Not too long ago I read a hysterical movie summary about the movie Love, Actually. There’s this flick called Legends of the Fall, which most of you probably haven’t seen, but I’ve had so many conversations about it that I realized I could totally write a summary/review/rant about it like this other girl did. Maybe my calling is actually to be a movie reviewer? Anyway, with any luck this will be sufficient for none of you to even have to watch the movie (even though it’s on Netflix).
The movie starts the way all really meaningful movies do, with a Native American person doing a voice over. Do I remember what he says? No, but once you hear his voice and the intense drum music you’ll be like oh shit this movie is going to be about some deep stuff.
Legends of the Fall focuses on 3 brothers that are super close- the oldest is played by Aidan Quinn and he is just so obviously the oldest because he’s all responsible and has a bunch of long serious pauses. Oh, and gets blamed for everything. Brad Pitt is the middle brother and he’s edgy and rebellious and totally lovable. The youngest brother is that kid who played Elliot in E.T. and basically all I can say about him is that he’s an ugly virgin. They all live in Montana with some Indians and a few white ranchers, and their dad, who’s an ex-colonel, played by Anthony Hopkins. They have this insanely nice ranch and from what I can tell they just chill hard there all the time.
Grown-up Elliot returns home to the ranch (don’t remember where he was) with his fiancee Susanna. I guess the movie wants to present Susanna as a regulation hottie but she has big curly hair and smiles way too much so I wasn’t really feeling it, but again, it is all dudes on this big farm so maybe they’re just pumped to see a chick. Susanna gets out of the carriage and Aidan Quinn is all like boner town, and then Brad Pitt shows up looking all rugged on a horse and you can tell all that’s running through Susanna’s head is: fuck I totally picked the ugly brother.
There’s a few scenes of Susanna riding horses and being all active so we can see how likable she is. Brad Pitt asks E.T.’s best friend if he and Susanna have banged yet and he’s basically like merp uhh urrrgghh she doesn’t want to wait till marriage. AKA Susanna is horny and Elliot is insecure (not surprising).
I’ve never been much of a history buff but apparently there is a war going on. It is very apparent that the Colonel has raised his family in this secluded mellow ranch because he is against the war (and he also says he’s against it like a billion times). But Elliot (who’s name is really Samuel) wants to go fight in whatever war is happening instead of staying at home with his “hot” fiancee who is DTF. Since this family is just hell-bent on ruining their dad’s life all the brothers decide to go to war together to protect Samuel. Susanna is way bummed that her ugly fiance is going to war and probably going to die so she starts crying and Brad Pitt comforts her. Needless to say there is some serious sexual energy happening. Aidan Quinn walks in and totally spoils the moment and Brad Pitt and Susanna look SUPER guilty while A.Q. looks kind of bummed and like “always a bridesmaid never a bride” you know?
So the brothers head off to war and Susanna is stuck on this farm with a grouchy Colonel and some other farm hands to like, I don’t know, wait it out?
Long story short, Samuel dies in the war and Brad Pitt cuts Samuel’s heart out and rubs his blood all over his face because he hangs out with Indians and I guess they do that. He is obviously very upset about the whole thing, so upset, in fact, that he decides to bang Susanna before they’re even done burying Samuel.
Susanna is pretty happy because she obviously wanted to marry Brad Pitt from the beginning but he’s kind of fucked up now. Like he goes off for hours doing weird shit and almost kind of stabs Susanna in the middle of the night. There is a classic scene where Susanna is talking about what they should name their future kids and Brad’s just like uh what were you saying and she’s just like nevermind. We’ve all been there.
Brad Pitt can’t seem to get over Samuel being dead and he feels responsible for it so he goes on this journey (of self discovery?) and Susanna is like when are you coming back and he’s basically like not sure bitch and keeps packing his shit. Then she’s like if I was pregnant would you stay? And he’s like nah. Even the old pregnancy trick won’t work on this guy!!!
Susanna STILL STAYS AT THIS FUCKING FARM and waits for him. I think at this point Aidan Quinn has left to go to the city to get involved with politics because he is not so emotionally unstable.
So get this, Brad is gone for 7 years at sea doing all kinds of weird shit, and sends Susanna this letter that says “All we had is dead. As I am dead. Marry another” !!!!! But for some reason she hangs around the fucking ranch until Aidan Quinn comes back to visit and in a not very surprising turn of events, marries Susanna. At some point the Colonel has a stroke too, and he can’t even talk and writes answers on this little chalkboard and it is just all kinds of depressing.
Brad Pitt finally comes home and is like uh where’s Susanna it’s only been 7 years? The ranch people tell Brad she lives in the city with the last sane/alive brother left and Brad’s like oh well good for her and then marries the half-breed daughter of this couple that lived on the ranch (their words, not mine).
While this is a little bizarre, it’s really nice to see Brad happy again without blood all over his face. He and his new chick have some kids and things are kind of looking up again. Brad takes his happy little family to the city to see Aidan Quinn, who is like a congress man now, and Susanna sees Brad with his lady and kids and needless to say she’s pretty upset.
Brad gets into bootlegging to supplement his income and he gets pulled over by these cops and they fire some warning shots into the rocks but somehow a bullet hits Brad’s wife and she dies so of course Brad beats up the officers and gets thrown in jail. Susanna comes to see him because she just LOVES to stir shit up and tells Brad she loves him and that she wished his wife was dead so she feels responsible. Yeah Susanna you totally have that kind of power. Then she goes home and kills herself. I think I speak for everyone when I say ABOUT TIME.
Brad Pitt finally heads home and the family comes together by killing the shady cop guys when they show up to the ranch. Even the congress man gets a shot in. That’s how you bond in the mountains! Anthony Hopkins manages a double kill even with a stroke and whips out a giant rifle from underneath his kick ass bear coat. Everyone kind of reconciles after that and the Indian guy sings some Indian songs and fake-scalps the dead dudes. Standard.
Despite his issues, Brad outlasts everyone in the movie and lives to be an old man. The movie ends with him getting mauled by a bear.
THE END. Feel free to check out Legends of the Fall on Netflix or maybe even read the book so you can get smarter.