Resting Bitch Face (Bitch Tactics Vol IV)

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One thing bitches all have in common is a bitchy face. There are a multitude of things you can do to make your face look bitchier. I’d say about 90% of them are plastic surgery related, but a strong eyebrow arch can go a long way.

One bitchy quality that I have been genetically blessed with is commonly known as “Resting Bitch Face”. This basically means that my normal, resting face looks bitchy. You know, the way cats look at you when you wake them up. I don’t know why I just explained it.

I want to say my Resting Bitch Face really came into effect in high school. My cheer coach would yell “KALEY, SMILE!” like a thousand times during practice, and random girls I’d never met would often lose their shit wondering why I “gave them dirty looks all the time.”

Obviously I was concentrating way too hard on my epic cheer moves to work on my face too (aka, “facials” for you cheerleaders of the world). It was so hard to stare at these upset stranger girls for an extra five minutes (no doubt with a pissed off look on my face) trying to figure out if I actually knew who they were and then try to explain that I wasn’t giving them dirty looks intentionally.

It took a few more years for my father (who has Resting Bitch Face- the man version) to inform me that I just look really pissed all the time. Granted, I am pretty pissed a good amount of the time, but I wasn’t aware that my face was showcasing it. It gets even worse when I start thinking or reading because I’ll start to frown, making me look twice as mean.

People who I’ve worked with for two years still asking me if “something is wrong” or why I’m so “serious”. Oh my God, no, I’m just sitting here. It’s super annoying. I mean, who walks around smiling all the time?

RBF has its perks- it deters gossipy, annoying girls from sharing information with me and tools from trying to talk to me at bars. But it also kind of sucks because most people are sensitive and they just think you’re hateful, or better yet, bored.

My boss always asks me if I’m bored during meetings. I mean, I totally am, but I’m not trying to look that way. When I actually INTEND on a bitch face, it’s no joke. I’ve made people cry with it.

Just to clear anything up in the future: that’s just how my face looks, I’m not mad at you, I probably didn’t notice you, and nothing is wrong.

Just one more reason for the Kardashians to consider adopting me!

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Deja Vu

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Being single (AKA not engaged) in my 20’s gives me lots of time to do all the things I want, like write, drink, watch Bravo, and occasionally date. Even though I love free food, I have to be honest when I say I really don’t enjoy dating. I always feel like I have to present myself in this weird nice way and say things like “I love kids!” or “golf is such an interesting sport!” This could potentially explain why I typically get the fade out after about three months. My actual personality begins to “shine” through and guys start running for the hills.

Any woman in a successful relationship, or just any woman who thinks she’s better than you will say how dating is so important because it will help you figure out what you don’t want. And to that I say, whatever.

I would never claim that life experiences don’t teach you anything, but I will say that it is often a struggle to find out what I’m learning. One definite thing I have gained is that I have this uncanny skill to date the same guy over and over. And over.

Here are the common qualities of the unlucky men who have crossed my path:

Driven. This is obviously not a bad thing. I have never dated a guy who was lazy, or jobless, or didn’t have direction. In fact, the guys I’ve dated have been so dead set on one career it’s hard to get them to talk about anything else.

Workaholics. I used to think that this was just common for guys in my age bracket, but then I discovered that other girls have boyfriends who actually like hanging out with them. All the guys I date are not just driven, but OBSESSED with working. They’re all the type of dudes who feel the need to “stay late” or “work overtime”. They always have their phone out during dinner, they feel weird without their Macbooks, and they frequently break off from society because “work is just really stressful right now!!!!!”

Boring. Sorry to any of my exes that are reading this (I’m assuming none), but one thing you all have in common is that you bore me. I have no one to blame but myself, really, because I’m just not drawn to bad boys. If I date one more accounting major with five of the same polo shirts and an interest in craft beer I swear I’m just going to jump off a cliff.

Gay-ish. Again, this is my fault because I am a total fruit fly and I just love clean looking guys. I continue to date dudes that look like they could swing either way and are way more polished than me. The problem with this one: so far, every guy I’ve dated takes longer to get ready than me.

Great hair. This one probably goes hand in hand with the one above it.

Distracted. I don’t know how else to describe a guy who ignores you frequently, interrupts you mid-sentence, or just straight up forgets they have a date with you. Awesome.

Momma’s Boys. This one kills me. I don’t know WHY I have drawn so many mother-dependent men into my life, especially because not one bit of me is maternal. YOUR MOM DOESN’T KNOW EVERYTHING YOU CHUMP CUT THE CORD ALREADY.

Uncertain. Another one I’d love to blame on my age group but the amount of engagement rings that have been thrown around this year lead me to believe otherwise. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have commitment issues myself, but I mean COME ON. It’s almost laughable at this point how often I’ve heard that “I just don’t want to call you my girlfriend right now” or “I’m not really sure what I want!” It’s always presented in such a “poor me” way too. Like oh life, you are so tough on me, how could you possibly throw a girl who wants to be with me and support me into the mix?! It’s just too much!! You’re all COWARDS. Thanks for lighting up my life.

Ass men. Haha duh. I just felt like I had to throw this in to soften the mood.

So what’s the solution? Hole up in my room, drink white wine and complain? Way ahead of you.

I Couldn’t Care Less

Vandal modifies SeaWorld sign

Ok, so IN GENERAL I don’t really like talking about “relevant issues” because I am not a fucking newspaper and I also believe basically everything I read online (McDonald’s burgers are made from human meat? Wtf?!), so I am just not a credible source.

But, because YOU ALL feel the need to get so fake invested in shit and bombard my life with it, I’ll make a few statements.

Let’s talk about the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. People are pouring buckets of ice water on their heads. BIG FUCKING DEAL. If you don’t give a crap about ALS and you don’t want to donate: don’t. If you don’t want to dump cold ass water on your head, don’t. That being said, trying to turn charity awareness into a negative is just fucking weird, for one, and PLEASE stop pretending like you really care about the drought in California because honestly, you probably didn’t even know it was a thing. SO JUST LET PEOPLE DUMP WATER ON THEIR HEAD AND GIVE ALS PEOPLE SOME MONEY AND DROP IT OK.

People can still not seem to let this Blackfish thing go and now all the SeaWorld commercials are totally sensitive. This one is SO annoying. First of all, SeaWorld is cool. While it is common sense that NO ANIMAL, not just Orcas, should be kept in captivity, it is done with the intent to protect threatened species and avoid endangerment. If you want to raise your future children in a world with no sea animals, be my guest. These animals are born in captivity, and the amount of scientific research and educational value that SeaWorld presents to the community is very, very valuable. When did we all randomly decide to get all fired up about something called a “killer whale” killing people? You’re stupid.

Since I am a San Diego girl I could totally go into the hilariousness/depression that was the Kony 2012 incident but I’m just not really in the mood. I’ll just say that thinking for yourself is never a bad idea. Why don’t you fucking read up on some opposing ideas on a topic before you watch a 2 minute YouTube clip and just hop on board? You’re not a philanthropist, you’re not an activist; if anything you just have white guilt, so relax.

The only advice I can give to people who get so intense about something they’ve heard/seen about for a half second is to simply read a little bit. Nothing is that black and white, not even a killer whale ( haha I’m so funny). If, like me, you aren’t really sold on the Invisible Children charity, or got insanely bummed when you found out that only 15% of your Susan G. Coleman donation actually goes to breast cancer research, find something else. Read something else. Like obviously non-profits need to take some of your money, and that’s fine. Give a shit about something that truly holds value to you, do what feels right in your heart, and carry on with your life.

Basically, you’re just annoying the hell out of me with your fake activism and fake anti-activism. If you actually cared, you’d silently donate your money or time without alerting everyone in the fucking world to how you feel about it.

Peace be with you.

Mom Material

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It probably comes as no fucking surprise whatsoever that I do not want kids. Like Justin Bieber says, you should “never say never”, which I’m not saying…but I’m venturing on the cusp of never.

Since everyone in my fake life (social media) and my real life (roughly 4 people) is engaged or married or praying for both, I’m assuming you lovebirds all want to pop out a bunch of fun sizes too. That’s great! What is more fun than a big family- just ask the Kardashians! They are totally normal and never have any drama.

First and foremost, I’m just going to do what people in AA do and admit my issue. I don’t like children. A lot of people seem to think this is weird because according to them, children are great (debatable), or think that because I used to be a child, I should like them. That logic makes no fucking sense at all. That’s like expecting a skinny girl who used to be fat to like, love fat people. I’m sure she recognizes what they are but she’s probably like ew, help.

I’ll admit that kids are funny sometimes, in the same way that elderly people are funny because they totally just say random shit with no disdain for their audience. I like that. However, kids are extremely needy and like, helpless. I only know how to cook for myself in the sense that I know how to use a microwave, so how the hell could I feed a high maintenance kid?! And I would never bring a child to a restaurant because hello, I’m not a douche.

There is no way in HELL I will change a diaper, and I’m so bad at casually smiling when an infant spits up on me. That’s gross. I can’t even count the amount of times I’ve left my house keys somewhere totally bizarre and I REALLY need those. The odds of me leaving an infant in a Trader Joe’s or Target because I got too distracted by a potential purchase is so high I can’t even deal. I don’t even want to bring up the fact that kids just cry all the fucking time, but it is the worst sound in the entire world. Seriously, I’d rather listen to a Taylor Swift song on repeat than a crying baby.

The only thing I dislike more than actual children are people who have children. People with children are so fucking entitled. WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON’T HAVE A KIDS MENU WITH CRAYONS FOR MY PERFECT SON TO ENTERTAIN HIMSELF WITH AT THIS NON-KID FRIENDLY RESTAURANT?! People who expect the whole world to react to their reproductive choices are just stupid. Not every place in the world is a fucking palace for your toddler. I absolutely love mojitos but not every restaurant or bar in the world has mint leaves, and you know what, I deal just fine.

I don’t want to pretend to give a shit about the newest high chair you just bought for your kid or how your daughter grows out of all her clothes so fast. That’s boring. I “understand” that when you have a baby your life becomes all about the kid, but I mean…it literally becomes All.About.The.Kid. When parents start calling each other “Mommy” and “Daddy” in a non-sexual way I just about die. You can almost feel them sleeping in separate bedrooms.

Plus, the people with kids are always the ones who say “You’ll change your mind!” when I say I don’t want children. Um, WTF. You wouldn’t say that to a pregnant person, why would you say it to me? Since I have actually begun making major moves to ensure that I don’t have kids (“donating” my eggs and implant birth control) at a fairly young age, I get this one a lot. No fucks given.

The ultimate reason I don’t want babies is because I’m selfish. Instead of acting like every parent out there and saying how “selfless” I am, I’m actually going to tell the truth and just straight up say I do not want to

  1. Give up my career goals
  2. Give up my plans for travel
  3. Give up my plans for furthering my education
  4. Give up all my money
  5. Sacrifice my boobs or vag
  6. Share the attention of my lover/friends/family with a baby.

Is this fucked up? I mean I guess. It would be more fucked up if I was actually with child and thought like this. I am impatient, immature, and forgetful. I love to day drink and every other word out of my mouth is a curse word. Maybe if this was 1950 I’d be a regular mother, but as far as I can tell, those qualities are just not mom material.

So blessings upon all of your unions and I hope you all breed happy, healthy little spawns of yourselves. Truly! Just don’t ask me to babysit.