Locals Only

san-diego

Since the de-bunking of that “20 Things” article got me my highest views to date, I thought I’d give it another shot! Summer is in full swing here, and if there’s one thing I hate about summertime in San Diego, it’s the tourists.

Not too long ago, an article was published (and annoyingly over-shared) about “things you need to explain to out of towners about San Diego”. I don’t know you, Sara Norris, but since I am actually from here, I feel like I should share some shit that’s useful.

I’ve lived near the water in Ocean Beach and Point Loma, in the hipster-filled life of North Park, and kept it real suburban in Santee (Clantee). I’ve worked in East County, North County, Little Italy, La Jolla, and Downtown. I have friends and family in almost every pocket of the huge-ness that is San Diego, and I just didn’t feel like this article captured that essence.

Here’s my edited version:

“The Weather Is Almost Perfect”- I mean sure that’s true, but think about the repercussions that has for out of towners. Their expectations are far too high and it’s annoying to see them fall to bits if there’s a little bit of cloud coverage. People (like myself) who enjoy real seasons- the changing colors of fall leaves, a nice April drizzle, and simple snowflakes are overrun with sunshine and heat; it’s boring. I personally think we should keep telling tourists to come in June just so we can laugh at them.

Also, no one here knows how to function if the weather becomes less than ideal. My dad called me during our last “storm” saying one of our patio chairs blew over and there was no way he was going to drive to the gym in such horrible conditions. Sara had it right, “a little bit of rain may as well be the end of the world” but here’s what I need to explain about that: if you’re coming to our city, you deal with our weird behavior! We don’t know HOW to drive in the rain because we never HAVE rain. Don’t swerve around us with your middle finger out the window and try USIN YA FUCKIN BLINKAH.

“Your Beer Isn’t As Good As Our Beer”- I will not fight you on that one Sara Norris. IPAs run SoCal, and if you don’t like Stone, you’re so useless. The problem is, is that for some reason every guy with a beard thinks he’s a brewer these days and is probably concocting some hoppy weird shit in his garage that he thinks will change the world.

“People Don’t Go To The Gaslamp for the History”- How about changing this to “People Don’t Go To The Gaslamp”. Unless you enjoy being surrounded by overdressed Persian-American guys who reek of cologne and skanks in stilettos who can’t function on cobblestone. If you didn’t know (and you’re not from here, so you don’t), San Diego is a military town, which means all the super trendy clubs in the Gaslamp are filled with jacked up dudes who haven’t seen a female in months and are simply DYING to ram their crotches into anything in a skirt.  God Bless America.

“Many People Live Here. Few Are From Here”- Ehhh I don’t know, I think your problem is, like most transplants, you’ve been hanging out in PB way too much. So you’ve basically seen a ton of douches in tank tops simply loving the San Diego lifestyle as they progressively make their way through the world’s worst bars in packs of 10-12.  My parents are San Diegans, I am a San Diegan, my friends are locals, and chances are, I will breed some little San Diegans of my own one day. We’re not unicorns, we just avoid the places you’ve been hanging out at.

“Obey boardwalk etiquette”- I don’t want to even comment on this one because I just can’t deal with the boardwalk. You will end up there as a tourist, and you will probably walk in some annoying fashion just like Sara said. There are better spots to go- like Balboa Park, Little Italy, the OB farmers market, and other places that will give you a real taste of the city- not a place filled with more tourists, but whatever.

“The Trolley Is Always A Bad Idea” –Take it from someone who lived in a real city whose livelihood depended on public transportation, this shit may be slow but it is NICE. You can take it to the Padre games and to fucking Mexico! It’s actually a great addition to San Diego, and I don’t think the locals would like you talking shit about it.

“El Cajon is both a city and a street”- Actually, you big dunce it’s a BOULEVARD.

“You’re Going To Spend A Lot of Time Outside”- …You think that needs to be explained to someone? Jesus.

“People here are unnervingly good looking”- This all depends on where you’re coming from, but to be honest, we’re decent looking at best and most of us have bad personalities. The key component here is that we are HEALTHY. We don’t smoke, we don’t litter, we like running on the beach, and fat people from the Midwest make us upset. Here’s a tip for all you out of towners- KEEP YOUR GROSS SHIT OFF OUR BEACHES. We understand why you want to visit, but our beaches look the way they look because we take care of them. It’s not unnerving good looks, it’s just basic health and hygiene.

I’d also like to add here that San Diego is a couples town. Seriously, everyone is paired off. So even if you are cute, if you’re single, you’ll progressively start to think that you’re ugly because you will constantly be a third (or fifth) wheel.

“No, We Don’t All Surf”- I mean, she’s right, we don’t, but how dull. Here’s some things we do do: walk slow, smoke pot, have really cool dogs, throw our trash away, eat organic, dye our hair blonde, REFUSE TO FEED SEAGULLS, get really pumped up about orcas, parallel park well, engage in taco Tuesday regularly…I could go on but I won’t. If you want to blend in a little, try at least one of these things.

“Swimsuits and flip-flops constitute proper attire”- True, but that doesn’t mean I enjoy looking at guys in sandles. Still grosses me out. And please don’t wear white sunglasses.

“We know our sports teams aren’t that great”- Not exactly. And don’t bring it up (RAIDERS FANS, I’m looking at you). San Diego is not a city of fair weather fans. I actually find San Diegans to be quite passionate about our sports teams,  especially our local heroes like Tony Gwynn and Junior Seau. It’s not that we don’t care, we’ve just cared for so long that there’s absolutely no way we’d go back on our teams now. Keep rocking those Chargers jerseys!!

“We Also Have better Mexican food”- I’m going to combine this with “speaking of Mexico, it’s super close” because I feel the need to change both of these to “GOOGLE A CITY BEFORE YOU COME VISIT IT”. If you actually have to explain that Mexico is in close proximity to the bottom of California, you don’t even deserve to have a vacation because you are so fucking dumb. Also, there’s nothing weird about putting avocados on everything. Transplants always make fun of me for that shit.

“Those flags on the beach? They actually mean something”- Yes, they do. Here’s some other beach tips: Don’t bring an entire buffet. Control your fat children. Don’t put your towel half of an inch away from mine. Take your flip flops off BEFORE you go in the sand. Ease up on all the luggage people, it’s just water and sand.

“San Diego doesn’t mean “whale’s vagina”. Joke’s played out Sara, give it a rest.

As a totally amazing writer and a San Diegan, I don’t know why you wouldn’t round your tips up to an even 20? But that’s just me. So I decided to add one more:

“Guy Fieri ruins everything” DO NOT GO TO HODADS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD IT’S NOT WORTH IT.

 

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