In Case You Were Wondering


As you may or may not have noticed, a decent amount of my blog posts either involve poking fun at marriage, or discrediting weddings in some way. As a single person, I want to offer some explanation for this. While it may seem that everything I write comes from a place of bitterness, this couldn’t be farther from true. I have actually never been to a wedding, but I have seen a fair amount of movies with weddings in them, so I pretty much get the picture. Don’t get me wrong, they seem like a blast, but I just don’t personally believe in them.

Here is an organized analysis of why:

Part 1, Facts: As an evolved, educated, modern woman, I view marriage for what it is: a legal agreement. The merging and protection of assets. You know why? Because that’s what the fuck it is. I could get all humorous and be like “it’s betting half your shit you’ll love someone forever!” but prenups kind of eliminate that joke and that’s not even really what I’m trying to say. What I’m saying is, cut and dry, the straight fucking facts, that’s what marriage is. That’s it, and that’s all. I don’t understand why that is romantic, or why it merits fine china. I think it’s cool that you want to like, share your love, but getting the government involved in your love seems super weird to me. If I met someone who was super interested in taking on $50,000 of student loan debt, I’d marry them too. But strictly for that reason. The biggest supporters of gay marriage are divorce lawyers (and me, because I love gay people).

Bitches like attention, that’s another fucking fact, so I can appreciate why you would want to spend a hefty amount on a dress that makes you look fly and literally throw a party about yourself. However, if just the known statistics about the amount of marriages that fail isn’t enough to cause you to cut back on your budget, I don’t know what is. You’re going to force a bunch of people to sit still and stare at you for over an hour reciting vows that you have a less than 50% chance of keeping? Why?

Part 2, Hypocrisy: If you are one of those people who truly feel that your wedding, or your future wedding, or just weddings in general are about love, romance, commitment, and celebrating your deep love for one another, that’s fucking great, it is. I just find it odd that the ceremony has the ability to cause so much stress. I personally feel that if all you really give a shit about is you and your partner’s supreme love, who gives a crap about who sits where, and the venue, and the expenses, and the food, and the flowers, and how this day has to be so effing perfect. That really seems like a great way to lose sight of what you’re claiming the union is about in the first place. I can only speak from a place of the gentle, juvenile love I’ve experienced, but I never cared once about the expectations of other people when I was that smitten. All the material really falls away when you are in love.

I really don’t even want to say this because it’s so inappropriate but I’m already in it, so I’ll just say that EVERYONE knows that religious couples get hitched first because they want to have sex. You’re not fooling anyone, you’re just not.

Part 3, History: Let’s go back…a bunch of years…and think about human beings. So, for a long ass time, women were basically property, right? They couldn’t do shit. And men could do everything. Men owned land, and cattle, and their houses, and their guns, and so on. So one day, men kind of looked around and were like, what else can I own? How about that lady? Yeah, ok, I’ll own that lady. She’ll have my last name so everyone knows I own her.  THAT’S MARRIAGE. Old people stay married because they literally don’t know what the fuck else to do. You know when my grandma was married to my grandpa she couldn’t even open up her own bank account with him approving it? We’ve made enormous steps since then, obviously, but I mean…historically…you are holding on to the weirdest tradition ever. You’re even keeping the white dress!! Do you know what the white dress represents?!

I guess this doesn’t really fall into the historical category but I don’t want to make a fucking science category so I’ll just throw in that there are very few, if any, mammals that mate for life (we are mammals, in case you didn’t know). Penguins and some other birds do it, but it’s not a common behavior amongst most species. I guess because we can walk and talk and invented Google, we created this idea of lifetime love. Every other animal and living creature will just bang and thrive, but we have to make up commitments to feel superior.

Part 4, Opinion:  If you know me at all, you know that I am actually a really kind, sensitive, and sometimes romantic person (sorta). I love love, I do. Do I believe in soulmates? No, I don’t. I used to hate guacamole and now I love it. People change all the time, they grow, they develop, their interests change, it’s totally normal. Why would you expect this one random person to just ride that wave of life with you and never get sick of you or just like, change their mind? I just think no one wants to be alone, myself included. I mean the biggest punishment you can get in prison is to be in solitary. To be by yourself. Pretending that a piece of paper somehow makes you more committed, more in love, and less likely to change or be broken is just not something I believe.

That lead singer from Kiss has happily been with his lady forever, and he calls her his girlfriend. I truly believe that I could be sincerely ok chilling with a guy that makes me happy without creating a show of it, without signing anything.  I believe that a guy is just as likely to dump you if you have sex with him on the first date or the 80th. I know you’re just as vulnerable for divorce as you are after 32 days of marriage or 20 years.

I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t want the guy I love (who doesn’t exist) to kneel in dirt and ask me to hang out forever. But that’s my ego speaking. And my ego doesn’t speak from a place of love.

This post is a huge bummer and I know that, but you get very few changes to thoroughly defend yourself in life, so I just thought I’d take it. Happy honeymoon!


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