that you’re slowly plotting all the ways to drop her like a hot potato. This will not only entertain you, but she won’t suspect a thing!

Take her on a few more dinner dates so she thinks you respect her. That will really fuck with her head!  Introduce her to a friend or roommate so she starts to feel welcome. Whenever she says she likes something say, ME TOO so it seems like you have shit in common. Tell her how pretty she is. Tell her she’s amazing while you picture her naked. Zone out during her story about her family!

Whenever you get ready for bed, chuckle to yourself knowing that she’s texting her friends telling them she thinks she finally met a great guy! What a riot!

Make sure to hint around the idea of a label, but tell her that you really don’t like them. Girlfriends? Bleh!

Empty gestures are the key to making women feel awful. Give them a try! You’ll love them. Say things like- “I’ll call you soon!” “Let’s get dinner tomorrow” “I’d love it if you met my parents” Maintain eye contact while you lie! It’s super fun.

Once she gets comfortable enough to spend the night at your house, or better yet, fuck you- start pulling back! Plan a night out with the guys- you deserve it! Ignore her texts for a few hours, just because you can. Now would be a great time to hit up an ex girlfriend, or just conveniently text another girl you met recently. Ask her to send you a dirty picture! Once you notice your current lady’s confidence start to waver, hit her hard. Cancel some plans! That would be fun. Bail out on dinner last minute and tell her you fell asleep! That one’s a classic.

Once you’ve managed to fuck with her enough that she calls you once or twice, or sends a text saying “what’s going on” “is everything ok?” just drop of the face of the earth. Act like your dead! But make sure your friends still tag you on social media so she gets REAL confused. This next part is crucial: don’t offer any explanation! Seriously! Disappearing from someone’s life is a great way to emotionally damage them and ensure they won’t trust another man for months, hell, years! Tell all your friends what a crazy nut case she is while you get drunk wearing a deep v neck!

You may think you’ve finished your mission here, and you’re definitely close- but keep an eye on her social media jusssst in case you see her start to move on, or look happy in any way- then you’ll know it’s time to send her an ambiguous text. Just to fuck with her! Say something like you’ve been thinking about her, or you hope she’s doing well. She’ll never see it coming!

If you think this process may be hard for you, don’t worry- you’re a man after all! It’s in your DNA. Tons of douchey things will come naturally to you. Just remember what’s most important: your penis! Happy dating!

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Brave

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Ever since I was young people have told me that I’m brave. Whether I was tap dancing all over the stage, sitting atop a float, or auditioning for every non-profit local play there was, I was always getting compliments on my guts, my determination. I’ve dyed my hair every color under the sun, never cried when a few extra inches got cut off. Upon moving to San Francisco on my own to start college, there was a collective shrug from my friends and family, as if to say, “of course Kalee would do that, why wouldn’t she?” I don’t get checked on a lot, my parents don’t worry about me- it’s just assumed that I’m trucking along, I’m doing fine. I recently had to take a personality assessment for work that boasted one of the highest levels of drive (for a female, they felt the need to add).

The fact that I have this blog is supposedly brave. There’s this concept that sharing my thoughts and ideas is this valiant act of courage. It’s not.

Just yesterday I went to the house of a guy who I’d been dating to ask him why he suddenly started ignoring me. I was called brave, but also crazy. That’s fine. I don’t really care- neither of those words came to my mind, that’s just how I deal with things. Communicating and being honest are not brave- however, I think avoiding communication, honesty, discomfort, and negativity are quite cowardly.

I don’t feel brave at all. I’ve been in positions where I’ve tried to defend my insecurities, my uncertainty, only to be met with eye rolls or disbelief. I personally believe that things like public speaking, working, finishing school, changing/finding careers, and travel are not scary. I don’t think change is scary in general. So I don’t feel brave. I never feel brave.

I’m super scared of birds. I hate going to the doctor. I can’t be alone for too long without getting upset. I have really high anxiety. It takes a lot for me to feel safe. I make up weird stories all the time to get out of things, to sound more interesting, to get people to like me. When I experience a setback I immediately think of myself as a failure. The expectations I have for myself do not feel high, they feel normal. The expectations I set for those around me don’t feel high at all, but I am continuously disappointed by friends, family, boyfriends.

I’m afraid of heights, of bugs, of large bodies of water, of breaking my bones, of submarines.

I typically don’t put much thought into what I wear, how I look, or what people think of me because those things will never change me. But that doesn’t make me brave.

I think the people that have found contentment are the bravest. These people who are so okay with their lives, their place in the world. What it must be like to not feel the need to search anymore, to not feel restless, to want to ask why. The people who can make lifetime commitments with only 2 decades under their belt, the people who have babies, who share themselves so effortlessly. Nothing that I’ve done is brave. Everything I’ve done is selfish, a search for security in a continuous state of discontent.

#pussy thanks for reading!