Ice Queen

elsa

In my first semester of college I took a psychology lecture. One day we were given a large list of words and told to pick three that described us best. I don’t remember all three, but I definitely remember picking the world ‘cold’. Our professor showed us two columns of the available words, one was a list of “positive” words and the other “negative”. Obviously ‘cold’ fell under the negative description.

I have resting bitch face. I don’t like hugging; I don’t like “bonding”. I prefer to be by myself. It takes a long journey of struggle to get me to feel safe and comfortable with others. I didn’t pick ‘cold’ to be interesting, I picked it because I feel that it does describe me, and to be honest, I’m fine with it. I have created a relatively safe world behind a screen where I can share relatable stories, funny rants, and life experiences for others to enjoy. That makes me feel good. Going out into the “real world” and sharing myself, opening up to strangers face-to-face sounds like hell on earth.

I have a solid group of friends that I love and appreciate. I have a small, generally close family. I don’t have a significant other. These aspects of my life do not bother me and I am not actively seeking out ways to change them.

A recent string of events have left me feeling really frustrated and more withdrawn than normal. A few posts back I spoke of the CEO who told me I needed to “humble myself” and that my enthusiasm and personality were not right for my age at an interview. I recently had another interview (for a writing position) with an extremely successful company, who’s creative manager sought out time to meet with me following said interview to inform me that I am talented, however lacking “emotional intelligence and sensitivity”.  My yoga teacher training ended with a kind, genuine speech from my instructor about how much “stronger” I am than I know, and a wistful hope that I would someday want to share myself positively with others.

I have a University education. I have a pretty plump writing resume, complete with references. I completed my yoga teaching certification on time. I followed all the rules. When did this become somehow sub-par to being an “emotionally available” person?

I am approaching 25 and I have zero desire to be emotionally vulnerable with anyone, let alone someone who is signing my checks. I don’t understand why the desire to poke, and prod, and label, and fix has become commonplace. If my style of writing doesn’t work for your company, that’s fine. If you don’t respond to the way I deliver physical cues, it’s not a big deal. But I am not prepared to defend my heart, my soul, my insides for a job.

Maybe when I turn the big 3-0 I will seek out “help” for this detrimental “issue” I am facing today. But I prefer to move forward in my career by being impressive on paper, and none of your business in person. Whatever.

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