Something you may or may not know about me is that I love Disney. Not in the weird way that Holly Madison does where she like, names her daughter fucking Rainbow Aurora and dresses up like a Disney princess, but in the normal way where I listen to Disney Pandora sometimes and enjoy a solid trip to the Happiest Place on Earth. Who doesn’t?
As an avid writer, I like to read other poorly constructed articles in typical Buzzfeed-esque list style, just so I know what other bitches are into. I’ve noticed that relating regular life to Disney movies is kind of popular, so I figured…yeah I’ll do that too. I’m not including some of my Pixar faves because I was a straight up teen when they came out. Here are a few ways some of my original favorite Disney movies set positive and negative outlooks for my life:
Beauty and the Beast
What I thought initially: Being smart gets you places. Argue with me if you want, but Belle is the best Disney princess. She doesn’t go for Gaston even though she’s a social outcast and it could up her game, she reads all the time, and she’s nice to furniture. I guess I always related to Belle because I’m a natural brunette and well… I don’t really have friends. Anyway, Belle ends up being a fab princess with a kick ass library and a hot prince so, she wins.
What I know now: Now that I am a 24 year old woman I see that Beauty and the Beast led me to believe that if you are nice to a man and accept him for all of his ugly shortcomings, he will somehow transform into a good guy. This is 100000% false.
The Little Mermaid
What I thought initially: Everyone wants to be a mermaid and gingers are cute sometimes (this is still true).
What I know now: Where do I begin? Dad issues, changing yourself for a man, and competitive, catty women taking your dude just because they can? Oh an apparently you can get a guy to fall in love with you using strictly “body language”. Too much.
What I thought initially: The moral of this story is…I don’t’ know, but part of it is that your 3 wishes are usually stupid and you should just learn to love yourself. I learned that being pretty is a STRUGGLE. You’re going to get stuck in a mansion and get pressured into shit you just don’t want to do. Pet tigers are also totally normal to have as a pet.
What I know now: This movie encourages forgiving liars too easily. Aladdin is a shady, lying, stealing dude. He’s hot, sure, but again, this goes back to all those women saying “at least he was honest!” BIG FUCKING DEAL. Also, belly shirts are kind of cute if you have nice abs.
What I thought initially: I mean, everyone wants to go to Neverland and hang out with fairies and pirates and have no responsibility, right?
What I know now: “Peter Pan syndrome” is real and most guys have it. This is not a good thing.
What I thought initially: I LOVE ANIMALS
What I know now: There is a lot of symbolism regarding life and death, and we basically learned the best way to go through life is to be all, “Hakuna Matata!”- AKA shit happens. I also think that if a real alpha lion ditched his pride like Simba did the women would be like ‘whatever we do all the hunting anyway fuck this shit’ and kill Scar themselves. I’m pretty sure.
What I thought initially: Native Americans are completely magical, mystical people who like white people, and trees can give you advice.
What I know now: While Pocahontas is kind of athletic and edgy with her tattoo and makes tomboy girls feel good about themselves, this film is a completely incorrect depiction of Native Americans. This movie pushes the white agenda and in the real story, John Smith gets Pocahontas to ditch her tribe and move to America then dies of smallpox in like a day- so per usual, guys suck, especially white ones.
Fox and the Hound
What I thought initially: Your friends are the most important thing!! And foxes are cute.
What I know now: Dogs and foxes aren’t friends in real life and people who like hunting suck.
Hunchback of Notre Dame
What I thought initially: Don’t be mean to deformed people and gypsies are hot!
What I know now: Perverts really do work in churches, the pretty girl will not go for the ugly dude, no matter how nice he is, and gypsies in real life are not hot. Also this movie is just really fucked up and weird.
Alice in Wonderland
Nothing. I learned absolutely nothing from this movie.
See you at the Disney Christmas parade!