Bitch Tactics Volume III

barry-gibb-talk-show

“Just Say No”

Maybe it’s because I have a tendency to date people pleasers or because I got so used to hearing that I wasn’t tall enough to go on Disney rides for far too long growing up, but I have a strong, unyielding passion for the word “no”. So many people are afraid to say no, afraid to hurt someone’s feelings, afraid to turn down a date or a drink, afraid to miss a shift, blah blah blah. I’m not saying that I like doing any of these things, but a number one bitch move you should implement into your daily life is the word NO.

I work at a pretty nice Steakhouse downtown. I’d prefer to not say the name because I’d like to keep working there, but anyway, as the hostess I run the front of the restaurant and answer the phones. Most of the places I’ve hosted at are pretty nice, I guess, but it’s safe to say they’d let any old putz walk in. Steakhouses have standards; steakhouses are snobby, and you know what, I like it. Want to make a reservation the day before Valentine’s Day? No. Walk-ins on a Saturday at 7:30? No. You want to sit in a booth but you didn’t request one? No. Walked in straight off the street in fucking shorts and sandles? No no no.

When I was working in rinky-dink service industry establishments I had to say yes to fucking everything, and it blows. The customer is not always right and you can’t have everything you want FOOL.

Saying “no” implies that you are not a fake ass bitch. You know what you want, and even more importantly, you know what you don’t want.

I went on a vacation to Hawaii recently, and let’s just say, I’m not super outdoorsy. The first day was filled with way too many hikes and I was seriously struggling. I am not one to spoil a vacation but sometimes you have to know your limits. I do not want to stray from the marked trails. I do not want to get in the water. I do not want to jump off a fucking cliff. I came to terms with the fact that I am not as cool and edgy as Mila Kunis in Forgetting Sarah Marshall and that’s just fine! If you don’t want to do a gnarly hike on an island say NO. I said no so many times that I spend the entire next day drinking pina coladas. Yes please.

I am all for picking up an extra shift or two if you really need cash, but think about the precedent you are setting by saying “yes” to shifts. I like to set the bar low and just start off saying no. I don’t even say lame lies like “it’s my boyfriend’s birthday” or “I have to work at my other job” or “I’m drunk!” I literally just say no. Seriously, just text back: no. They might not ever ask you again. This goes hand in hand with working over time or on weekends, and contributing during staff meetings.

I don’t want to present myself as a regulation hottie who just gets picked up constantly but being a short blonde with a nice butt does get me occasional male attention. I’m sure you’ve picked up from my other blogs that this is actually something I don’t enjoy. The other day I was at the street fair and some fat drummer asked if I wanted to get drinks with him after he was done playing. I just looked around confused and said “No.” This fucking guy actually had the nerve to ask me ‘why not?’ which hardly ever happens. So I just left. Trust me, a cold hard no will usually make guys look confused as hell and they’ll just walk away.

For a short time when I was in a relationship, I didn’t say no super often (That makes it sound like I did anal, but what I mean is that I just really liked my boyfriend and wanted to make him happy). However, when slutty ass bitches creep on your man, you are more than welcome to say no. Ohhhh you want to hang out with your recently single female coworker because she’s feeling sad? That’s gonna be a no.

I was at a horrendous bar in PB when an equally horrendous trash bag pushed by me to rub up on my boyfriend and squeal OMG I HAVEN’T SEEN YOU IN FOREVER. This hoe didn’t even get a chance to introduce herself (ha, like she was ever going to do that) before I pushed her back about 50 yards yelling NO NO NO NO.

Sluts get nos. That’s just how it works. Don’t waste time trying to be the “cool girlfriend” (again, Mila Kunis, so overrated) when you’re gonna sit at home being pissed for something you could have prevented.

The point I’m trying to make here is that a true bitch doesn’t do things that she doesn’t want to. We all have to suck it up in the name of fun from time to time, but if you sincerely don’t want to do something, or don’t like something that is happening- say no.

A lot of people tell me that I’ll regret this behavior. The dances I missed, the dates I denied, the stupid parties I chose a bath over instead. But so far, I don’t regret a thing. So just, no.

 

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