Monthly Movie Review: Jerry Maguire

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If you don’t hate Tom Cruise yet you should definitely check this movie out. First of all, it is way better than Top Gun, and guys also don’t mind watching it with you because there are a lot of sports in it.

Tom is a sports agent who wears nice suits and is doing super well in his life. He just got engaged and works in this giant office and blah blah blah things are on the upswing. Renee Zellweger (who actually is semi attractive in this movie) is a kind of frumpy accountant who works in his office and is totally in love with him. She has this really cute kid with giant glasses who is allergic to the pillows on planes.

Tom (who’s name is Jerry in this movie, duh) visits one of his clients after he’s had a concussion and his little kid (who is totally Drake from Drake and Josh!) tells Jerry to fuck off because obviously he’s sick of his dad getting concussions. Jerry goes home and is super upset; he has a mini melt down and writes what he will call a “mission statement” even though it’s like a billion pages long. He then proceeds to go to Kinko’s and print a fucking bound copy for everyone in the office. His sentiment in the “mission statement” is actually really nice, it’s about not being greedy, representing fewer clients for less money, and basically just like, giving a shit about athletes.

Jerry gets fired like 4 days later and tries to salvage all of his clients but only lands Cuba Gooding Jr. who is a so-so football player with a bad attitude but makes Jerry yell SHOW ME THE MONEY and I LOVE BLACK PEOPLE to keep him as a client so I’d say it’s a win.

He makes a really embarrassing scene as he exits the office by stealing a fish and basically begging people to come join this “new” company that he’s going to start. Everyone just kind of sits there and then Renee Zellweger is like ok well I am obsessed with this guy so yeah let’s go for it.

So basically Renee (aka Dorothy) has made a potentially huge mistake as a single mother and definitely becomes aware of this when she asks Jerry if he’ll have a dental plan in the elevator. These deaf people come in and make a bunch of hand gestures that kind of seem like, obscene, maybe? And Jerry is like whoa wonder what they’re signing about and Dorothy is like I actually kind of low-key know sign language and they said “you complete me”.

Anyhoo, Jerry dumps his hot fiancée because she doesn’t really support him having no job basically and she calls him a loser and kicks him in the balls. Jerry gets hammered and goes over to Dorothy’s pad. BRILLIANT!

This is hilarious because Dorothy lives with her totally bitter sister who holds divorced women’s meetings at their house. She puts on the mom-version of a slutty top and is like wow you broke up with your fiancée that is way too bad! Then she says “your memo totally inspired me, Jerry” and then he says “it was a mission statement” and grabs her boob and kisses her. She’s kind of thrilled but plays it off pretty well and then Jerry leaves.

Jerry is trying to land this up and coming football star who’s last name is Cushman. I can’t remember his first name. He goes over to Cushman’s dad’s house and the dad is basically like we’re going to stay with you but I’m not going to sign a contract (?). Jerry is a dipshit and somehow thinks this is good news. He goes to this sports…thing with Cuba Gooding Jr. where they basically schmooze everyone and Cuba Good Jr. is hilarious. Jerry heads over to Cushman’s hotel room where he finds out that they actually signed with the company Jerry got fired from so he just lost his best client (that he never really had if you ask me) and then Jerry is a drunk mess again.

While this is seemingly horrible news, we get to watch Jerry deal with Cuba Gooding Jr. and his pregnant crazy wife which is very fun.

Jerry ends up going on a “date” with Dorothy and they totally bang afterwards. The next morning, Dorothy is telling her Debbie Downer sister how totally in love she is with Jerry at a way-too-high speaking octave and he hears her and she is mortified but he’s nice about it. I think it’s pretty obvious that Jerry doesn’t like Dorothy but literally has nothing going on in his life and he likes her kid because his glasses are huge.

Dorothy pulls a semi dramatic move by taking a job in San Diego and right after they pack everything up Jerry goes “if we got married would you stay?”. GREAT MOVE! Of course Dorothy says yes and they have a pretty shitty (IMO) backyard wedding where you can see Jerry looking miserable the entire time.

Dorothy eventually catches on that her husband doesn’t like her and they split up. Cuba Gooding Jr. gets rocked during an NFL game and basically looks dead. His wife is freaking out and Jerry is freaking out and then CBJ gets up and everyone is like OMG greatest football player ever! So Jerry’s career is back on track at this point, I guess. Everyone is celebrating and there’s dramatic music and Jerry realizes he has no one to hug and celebrate with and so he goes to find Dorothy.

Jerry makes it to Dorothy’s house where the divorced women’s group is in full swing and he gives a not so impressive speech but he does say “you complete me” which is kind of cute because remember, those deaf people did that in the elevator. Then Dorothy says “you had me at hello” and they get back together and seem pretty happy.

5 stars!

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