Count Yo’ Blessings


My mom is one of those people who meditates and buys crystals, so she’s frequently telling me ways to be a better, more centered person. One of her go-to tips is to make a list of things I’m grateful for. I’ve never taken the time to do it, and to be honest, it’s not really my style, so instead I made a list of things I’m happy I don’t have. Close enough.

1. Community college experience. I was basically miserable all through high school, ready and eager to move on to the next chapter of my life. Community college seemed like dragging high school on even further, and I knew I would hate it. I made an effort to avoid that option at all costs (literally, all costs, I am 60 grand in the hole). Most people I know who gave community college a shot completely hated it and didn’t even make an attempt to finish or transfer anywhere else. I know that it can breed some very successful results, but in general I think it creates a lot of lazy people who dislike the education system and would rather just work at Home Depot. Going away to a 4 year university was without a doubt the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I’m so glad I had that experience over anything else.

2. Since we’re on the college topic, I’d also like to say how happy I am that I never felt any desire to be a sorority girl.  I have always been insanely put off by the big groups of identical looking chicks with Greek letters everywhere assessing if you are pretty enough to pay to be friends with them. Weird, right?

3. Height. Jokes and stupid observations aside, I actually really like being short. I am whopping 5 feet even and I don’t mind. Being short makes plane rides much more comfortable, I can shop in the kid’s section, and I look really cute sitting on a bar stool. I usually just need a tall person around to get things off shelves for me.

4. Rich parents. I will be forever grateful to the young couple who watched a much shorter, wide eyed Kaley look into the Barbie aisle with longing and simply say: “If you want that shit you have to buy it yourself.” My parents taught me the value of the dollar, and hard work. When I was 17 my dad asked me point blank why I was still living in his house. I worked my entire way through college and drove the biggest piece of shit car around for years without complaint. I definitely don’t have my finances together, but I am far from lazy, and even farther from unappreciative. I still know plenty of kids my age who don’t know how to pay a bill. I am an independent woman! Thanks Mom and Dad for always keeping it real and making me do chores.

5. Big boobs. I proudly rock a 32 A cup a week before my menstrual cycle, which usually makes Victoria’s Secret employees look at me like a shelter dog, but joke’s on them because I can run up and down stairs or jump on a trampoline with complete freedom. My shirts never get stretched out, and I haven’t worn a bra to work in like two weeks.  I am actually secure enough to rock my teeny tits without feeling the need to stuff them full of silicone and pray for guys to pay attention to me. Crazy shit.

6. An addictive personality. I’m not even talking drugs or alcohol here. We all know those people who just get obsessed with shit and it becomes all they can talk/post about. Like, I’m sure crossfit is really cool and all but shut the fuck up. I am a big believer in “everything in moderation”. I mean that lady on the radio died from drinking too much water. Chill out.

7. A coffee habit. While I will indulge in the occasional frappacino for the sugar and chocolate rush, I absolutely hate caffeinated beverages, coffee specifically. I think it smells like shit, it makes your teeth yellow, and coffee drinkers are literally the worst. They are the real drug pushers, ok- they’re always up early all twacked out mumbling about their French press, trying to get you to go to bistros with them and shit.

8. Horrible taste in music. While some people may think that The Smiths and Prince qualify as crap, I absolutely despise country, EDM, electro-whatever the fuck- basically any type of music that attracts big ugly festivals with big ugly outfits. You couldn’t pay me to spend even one hour listening to some ugly guy in bedazzled jeans sing about PBR or spend 3 days straight rolling my face off in Vegas while rubbing on people in fuzzy boots. I’m gonna have to say this is a positive.

9. Republican values. I mean, I don’t think I should have to explain this, but I did grow up in East County. I actually care about the people in my country, I think they should have health care. I think women should be able to do what they want with THEIR bodies, I don’t think rich old crusty white guys from the South should tell me what to do, I completely disagree with war and violence of any kind, and I fucking love gay people. So, there’s that. Oh and I voted for Obama. Twice.

10. A husband and babies.  Duh! You knew this was coming. I don’t even have to say anything.

So if you’re like me and you suck at counting your blessings, look around at things in the world that you don’t like and say “I DON’T WANT THAT!” It made me feel better.


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