It’s been a week since my first festival experience and I thought I should share it with you all. I’d like to begin by saying I talk shit about things a lot and then I do them (old guys, drugs, having a job, etc.). So you’ve probably heard me bash Outside Lands once or twice and now you’re like cool this little hipster bitch is going to share! I thought she didn’t like festivals. Well, all I can say to that is, fuck off, and I still won’t ever go to Coachella.
Here are a few things I’d like you to know:
Outside Lands is in San Francisco, which, I believe, is the greatest city in the world. However, SF is very dirty, and this 3 day shin dig is in a park. Besides the fact that you’re going to be swarmed by gross, sweating, drugged out fools in their twenties, waiting in line to piss (hopefully not poop) in a Port-O-Potty, you are straight up in the woods just kicking up dirt. My best friend and I literally blew pure black snot out of our nose and I’ve had a cough since Monday.
There are two kinds of people at Outside Lands: people who are there to take pictures, and people who are there for an “experience”. I’d like to say I’m the later, but truth be told, I think I was more of the first one. People who want to take pictures know like maybe one third of the bands that are performing, they dress cute, and they don’t roll their balls off, because what if someone tags me? Good examples of these are girls in floppy hats, Asian girls, anyone wearing anything drapey/kimonos, frat guys, and groups who are traveling in packs way too deep. People who want to have an experience are probably dressed much shittier, don’t have problems with claustrophobia, don’t shower often, and also, love drugs and a solid light show, obvi.
Being short is rough. I am a short betch, always have been. The problem is, I didn’t realized how short I was until I was at a music festival. Five hard earned feet of height doesn’t give you jack shit at a concert in the park. I literally remember seeing the top of Kanye’s head ON THE JUMBO SCREEN for like, a second, and it was pretty exciting. Typically short bitches can rely on some guy picking them up and putting them on their shoulders which is hella cute but I had a few “experience” people in my group and Molly apparently really does a number on your upper body strength. Long story short, I didn’t really see anything and I got elbowed in the face a lot.
The food is great. As you may or may not know, I am a huge hot dog fan and there was a good sausage supply at OSL (no pun intended). The cocktails, beer, and food trucks were quite satisfying and after 8 trips to the ATM machines I definitely think I got my fix.
You will only run into the people you don’t want to see. I lived in San Francisco for 5 years and I’d like to think I made a decent amount of friends during that time. Did I see any of them? Nope. Just people I’ve had awkward encounters with, old coworkers that I definitely drunkenly talked shit to, an ex, and some guy who swore we met before and I had no idea who he was. The only person I really was hoping to bump into was Kim K but dare to dream, right.
I would highly recommend Outside Lands Music Festival to anyone who has strong stamina, a good drug dealer, and likes feeling like a sardine. Tall people might also like it. I got some cute pictures out of it, saw (listened) to Mr. Kardashian kill it, and ate some delicious hot dogs with my best friends.
Would I do it again? Probs not, but what did you expect from me really?