Bitch Tactics Volume V


“Brief But Effective Responses”

One part of being an outspoken, articulate bitch is that people expect you always have something to say. While 99.9% of the time I do, there are those times when I literally have zero desire to get involved in anything. This can happen for a multitude of reasons, but the main one I can come up with is just that I’m over it. The best way to conquer being totally over people (besides cutting them out of your life, which we can explore in another blog) is to give them BBERs- Brief But Effective Responses. This can range from one word to one sentence that accurately displays your disinterest and lack of investment.

We’ve already discussed the power of “No.” perhaps the most brief but also the most effective, “no” will take care of basically any problem you encounter.

That’s really interesting. Keep your voice as monotone as possible when you use this one, or depending how stupid the topic is, use too much emphasis on really. Example: “You’re going on an all-Gatorade cleanse? That’s really interesting.”  [insert eye roll here]. This one works great on boyfriends as well. “You went out with the guys and you didn’t have anything to drink, huh? That’s really interesting.” Obviously whatever this person is saying is not even remotely in the realm of being interesting, so make sure you look as bored as possible.

I don’t care. I say this one a lot, and I often sub it with “I couldn’t care less” or “Nobody cares”. Functioning as the exact opposite of “that’s really interesting”, it is a hard, cold truth that cuts to the bone. If no one cares about what you’re saying, hopefully you’ll stop saying it. Example: “Kaley, you really hurt that girl’s feelings when you made fun of Mormons wearing one-piece bathing suits.” “I don’t care.”[insert casual drink sip here] Viola.

You’re embarrassing. Some behaviors are just best kept in-doors. I have a few friends that just don’t know how to act in public. If someone is over-doing inside jokes that no one else understands, going through impersonations that aren’t hitting, or quoting movies that no one else in the group has seen, a simple: “You’re embarrassing” usually shuts it down.

Ugh. Another one I use pretty frequently, this is best presented when you are disgusted by a topic to the point where it literally needs to be dropped forever. Hold your hand up like “stop in the name of love” status and people should get it. Also to be used when perusing through an ex-girlfriend’s pictures on social media.

Can you stop? The last guy I dated was one of those people that just could not grasp that nothing good happens after midnight. I don’t know how you don’t get the picture when all of the fucking lights go on in a bar, but whatever. Glance around, take in the atmosphere, give this young go-hard the once over and say, “um, can you stop?” This one is not fool-proof, yet, but it has a decent success rate. “Can you not?” is the basic version of this BBER.

I’m busy. Because no one is every really busy. Seriously it works for everything.

Best of luck, bitches.


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