You’re Bugging Me

sat18

After posting a semi-vulnerable blog I felt myself start to freak out a little, so I’m back on my usual path of being mean and funny and..whatever else. Recently I’ve been thinking about the types of people who bug the shit out of me. Hopefully you’re not one of them.

Here’s a little list of people who have been on my nerves lately:

People who adjust my clothing. I can’t stand when people tuck my tags in or flip my hood the right way or pick cat hairs off me. This weird nit-picky behavior is always followed by “Sorry, it was just bugging me”. Look, I’m going to tell you what my dad told me when my brother would wipe his boogers on me during long road trips: LOOK AWAY. Why does my disheveled appearance cause you such stress?? I am all for helping a bitch out if she has spinach in her teeth or toilet paper on her shoes but this shit just makes me feel like you’re on my case.

High maintenance Starbucks customers. Thinking about working at this coffee shop literally gives me the worst anxiety. As I’ve mentioned before, coffee drinkers are such dicks, plus somehow they have crafted these completely insane beverages that take like 20 minutes to order. I get the same chocolate-y, sugary shit every time and it totally sucks ass when I get stuck behind one of these freaks.

Dog owners who don’t get it. The absolute worst thing ever is when you walk by a cute dog and say “hi!” and the fucking dog owner responds. Why on earth would I excitedly say hello to a complete stranger? I’m greeting your dog, moron. I also have a habit of calling all dogs ‘puppy’ just because it’s endearing, and some people feel the need to correct me: “he’s full grown”. Okay Cesar Millan, fucking chill.

Passive aggressive fools. I think anyone with an honest and straight forward personality dislikes passive aggressiveness because it’s the opposite of honest and straight forward. I just can’t respond to it. Sometimes I park like a total dick because I’m a female driver so, whatever. The last time I did it this big fat woman announced “OH I WONDER HOW I’M GOING TO GET INTO MY CAR NOW HO HUM”. I don’t know fat ass, YOU figure it out. If you would have just asked me nicely to re-park my car I wouldn’t have minded at all, but now you’re fucked.

People who make noises instead of talking. One time I got my mom to visit me in San Francisco, and shocker of all shocks, she wanted to ride the cable car. I obliged, and once again, another fat person decided to cause me strife. Once she finally got all of her girth onto the wooden bench (the fat lady, not my mom) she grunted and groaned for the next fifteen minutes. WHAT IS THE FUCKING DEAL. It’s just like sighing, whistling, or drumming your fingers on a table. I’m just going to ignore you. USE YOUR WORDS.

Pairing your selfies with religious quotes. I mean, really.

Kardashian shit-talkers. Ok, look, I don’t expect everyone to want to keep up with the Kardashians because some people don’t even like reality TV (weird). That’s totally fine if you think they are rich, stupid, botoxed, overly made-up attention whores. I’m not going to disagree with you. It’s not like I think they’re these amazing role models, I just like to watch! BIG DEAAAAAAAL. If I want to spend 12 consecutive hours watching their show, I can. And I will. Don’t waste your precious time telling me what kind of people society thinks they are, there’s a Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami marathon on, and I’ve already blocked you out.

Googling Xanax prescriptions right now. Thanks for reading.

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