LBGs

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I think it’s safe to say that most people have a “type”. I, personally, prefer dark hair, dark eyes, olive skin, and a height somewhere between 5’6” and 5’9”. Mock if you will, but short men are a wonderful, untouched treasure chest of greatness that so many women just pass by. But that’s for another blog. Today, I’d like to talk about the power of another small creature- the little blonde girl.

Better known as the LBG, little blonde girls are exactly what they sound like: petite, yellow haired, cutesy little things, typically maxing out at 5’5”. I am not-so-secretly a natural brunette, but have been rocking blonde hair for like 6 years and say dumb shit all the time so I have earned my blonde credentials. Stacking up at a speck over 5 feet tall and 108 pounds, I have made the LBG club.

What is very interesting about LBGs is that they all know each other. They probably were in a sorority together, on a cheer squad at one point, or just bonded in a bar bathroom when they swapped ultra thin super light tampons. I myself, usually have at least one LBG nearby for special occasions. Back to “types”: you know how they say “once a cheater, always a cheater”? I don’t believe this to be true, but I do believe in: “once an LBG lover, always an LBG lover”. Seriously, little ones, if you ever have a desire to browse through your ex’s dating history, you will most likely find a small crumb trail of teeny little blondes, paving the way for you.

WHY is the LBG so popular? What do we have that normal sized, brown haired girls don’t?

I think it’s safe to say that the world, for a long time, has glorified some ridiculous standards of beauty. Whether it’s the ethnic impossible ridiculousness of Kim K, or the leggy model-esque Brazilian alien known as Giselle, these women are flawless- put up on a pedestal of gorgeous that the rest of us peasants can only gaze at and sigh. The LBG is not this woman. We represent the struggles of many- climbing on shelves to reach things we desperately need, constantly getting our IDs triple checked, shit like that.

We rock sassy haircuts, showing the everyday woman that long, luscious locks aren’t the only way to feel feminine. We can’t buy the latest in fashion trends (have you ever seen a 5’2” girl in a printed kimono? It ain’t cute) and we have to buy most of our shoes online. LBGs are relatable, approachable, and honestly, you just want to squeeze them. You look at an LBG and you kind of want to hate her, but then you think…she would fit in nicely with my diverse girl group posse.

If you’ve never dated an LBG- be careful. Just like black dudes, once you go LBG you can’t go back. Unfortunately, every girl you date after an LBG will just feel burly. Little blonde girls are like Halloween candy. You weren’t really expecting something so small, but you are actually quite pleased with how happy and full you feel once you’ve experienced one. Suddenly, normal sized candy bars seem overwhelming.

We make men feel like men. You will always be taller than us, you’ll always be able to pick us up with ease, and spooning will become your favorite past time. An LBG comfortably and conveniently fits into any nook.

Are there days where we LBGs look at C-cup bras and wonder? Of course. Do we get sick of cuffing our pants? YES.

It’s not that tall, buxom brunettes aren’t pretty- they are! I love my taller, darker haired counter parts. There is just a special section of men out there that want LBGs. Can you blame them?

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Sexy Time

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I know I need to chill with all of the gender shit, but since the classic “Sexiest Man Alive Issue” reared its sexy head this week, I felt like a large anger balloon stuffed with issues that someone finally stuck a needle in. This “sexiest man alive”/”hottest woman in the world” nonsense has actually bothered me for years. I’m sure it’s not what you think though. Or maybe it is. I don’t know.

Once Matt Damon, I repeat Matt fucking Damon made the cover one year, (I wanna say 2007?) I realized this shit had to be a joke. Not only because Matt Damon is not even remotely attractive, but like what the hell, Maxim gets barely legal Victoria’s Secret models and we get dads?! I swear to god if you can get your hands on this issue there is a whole section about him being a “Family Man”. Ooo, how sexual!

And who do we get this year? Chris “Thor” Helmsworth. This guy is hot, I’m not denying that, but you know what else he is? Married with kids. I’m asleep. Oh Matthew McConaughey’s on the cover?! (Also, not hot) How long has he been married? To the same person, no less!

I did a little bit of research and nearly every cover is graced by a long-time married guy with kids!!! This is bogus! Sure George Clooney was on there a few times but we all know how that shit turned out. Whatever semi-hot guy that knocked up a much hotter girl and puts a ring on it is going to be on their next cover MARK MY WORDS (Ashton Kutcher? Ryan Gosling?).

That past 4 issues (at least) of Maxim’s Hot 100 had a #1 lady that was single single single young young YOUNG. Miley Cyrus got it last year…I’m not really sure how that happened but like, is she even older than me?

Does this bother anyone else? Look, I don’t know who People magazine’s prime demographic is, but is this really fair? All of us horny ladies have to sit around and look through pictures of a guy prancing around with his kids and read articles about how much he loves his wife. The caption should just say “you will never get this you will never get this”. Obviously all of the dudes that are looking through Maxim don’t really think they can get with Bar Rafaeli (God, I hope not anyway) but these women are much more clearly advertised as being available. They always blow up the quotes that are like “I’m single right now, just haven’t met the right guy!” translation: Fellas! You have a chance!!

What kind of precedence does this set for both of our genders? It’s ok for men to pine after young, single, barely clothed women AND that these are the hottest kinds of women? And on the opposite side of the spectrum: it’s only ok for women to gawk at middle aged dudes with less attractive wives and a pack of kids?

Look at how these magazines are presented, too. I mean Maxim kind of looks like it could potentially have porn in it. The women have heavilyy made-up sexy eyes, barely any clothes on, and they’re usually bending over or pushing something out. Our lame ass People covers have the dude in a grey Gap tee smiling some goober smile. AND IT’S JUST A PICTURE OF HIS FACE. Ryan Reynolds probably showed off his abs his year but um, hi, butter face we don’t even care. The Sexiest Man Alive is right up next to the Target cash register like a pack of gum. The Maxim hot chick issues are hidden away in the darkness, silently whispering read me, pervert!

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. Maybe, just maybe, guys can browse through a magazine of women their own god damn age with a nice sweater on while they push a stupid stroller around. Maybe myself and the rest of the single lady community would actually like some shirt-less pant-less action from a real, single actor!!!!

So thanks a lot, printed media, for reminding us, again, of how much it sucks to be a female, and that all we really want from life is to reproduce and look at men from the neck up.

I Can’t Even

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I am well aware that I haven’t been posting a) as many blogs as I used to and b) blogs that are as bitchy and cut-throat as when I began. There are a couple reasons for this but as much as I like to put my rants out into the world there are also some things that I’ve learned (the hard way) to keep to myself.

I was waiting at line in Jamba Juice today thinking what the fuck could I possibly write about today and was basically coming up short until the cashier called me hon. I have very few female friends in my life and I kind of don’t like women in general, especially when they say things like “hon, babe, sweetie” and we don’t even know each other. Below you will find a list of things that girls do that I think are annoying. Enjoy.

Make-out pics with the BF. I just don’t even understand how you prep for these. “Ok let’s kiss and take a picture!” “Let’s ask that Asian family to take a picture of us embracing!” I don’t understand. I think they’re awkward to look at and there’s really nothing wrong with just, you know, smiling. Most of us get really bored scrolling through 80 profile pictures of you and your 6.5/10 dude so please don’t be foolish enough to think that putting your lips together will somehow entertain us.

Matching outfits. Twin day was fun in like, 4th grade, but stop. I know every girl that’s ever gone to Stagecoach is like what the fuck our matching tanks that say “whiskey makes me frisky” are so cute! But you know what, no, they’re not.

Trying to look messy. Take it from a girl who is straight up slob and wrote a 700 word blog on how to wear yoga pants, I CAN TELL that your “messy bun” took 80 tries. And hello if you have winged eyeliner on under your glasses you were really working hard at that “effortlessly chic” look. Stop confusing men into thinking we look good without trying, you’re really making everyone look bad.

Lecturing me about fake tanning. Last time I checked I don’t look like Snooki and showing my vag to every 16 year old at Hollywood Tans for a spray tan isn’t my favorite past time. It is a FACT that everyone looks better tan, and I have absolutely no qualms with keeping my summer glow year round. You sound like a complete dipshit when you tell me how “unhealthy” my tanning bed habits are while you deep throat Del Taco and spend the entire night binge drinking Jamo. Thanks for the tip, as always though.

Saying you don’t diet. This is way more of a celebrity issue than a basic girl issue but STOP. I am 5 feet even and barely weight a buck-ten and even I have to diet and exercise. I have skinny genetics sure but get real, people. Bitches who say that are literally just trying to hurt your feelings. “I never work out, I just love to eat giant chocolate chip cookies and you know, stay active!” Oh my godddddd.

Alright, I’m drained. See you in a few weeks maybe.