You Wanna Go To a Real Party?

rustic

I strongly believe that Pinterest is one of God’s greatest gifts to the world. It is an amazing way to learn, craft, grow, and all around waste precious time. Whether or not you ever make that chevron wall décor or lemon Cajun pasta, you THOUGHT about it! You clicked on a picture of it thinking, I’m gonna make that! Think about how much time we spend creeping on people we don’t like on Facebook instead of looking at all the shit in the world we can make gold with spray paint. It’s a much more positive way to spend your time.

There is one minor…issue, if you will, with Pinterest that always finds a way to interrupt my daily scrolling. Wedding shit. I know what you’re thinking, ‘here Kaley goes again, we get it, this bitch doesn’t like weddings’.

Sure, fine, you got me. But that’s not entirely it. When I was blissfully ignorant in my last relationship even I was guilty of falling victim to the wedding board. However, even clouded by the haze of happy coupledom, I noticed something…something…wrong. Rustic weddings.

Rustic weddings are this weird, trendy thing people are actually doing, not just pinning. I don’t really know the rules, but basically it’s like an arts and crafts wedding in the shrubs. Everything is made out of either a chalk board, pieces of wood, or burlap. All the guys wear these ugly vests and there’s succulents as the main display. SUCCULENTS.

Look, I totally get it. You get engaged, you and your BFF go Pinterest crazy, you see all this DIY burlap shit that is just so alternative and boho, and you just know you can convince your maid of honor to make all of these rhyming wood signs in her cute writing. You can totally get her to decorate a wagon.

Here’s the thing: it looks cheap as fuck. You don’t look like Briar Rose doing forest life chic, you look poor. I know your eyes are watering right now and you’re thinking, ‘but Kaley, I am poor!’ I know that, and you probably shouldn’t be getting married if that’s the case.

If I got invited to a rustic wedding I just feel like I’d be itchy the whole time, like I’d be sitting on hay during the ceremony. Then the bride is gonna come out in some lacey, loose dress looking like Dumbledore in a doily caring a bouquet of weeds. Wrapped in burlap. What do we eat afterward, squirrel? Dance around to the lovely sounds of a harmonica and banjo?  Are we drinking moonshine? Stop it, people.

Weddings are like proms. They are outdated, irrelevant, and you take a LOT of pictures. It doesn’t matter if you had a good time or not, you’re going to show these pictures to your children someday. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from having parents who got married in the 80’s, it’s not to rely too heavily on the fashion trends of your generation. If you actually want to put these pictures up in your house, it’s better to go for a classic look. By classic I mean timeless, not “Age of Aquarius meets Wine Country”.

totally blame Pinterest for the rustic wedding craze. I like mason jars just as much as the next girl but Jesus I’m not going to theme a party around it. I don’t even like the word rustic, it makes me think of, well, rust. Why would you want the word RUST associated with your “special day”? I’m just picturing all the groomsmen trying to grow out bushy beards for a rustic wedding. UGHHHH.

To all of my engaged friends who haven’t removed me from their guest lists yet, please don’t have a rustic wedding. I’d actually like to hook up with someone at one of these things, and Paul Bunyan is so not my type.

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