Sexy Time

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I know I need to chill with all of the gender shit, but since the classic “Sexiest Man Alive Issue” reared its sexy head this week, I felt like a large anger balloon stuffed with issues that someone finally stuck a needle in. This “sexiest man alive”/”hottest woman in the world” nonsense has actually bothered me for years. I’m sure it’s not what you think though. Or maybe it is. I don’t know.

Once Matt Damon, I repeat Matt fucking Damon made the cover one year, (I wanna say 2007?) I realized this shit had to be a joke. Not only because Matt Damon is not even remotely attractive, but like what the hell, Maxim gets barely legal Victoria’s Secret models and we get dads?! I swear to god if you can get your hands on this issue there is a whole section about him being a “Family Man”. Ooo, how sexual!

And who do we get this year? Chris “Thor” Helmsworth. This guy is hot, I’m not denying that, but you know what else he is? Married with kids. I’m asleep. Oh Matthew McConaughey’s on the cover?! (Also, not hot) How long has he been married? To the same person, no less!

I did a little bit of research and nearly every cover is graced by a long-time married guy with kids!!! This is bogus! Sure George Clooney was on there a few times but we all know how that shit turned out. Whatever semi-hot guy that knocked up a much hotter girl and puts a ring on it is going to be on their next cover MARK MY WORDS (Ashton Kutcher? Ryan Gosling?).

That past 4 issues (at least) of Maxim’s Hot 100 had a #1 lady that was single single single young young YOUNG. Miley Cyrus got it last year…I’m not really sure how that happened but like, is she even older than me?

Does this bother anyone else? Look, I don’t know who People magazine’s prime demographic is, but is this really fair? All of us horny ladies have to sit around and look through pictures of a guy prancing around with his kids and read articles about how much he loves his wife. The caption should just say “you will never get this you will never get this”. Obviously all of the dudes that are looking through Maxim don’t really think they can get with Bar Rafaeli (God, I hope not anyway) but these women are much more clearly advertised as being available. They always blow up the quotes that are like “I’m single right now, just haven’t met the right guy!” translation: Fellas! You have a chance!!

What kind of precedence does this set for both of our genders? It’s ok for men to pine after young, single, barely clothed women AND that these are the hottest kinds of women? And on the opposite side of the spectrum: it’s only ok for women to gawk at middle aged dudes with less attractive wives and a pack of kids?

Look at how these magazines are presented, too. I mean Maxim kind of looks like it could potentially have porn in it. The women have heavilyy made-up sexy eyes, barely any clothes on, and they’re usually bending over or pushing something out. Our lame ass People covers have the dude in a grey Gap tee smiling some goober smile. AND IT’S JUST A PICTURE OF HIS FACE. Ryan Reynolds probably showed off his abs his year but um, hi, butter face we don’t even care. The Sexiest Man Alive is right up next to the Target cash register like a pack of gum. The Maxim hot chick issues are hidden away in the darkness, silently whispering read me, pervert!

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. Maybe, just maybe, guys can browse through a magazine of women their own god damn age with a nice sweater on while they push a stupid stroller around. Maybe myself and the rest of the single lady community would actually like some shirt-less pant-less action from a real, single actor!!!!

So thanks a lot, printed media, for reminding us, again, of how much it sucks to be a female, and that all we really want from life is to reproduce and look at men from the neck up.

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