Dat Ass Doe


I didn’t even realize I had a big ass until sometime during sophomore year of high school. All of a sudden guys who had never spoken to me started lining up behind me during P.E. stretches and I got totally confused.

Up until one of my favorite latinas J.Lo really changed the perception, big butts were associated with ghetto-ness and I mean, well, being fat. Granted, rappers were singing their praises long before, but it took until the 90’s for every other race of heterosexual dude to breathe a sigh of relief and say, “Yeah I’ve always been into big asses too!”

I know I’m presenting this as some kind of research paper but I’m literally basing this on just simply being alive and watching a lot of MTV.

We all know that Jennifer Lopez really brought luscious asses into the forefront of sexy, but Kim Kardashian cranked it up a notch (love you Kim!). How do I know this? In high school I got called “J.Lo”, and in college I got called “Kim K.” Simple as that.

I am not a spicy Latina from the block, or a super sultry Armenian with a sex tape. I am a five foot tall, 100 pound, blonde, 75% white chick who happened to get some big-ass genetics. While it is much more comfortable for me to sit on the floor than it is for other people, my large derriere has been a blessing and curse in my quest for womanhood.

For one, no one really likes being gawked at. Typically it’s not too bad because my ass is behind me, so I don’t usually see people (dudes) staring at it, but trust me, I can feel their eyes. Sometimes people are pretty vocal in addition to visual, and feel the need to ask if I have butt implants or just simply yell “DAYUM THAT WHITE GIRL’S GOT A BIG OLD BUTT”.

In case you haven’t read all of my blogs, or like, met me ever, I basically LIVE in yoga pants- and while I’d have to admit that nearly any ass looks at the very least presentable in these bad boys, they make an already huge ba-donk look even bigger. Plus I’m cheap so it’s not like the yoga pants I’m buying are exactly high quality- so every time I bend over or move, I’m pretty sure the ass part is see-through.

None of my friends will ever lend me skirts, pants, short, or dresses. I’ve ripped and stretched out far too many clothes made for flat asses than I can count. Sorry, guys.

I basically live in fear of spanking.

Squats are a NECESSITY. Gravity is for mother-fucking real, people, and if a bubble butt isn’t causing me enough to worry about, a non-perky one would be the absolute WORST.

I always end up dating guys who feel the need to tell me that their “ass men”. Really? I know. Look, I am BY NO MEANS racist but I have just never really been into black guys, and I think we all know that no one loves a big ass more than a black dude. Right? Right?!?!

Knocking over things or getting stuck between things is routine. I always think I can squeeze through a tight space or crawl under my bed until I remember my ass is there. If I spin around too abruptly, my butt is certain to knock something off a low counter or potentially injure a small child.

All in all, with great ass comes great responsibility, and just like big (fake) boobs, I’m sure they’ll stop being a popular fad eventually. Since my ass is real, I’ll deal with the ghetto/fabulous/fat/delicious/whatever comments that come with it.

Even though my big butt has given me some grief, I’m overall happy that I was “blessed” with a big backside instead of a big…anything else.

Basically any time a song comes on about a girl with a big booty someone feels the need to point at me and go “YEAHHHH GIRRRLLL”, and let’s be real, what could be better than that?


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