Family Values

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Ever since I’ve started this blog (and way before I started, too), I get a lot of questions and comments about my writing interests, if I want to be a comedian, or where I’m going with all this stuff, etc. Mostly though, I get asked: where did all of this come from?  I’d like to take all the credit and just say how totally unique and hilarious I am, but as with every issue in life, I have to blame dear old mom and dad.

The first thing people usually say after meeting my parents is something along the lines of: “oh my god they’re soooo young”. By normal parent standards, they aren’t really that young, it’s not like a “16 and Pregnant” situation, but TBH they have both managed to stay in pretty good shape and not succumb to hideous asexual haircuts or shirts with spirit animals on them. Pair this with their prime genetics and I feel pretty certain that I will age like a fine wine, only getting hotter and more delightful with the passing years. Thanks Pete and Dina!

I bring this up because my personality is one that is loud, intense, controlling, and often vulgar…you know, you’ve read this shit. This can sometimes garner thoughts from the outside that my parents were perhaps absentee or flighty- that my personality is somehow a cry for attention (it is). Or maybe that I grew up in a house similar to the Osborne’s, where cursing and bad behavior is not only entertaining, but encouraged.

I am here to say that my fountain-of-youth parents are so far from that. But how did these two totally together people create such a beast? Honesty. Despite being on the younger side (my mom had me at 25, my dad: 29), my parents managed to raise a pretty decent human being, which was built, I believe, on the foundation of honesty.

Being born in the 60’s, my parents were surrounded by lies. When my mother was a young girl she found her first tampon in my grandma’s bag. When she questioned what it was my grandma quickly snatched it away and said “that’s for your father!” (Well done, Bette).  My dad was the middle child of three boys who learned all of their life lessons by getting smacked around with a belt on the regular.

I think when my parents discovered that it was their turn to bring a new human into the world, they wanted to try a different approach.

I seriously remember having at least three sex talks from my parents even though they implemented sex ed at my public school in 6th AND 8th grade. “Sex is fun!” “Sex feels good!”  “Embrace your body!” Got it Mom, thanks.

My brother and I quickly became the “why” children. We could ask any question under the sun and always get an answer.

“Why can’t we trick or treat at that house?”

“Because they’re on crack.”

“Why can’t we eat Wonder Bread?”

“It’s full of fake dyes and chemicals that make you fat.”

“You guys fight a lot, why don’t you just get a divorce?”

“Divorce is expensive.”

Nothing was ever said with judgment or ill will, it was just the facts.  My parents didn’t go out of their way to shield us from basic information.

I am a product of the 90’s, which means Titanic ruled a good portion of my early life. I was 7 when the Blockbuster hit came out, and my mom and dad eagerly bought the VHS two pack as soon as it was available. Like everyone on planet earth, I loved (and still love) the movie. I wanted to watch it all the time. There was this one part, however, that my parents would always fast forward through! I would sit on the couch, squinting, trying to figure out what the hell was going on and why they wouldn’t just let me watch it.

One day on the playground I finally sacked up and asked my friends if they knew what was happening.

“Hey do your parents ever fast forward through this one part of Titanic?”

“YES! I heard the girl takes her clothes off and Leo draws her naked!!!!”

“What? No. Not that part. I’ve seen that already.”

“YOU’VE SEEN THE NAKED PART?!”

I was getting nowhere with this crowd.

I finally watched the second VHS for myself while my parents weren’t home. I had to solve this. All these years I’d missed the scene where Lovejoy shoots the Irish guy and Fabrizio is all like “bastardo!” and then Lovejoy shoots himself. Do you know what I’m talking about?

My mom came home and I asked her why she had hidden this scene from my brother and me for all this time.

“What do you mean?” She said.

“Well, all the other kids at school who eat Wonder Bread said their parents fast forward through the naked part.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know.”

“I don’t have a problem with sex,” my mom shrugged. “I don’t like violence though.”

She walked away , leaving me feeling pretty satisfied with her answer, like always (notice here that I did not receive any punishment for watching this part of the film without supervision).

It went on like that for years, obviously a little easier with my mom when it came to female knowledge, but I would always get strange looks from my friends at parties when I’d call my parents and tell them I was too drunk to come home- giving them the exact location of where I was and what I was doing so I could get picked up. You actually told them where you where?

It’s not like they were telling me the Easter Bunny didn’t exist (though I’m sure they would have if I’d asked), they were just treating me like a human. My parents never talked down to me, never dismissed me, never took the shame of my poor choices as a reflection on themselves.  I’ve seen them as functioning party hosts, soccer coaches, PTA parents. I’ve also seen them drunk, crying, and even afraid. I’ve seen their hearts filled with pride and I’ve seen sheer disappointment. They always told me why. They never looked the other way.

As I grow into a woman, this brave woman with thoughts, opinions, and a little too much sass, I know it came from them. All of those eye rolls across the dinner table because I said penis too loud in front of my grandparents have made me exactly who I am right now.

Even though we’re not the picture perfect idea of what a family should be, I’d like to think we’re better than the Titanic- we’re unsinkable.

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Sexism!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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I was listening to “Jealous” by Nick Jonas on repeat and work and I decided to inform my co-worker over Skype that: “I am jamming so hard to this Nick Jonas song right now!” His response: “Didn’t know you liked Disney music!”

I literally almost forgot that the Jo Bros were Disney stars because, A. They were a little after my Disney channel watching phase, and B. Nobody has been hating on them.

I find it really interesting that Nick Jonas was able to remove his purity ring, show his ass, and sing all these sexy songs without so much as a peep. Ok there were definitely some peeps but they sure as shit weren’t negative. No one is running around abandoning their Jonas Brother tees and crying about how he basically disowned his pure little Christian boy ways. I mean…he’s definitely getting down with that smoking hot girlfriend of his, and now we all of a sudden don’t give a fuck that he made the biggest hoopla about his respectable, sexless lifestyle not even THAT long ago. All we care about are THOSE ABS WOWWWWW CAN I LICK THEM?!

You know Taylor Swift is just crying herself to sleep because she never got a shot at that Jo Bro dick.

Let’s rewind to the classic MTV Video awards or whatever the fuck they’re called a year ago when Miley twerked her little flat ass all over that wannabe Justin Timberlake’s crotch. Everyone like, hated her. Granted, she looked like a total moron but there were way more comments about how slutty she is and how she completely destroyed her Disney channel image. Why wouldn’t you want to be known as Hannah Montana or Billy Ray Cyrus’ daughter for the rest of your life?

I’m pretty sure we all remember Vanessa Hudgens’ unimpressive nude pics that got her a ton of Disney hate. Show your nipples one time and you get the anti-Disney stamp for life.

I’m not going to claim that I don’t like checking out Nick Jonas’ pecs or that I don’t think Miley is a shit show, but this is kind of unfair. Sexism is totally trending right now and I have to say that Hermione Granger totally knocked it out of the park when she said that chicks and dudes need to be treated EQUALLY, and embraced all the way around. So basically we all need to lay off the Disney chicks or we gotta start calling Nick Jonas a big…strong…muscular…whore!

I personally have never called myself a feminist because I kind of not-so-secretly think that women should be treated better than men, as opposed to just the same, but hey that’s just me.

This topic is nothing new, and probably not very interesting to any of you, but it was just something I noticed and felt like sharing. Basically, if Miley Cyrus is a skank for sticking her tongue out and bouncing her ass, isn’t N. Jonas just as much of one for suddenly realizing he had hormones and basically saying “peace out Jesus I’m ready to bang”?

I mean really if any little Disney girls were bending over with their asses out moms all over the world would be falling to pieces. Kind of fucked up, right?

Princess Mentality

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Something you may or may not know about me is that I love Disney. Not in the weird way that Holly Madison does where she like, names her daughter fucking Rainbow Aurora and dresses up like a Disney princess, but in the normal way where I listen to Disney Pandora sometimes and enjoy a solid trip to the Happiest Place on Earth. Who doesn’t?

As an avid writer, I like to read other poorly constructed articles in typical Buzzfeed-esque list style, just so I know what other bitches are into. I’ve noticed that relating regular life to Disney movies is kind of popular, so I figured…yeah I’ll do that too. I’m not including some of my Pixar faves because I was a straight up teen when they came out. Here are a few ways some of my original favorite Disney movies set positive and negative outlooks for my life:

Beauty and the Beast

What I thought initially: Being smart gets you places. Argue with me if you want, but Belle is the best Disney princess. She doesn’t go for Gaston even though she’s a social outcast and it could up her game, she reads all the time, and she’s nice to furniture. I guess I always related to Belle because I’m a natural brunette and well… I don’t really have friends. Anyway, Belle ends up being a fab princess with a kick ass library and a hot prince so, she wins.

What I know now: Now that I am a 24 year old woman I see that Beauty and the Beast led me to believe that if you are nice to a man and accept him for all of his ugly shortcomings, he will somehow transform into a good guy. This is 100000% false.

The Little Mermaid

What I thought initially: Everyone wants to be a mermaid and gingers are cute sometimes (this is still true).

What I know now: Where do I begin? Dad issues, changing yourself for a man, and competitive, catty women taking your dude just because they can?  Oh an apparently you can get a guy to fall in love with you using  strictly “body language”. Too much.

Aladdin

What I thought initially: The moral of this story is…I don’t’ know, but part of it is that your 3 wishes are usually stupid and you should just learn to love yourself.  I learned that being pretty is a STRUGGLE. You’re going to get stuck in a mansion and get pressured into shit you just don’t want to do. Pet tigers are also totally normal to have as a pet.

What I know now: This movie encourages forgiving liars too easily. Aladdin is a shady, lying, stealing dude. He’s hot, sure, but again, this goes back to all those women saying “at least he was honest!” BIG FUCKING DEAL. Also, belly shirts are kind of cute if you have nice abs.

 

Peter Pan

What I thought initially: I mean, everyone wants to go to Neverland and hang out with fairies and pirates and have no responsibility, right?

What I know now: “Peter Pan syndrome” is real and most guys have it. This is not a good thing.

Lion King

What I thought initially: I LOVE ANIMALS

What I know now: There is a lot of symbolism regarding life and death, and we basically learned the best way to go through life is to be all, “Hakuna Matata!”- AKA shit happens. I also think that if a real alpha lion ditched his pride like Simba did the women would be like ‘whatever we do all the hunting anyway fuck this shit’ and kill Scar themselves. I’m pretty sure.

Pocahontas

What I thought initially: Native Americans are completely magical, mystical people who like white people, and trees can give you advice.

What I know now: While Pocahontas is kind of athletic and edgy with her tattoo and makes tomboy girls feel good about themselves, this film is a completely incorrect depiction of Native Americans. This movie pushes the white agenda and in the real story, John Smith gets Pocahontas to ditch her tribe and move to America then dies of smallpox in like a day- so per usual, guys suck, especially white ones.

Fox and the Hound

What I thought initially: Your friends are the most important thing!! And foxes are cute.

What I know now: Dogs and foxes aren’t friends in real life and people who like hunting suck.

Hunchback of Notre Dame

What I thought initially: Don’t be mean to deformed people and gypsies are hot!

What I know now: Perverts really do work in churches, the pretty girl will not go for the ugly dude, no matter how nice he is, and gypsies in real life are not hot. Also this movie is just really fucked up and weird.

Alice in Wonderland

Nothing. I learned absolutely nothing from this movie.

See you at the Disney Christmas parade!