Deja Vu

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Being single (AKA not engaged) in my 20’s gives me lots of time to do all the things I want, like write, drink, watch Bravo, and occasionally date. Even though I love free food, I have to be honest when I say I really don’t enjoy dating. I always feel like I have to present myself in this weird nice way and say things like “I love kids!” or “golf is such an interesting sport!” This could potentially explain why I typically get the fade out after about three months. My actual personality begins to “shine” through and guys start running for the hills.

Any woman in a successful relationship, or just any woman who thinks she’s better than you will say how dating is so important because it will help you figure out what you don’t want. And to that I say, whatever.

I would never claim that life experiences don’t teach you anything, but I will say that it is often a struggle to find out what I’m learning. One definite thing I have gained is that I have this uncanny skill to date the same guy over and over. And over.

Here are the common qualities of the unlucky men who have crossed my path:

Driven. This is obviously not a bad thing. I have never dated a guy who was lazy, or jobless, or didn’t have direction. In fact, the guys I’ve dated have been so dead set on one career it’s hard to get them to talk about anything else.

Workaholics. I used to think that this was just common for guys in my age bracket, but then I discovered that other girls have boyfriends who actually like hanging out with them. All the guys I date are not just driven, but OBSESSED with working. They’re all the type of dudes who feel the need to “stay late” or “work overtime”. They always have their phone out during dinner, they feel weird without their Macbooks, and they frequently break off from society because “work is just really stressful right now!!!!!”

Boring. Sorry to any of my exes that are reading this (I’m assuming none), but one thing you all have in common is that you bore me. I have no one to blame but myself, really, because I’m just not drawn to bad boys. If I date one more accounting major with five of the same polo shirts and an interest in craft beer I swear I’m just going to jump off a cliff.

Gay-ish. Again, this is my fault because I am a total fruit fly and I just love clean looking guys. I continue to date dudes that look like they could swing either way and are way more polished than me. The problem with this one: so far, every guy I’ve dated takes longer to get ready than me.

Great hair. This one probably goes hand in hand with the one above it.

Distracted. I don’t know how else to describe a guy who ignores you frequently, interrupts you mid-sentence, or just straight up forgets they have a date with you. Awesome.

Momma’s Boys. This one kills me. I don’t know WHY I have drawn so many mother-dependent men into my life, especially because not one bit of me is maternal. YOUR MOM DOESN’T KNOW EVERYTHING YOU CHUMP CUT THE CORD ALREADY.

Uncertain. Another one I’d love to blame on my age group but the amount of engagement rings that have been thrown around this year lead me to believe otherwise. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have commitment issues myself, but I mean COME ON. It’s almost laughable at this point how often I’ve heard that “I just don’t want to call you my girlfriend right now” or “I’m not really sure what I want!” It’s always presented in such a “poor me” way too. Like oh life, you are so tough on me, how could you possibly throw a girl who wants to be with me and support me into the mix?! It’s just too much!! You’re all COWARDS. Thanks for lighting up my life.

Ass men. Haha duh. I just felt like I had to throw this in to soften the mood.

So what’s the solution? Hole up in my room, drink white wine and complain? Way ahead of you.

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