In Case You Were Wondering

st_kim_kardashian_kris_humphries_wedding_ll_111031_wblog

As you may or may not have noticed, a decent amount of my blog posts either involve poking fun at marriage, or discrediting weddings in some way. As a single person, I want to offer some explanation for this. While it may seem that everything I write comes from a place of bitterness, this couldn’t be farther from true. I have actually never been to a wedding, but I have seen a fair amount of movies with weddings in them, so I pretty much get the picture. Don’t get me wrong, they seem like a blast, but I just don’t personally believe in them.

Here is an organized analysis of why:

Part 1, Facts: As an evolved, educated, modern woman, I view marriage for what it is: a legal agreement. The merging and protection of assets. You know why? Because that’s what the fuck it is. I could get all humorous and be like “it’s betting half your shit you’ll love someone forever!” but prenups kind of eliminate that joke and that’s not even really what I’m trying to say. What I’m saying is, cut and dry, the straight fucking facts, that’s what marriage is. That’s it, and that’s all. I don’t understand why that is romantic, or why it merits fine china. I think it’s cool that you want to like, share your love, but getting the government involved in your love seems super weird to me. If I met someone who was super interested in taking on $50,000 of student loan debt, I’d marry them too. But strictly for that reason. The biggest supporters of gay marriage are divorce lawyers (and me, because I love gay people).

Bitches like attention, that’s another fucking fact, so I can appreciate why you would want to spend a hefty amount on a dress that makes you look fly and literally throw a party about yourself. However, if just the known statistics about the amount of marriages that fail isn’t enough to cause you to cut back on your budget, I don’t know what is. You’re going to force a bunch of people to sit still and stare at you for over an hour reciting vows that you have a less than 50% chance of keeping? Why?

Part 2, Hypocrisy: If you are one of those people who truly feel that your wedding, or your future wedding, or just weddings in general are about love, romance, commitment, and celebrating your deep love for one another, that’s fucking great, it is. I just find it odd that the ceremony has the ability to cause so much stress. I personally feel that if all you really give a shit about is you and your partner’s supreme love, who gives a crap about who sits where, and the venue, and the expenses, and the food, and the flowers, and how this day has to be so effing perfect. That really seems like a great way to lose sight of what you’re claiming the union is about in the first place. I can only speak from a place of the gentle, juvenile love I’ve experienced, but I never cared once about the expectations of other people when I was that smitten. All the material really falls away when you are in love.

I really don’t even want to say this because it’s so inappropriate but I’m already in it, so I’ll just say that EVERYONE knows that religious couples get hitched first because they want to have sex. You’re not fooling anyone, you’re just not.

Part 3, History: Let’s go back…a bunch of years…and think about human beings. So, for a long ass time, women were basically property, right? They couldn’t do shit. And men could do everything. Men owned land, and cattle, and their houses, and their guns, and so on. So one day, men kind of looked around and were like, what else can I own? How about that lady? Yeah, ok, I’ll own that lady. She’ll have my last name so everyone knows I own her.  THAT’S MARRIAGE. Old people stay married because they literally don’t know what the fuck else to do. You know when my grandma was married to my grandpa she couldn’t even open up her own bank account with him approving it? We’ve made enormous steps since then, obviously, but I mean…historically…you are holding on to the weirdest tradition ever. You’re even keeping the white dress!! Do you know what the white dress represents?!

I guess this doesn’t really fall into the historical category but I don’t want to make a fucking science category so I’ll just throw in that there are very few, if any, mammals that mate for life (we are mammals, in case you didn’t know). Penguins and some other birds do it, but it’s not a common behavior amongst most species. I guess because we can walk and talk and invented Google, we created this idea of lifetime love. Every other animal and living creature will just bang and thrive, but we have to make up commitments to feel superior.

Part 4, Opinion:  If you know me at all, you know that I am actually a really kind, sensitive, and sometimes romantic person (sorta). I love love, I do. Do I believe in soulmates? No, I don’t. I used to hate guacamole and now I love it. People change all the time, they grow, they develop, their interests change, it’s totally normal. Why would you expect this one random person to just ride that wave of life with you and never get sick of you or just like, change their mind? I just think no one wants to be alone, myself included. I mean the biggest punishment you can get in prison is to be in solitary. To be by yourself. Pretending that a piece of paper somehow makes you more committed, more in love, and less likely to change or be broken is just not something I believe.

That lead singer from Kiss has happily been with his lady forever, and he calls her his girlfriend. I truly believe that I could be sincerely ok chilling with a guy that makes me happy without creating a show of it, without signing anything.  I believe that a guy is just as likely to dump you if you have sex with him on the first date or the 80th. I know you’re just as vulnerable for divorce as you are after 32 days of marriage or 20 years.

I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t want the guy I love (who doesn’t exist) to kneel in dirt and ask me to hang out forever. But that’s my ego speaking. And my ego doesn’t speak from a place of love.

This post is a huge bummer and I know that, but you get very few changes to thoroughly defend yourself in life, so I just thought I’d take it. Happy honeymoon!

Advertisements

Ugh

Hey+gearboy+_42e4ad4e201003eb961907a061ebc174

I’ve played around with the idea of this blog topic a few times, but until half-heartedly watching the Oscars last night, I couldn’t fully commit. I love pop culture, movies, TV, and basically just being in famous people’s business. However, there are just a few celebs that I literally can’t stand and I’ve decided to share them with you.

Jennifer Aniston: Ok, hate me for this one if you want, I don’t care. Jenn is literally the equivalent of khaki pants to me. You don’t understand why, but they keep showing up so you just accept it. Granted, I have brought in pictures of Jennifer to my hair lady at least 5 times but that doesn’t make her an interesting person. I just feel a very pathetic-holding-on-for-dear-life-please-pay-attention-to-me vibe from her. And I mean change up your style once in a while Anniston, God damn. Really, another tan dress with your fucking boring straight hair? AGAIN? Plus I don’t really like Friends.

Mark Whalberg: HATE. Like seriously, nothing is appealing about this guy. He has such a gross little ferret face and he is EXACTLY THE SAME in every single movie. No way, a Boston accent? Mark, you’re such a talent. Maybe you should play a down-on-his-luck-shy-guy who comes from a poor family but is just too talented to hide in the shadows. OH WAIT, you’ve played that guy in every fucking movie. GO AWAY.

Bono: I know, I KNOW. He’s like, the speaker for Africa or what the fuck ever but he wears sunglasses indoors, and I just can’t get behind that. Not only is his music pretty bland, anyone who decides to drop the faith from their band name to get more cash money is just kind of a douche. I won’t even bring up how he just assumed everyone in the world was dying for a free copy of his newest album. Go back to bike riding Bono, you won’t be missed.

Jessica Biel: She’s married to the man of my dreams. She must be taken down. Plus she’s like, muscular.

Ryan Reynolds: Are you supposed to be funny? Are you supposed to be hot? Why do I care? Waiting is a hilarious movie but everything about you besides your abs is bothersome.

Taylor Swift: White girls unite and send me hate mail, Taylor Swift SUCKS. I have never been a fan of her for so many reasons: 1. I hate country music, 2. I hate whining, 3. I hate her weird curly springy hair, 4. No one cares about growing up on a Christmas tree farm, 5. Keds are ugly, 6. Stop with the cats, 7. She’s one of those people who calls EVERYONE her best friend, 8. Red lipstick- REAL ORIGINAL, 9. Cry baby, 10. Can’t dance. I get that she totally speaks to young awkward girls but this whole good girl act is really obnoxious. Banging every guy in arms distance and then publically bashing them for getting sick of the missionary position does not make you a good role model. Also her music is terrible, just straight up terrible.

The Cast of Glee: You remind me of everyone I went to theater camp with: horrible.

The Art of Patience

giphy

Not too long ago I had an interview for a writing position with a company I really admired. I had all of the qualifications, skills, and education to land the job.  Upon completing my first interview (which I believed I rocked) I followed up with a gracious email. A month later I sent another. Then another. When the time came for my second interview, I got Devil-Wears-Prada annihilated by the CEO. He told me I was far too eager, aggressive, and that I needed to slow down. “What’s the rush?” he asked me. “You’re young and talented. Humble yourself.”

After I shit my pants I left the office and sat in my car, wide eyed and a lot less confident- not just about my writing, but about myself as a human. Why was I being so pushy? Sure I had lost my job a month before and was short on cash; my dysfunctional relationship had floundered about a week after that, leaving me feeling pretty bruised and needy. But this was nothing new.

I do everything fast. I talk fast, I walk fast; I get shit done. Living in a bustling city was the perfect place for me to hit my 20’s. I have a quick, aggressive mouth that can win people over or get me in trouble, depending. But I have never been slow. I have never been mellow. I envy my beautiful friend Julia, whose face never moves while she talks. Her voice barely changes octaves, no matter the scenario. She is a serene, unshakable gazebo of a human that I will just never be.

A good friend and I experienced a classic drunk fight this past weekend. Waking up with a hell of a hangover and anxiety attack that sent my heart racing through my ribs, I proceeded to call him 15 times to make sure he wasn’t mad at me. After 15 ignored calls, I recruited my friends, beside myself, wondering what I had done. Uh, nothing? People don’t want to re-hash everything from the night before at 9 AM. Some people like space. Some people like the quiet peace of being by themselves. Some people sleep. Who knew?

My mom told me once that I remind her of a little kid who gets their first fluffy pet and they are so excited that they squeeze the adorable creature until it dies. Sweet, right? I want to not only hold on to, but control every possible delicious moment of my life. I also want every perfect, rewarding moment to happen right now. I don’t want to wait. I don’t want to wonder.

Every day this week my horoscope has echoed two words: patience, faith. Why is it so hard for me (and maybe you) to trust this place we find ourselves in? To know that we are safe and okay, and that the beautiful art of doing absolutely nothing is sometimes just what we need?

If you’re a psycho like me and you just can’t find that sweet spot of trust, I encourage you to: a. not beat yourself up about it, and b. keep trying. I can’t say for certain if the universe has an ultimate plan for you, but I think it’s safe to say that you just can’t force your life. And I definitely didn’t get that writing job.

Monthly Movie Review: Jerry Maguire

73147bf72126a264e5223d03365ae18f

If you don’t hate Tom Cruise yet you should definitely check this movie out. First of all, it is way better than Top Gun, and guys also don’t mind watching it with you because there are a lot of sports in it.

Tom is a sports agent who wears nice suits and is doing super well in his life. He just got engaged and works in this giant office and blah blah blah things are on the upswing. Renee Zellweger (who actually is semi attractive in this movie) is a kind of frumpy accountant who works in his office and is totally in love with him. She has this really cute kid with giant glasses who is allergic to the pillows on planes.

Tom (who’s name is Jerry in this movie, duh) visits one of his clients after he’s had a concussion and his little kid (who is totally Drake from Drake and Josh!) tells Jerry to fuck off because obviously he’s sick of his dad getting concussions. Jerry goes home and is super upset; he has a mini melt down and writes what he will call a “mission statement” even though it’s like a billion pages long. He then proceeds to go to Kinko’s and print a fucking bound copy for everyone in the office. His sentiment in the “mission statement” is actually really nice, it’s about not being greedy, representing fewer clients for less money, and basically just like, giving a shit about athletes.

Jerry gets fired like 4 days later and tries to salvage all of his clients but only lands Cuba Gooding Jr. who is a so-so football player with a bad attitude but makes Jerry yell SHOW ME THE MONEY and I LOVE BLACK PEOPLE to keep him as a client so I’d say it’s a win.

He makes a really embarrassing scene as he exits the office by stealing a fish and basically begging people to come join this “new” company that he’s going to start. Everyone just kind of sits there and then Renee Zellweger is like ok well I am obsessed with this guy so yeah let’s go for it.

So basically Renee (aka Dorothy) has made a potentially huge mistake as a single mother and definitely becomes aware of this when she asks Jerry if he’ll have a dental plan in the elevator. These deaf people come in and make a bunch of hand gestures that kind of seem like, obscene, maybe? And Jerry is like whoa wonder what they’re signing about and Dorothy is like I actually kind of low-key know sign language and they said “you complete me”.

Anyhoo, Jerry dumps his hot fiancée because she doesn’t really support him having no job basically and she calls him a loser and kicks him in the balls. Jerry gets hammered and goes over to Dorothy’s pad. BRILLIANT!

This is hilarious because Dorothy lives with her totally bitter sister who holds divorced women’s meetings at their house. She puts on the mom-version of a slutty top and is like wow you broke up with your fiancée that is way too bad! Then she says “your memo totally inspired me, Jerry” and then he says “it was a mission statement” and grabs her boob and kisses her. She’s kind of thrilled but plays it off pretty well and then Jerry leaves.

Jerry is trying to land this up and coming football star who’s last name is Cushman. I can’t remember his first name. He goes over to Cushman’s dad’s house and the dad is basically like we’re going to stay with you but I’m not going to sign a contract (?). Jerry is a dipshit and somehow thinks this is good news. He goes to this sports…thing with Cuba Gooding Jr. where they basically schmooze everyone and Cuba Good Jr. is hilarious. Jerry heads over to Cushman’s hotel room where he finds out that they actually signed with the company Jerry got fired from so he just lost his best client (that he never really had if you ask me) and then Jerry is a drunk mess again.

While this is seemingly horrible news, we get to watch Jerry deal with Cuba Gooding Jr. and his pregnant crazy wife which is very fun.

Jerry ends up going on a “date” with Dorothy and they totally bang afterwards. The next morning, Dorothy is telling her Debbie Downer sister how totally in love she is with Jerry at a way-too-high speaking octave and he hears her and she is mortified but he’s nice about it. I think it’s pretty obvious that Jerry doesn’t like Dorothy but literally has nothing going on in his life and he likes her kid because his glasses are huge.

Dorothy pulls a semi dramatic move by taking a job in San Diego and right after they pack everything up Jerry goes “if we got married would you stay?”. GREAT MOVE! Of course Dorothy says yes and they have a pretty shitty (IMO) backyard wedding where you can see Jerry looking miserable the entire time.

Dorothy eventually catches on that her husband doesn’t like her and they split up. Cuba Gooding Jr. gets rocked during an NFL game and basically looks dead. His wife is freaking out and Jerry is freaking out and then CBJ gets up and everyone is like OMG greatest football player ever! So Jerry’s career is back on track at this point, I guess. Everyone is celebrating and there’s dramatic music and Jerry realizes he has no one to hug and celebrate with and so he goes to find Dorothy.

Jerry makes it to Dorothy’s house where the divorced women’s group is in full swing and he gives a not so impressive speech but he does say “you complete me” which is kind of cute because remember, those deaf people did that in the elevator. Then Dorothy says “you had me at hello” and they get back together and seem pretty happy.

5 stars!

Man Hating

enhanced-buzz-1135-1365268480-6

The other day I got called a man hater. It was suggested that just the simple fact of having a blog that lead this person to believe I was a man hater; they then read my blog and confirmed the assumption. I was a bit surprised by this, which isn’t to say I haven’t been called a man hater before- I just didn’t know that was the vibe my writing and personality were giving off so strongly.

Just to be clear, I am not a man hater. I am certainly a Mark Whalberg and broccoli hater, but not men. I often prefer male company because it is so often not filled with competition and cattiness. Some of my best friends are males. My second year of college was spent living with 2 men that I adore like family. I have a really cool brother. I like my dad.

Have most of the men I’ve dated disappointed me? Yeah, but I don’t hate them. As a product of divorced parents I’d like to argue that I’ve managed to maintain a respect for men and relationships without shakiness.

I think that perhaps this idea comes from the fact that I don’t idealize men. I’m only 3 years apart from my brother, so he was basically around my entire life. I know that boys are gross, dirty, and selfish, but I also know that they are sensitive, awkward, and fragile. My brother also knows that girls are not perfect pretty princesses that never poop, but are in fact human beings that are also, gross, dirty, selfish, sensitive, awkward, and fragile. I think people that only have same-sex siblings get confused about these things.

That being said, I do believe that men have a tendency to a bit more self-centered, stupid, and difficult to understand than women.

Genetically speaking, women are prone to be more caring and compassionate because our bodies were designed to make and care for another human. Men have this small window for caring about things that aren’t their own penis, and you gotta grab it quick (the moment, not the penis). My ex (who I don’t hate) came to support me at my first yoga class, but left immediately after because it was a Sunday and football was on. I got a window of sweetness, and I took it graciously.

I’ve actually come to find that girls my age and middle aged women are some of the most annoying people on planet earth. But men of all ages are just stupid. They’re so dumb. This doesn’t mean I hate them. I am getting tired of rolling my eyes all the time though.

I have the personal believe that if you consistently make your female counterpart feel special, she will be happy. I am still uncertain as to how to keep a man on an even level of happy aside from sexual pleasure. And even that isn’t a guarantee.

I’ve never read “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”, but I think the main point is that men and women are different. That’s super. I love men. I love them more when they’re being nice to me, moving my furniture, and giving me presents.

So dear men of the world, thank you for helping me with my car, doing yard work, killing bugs, and giving me piggy-back rides. Thank you also for lying, disappearing, ignoring me during sports, snoring, and forgetting my birthday. You’re the best!