Social Suicide

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Obviously social media plays a huge role in the sharing of this blog, as well as a major means of entertainment, knowledge, and just straight up stalking people. In general, I love doing anything that is a huge time suck, so you will rarely find me complaining about Facebook, Insta, Pinterest, or Twitter (even though I don’t use Twitter).

I do, however, have a problem with certain types of people and the way they conduct themselves on social media (shocking, right). I have a firm belief that the internet should be used to either educate me, inform me, or make me laugh. Here are just a few of the ways you’ve been violating that:

#hashtags: I know what hashtags are for, I get it, but calm the fuck down. Hashtagging “summer” is completely different than #countdowntillmynumberonebesties18thbirthdayholyballsackimsoexcitedicouldpoop. A hashtag is not supposed to be a three paragraph personal essay smashed into one weird thought. It’s annoying. #stahp.

Going to Coachella and being unoriginal about it: I know I will never stop the horrific runaway train that is Coachella, and I’ve come to terms with the fact that bi-annual statuses about the purchasing of tickets is like, the thing now, but have some creativity about it, people. Aside from the 8,000 pictures of you in front of the fucking ferris wheel and you all throwing your crazy hands up for the next DJ set, we have to deal with a rotating special of the exact same phrases over and over. “Take me back!” “Weekend [one,two] winners!” “Falling in love at Coachella!” “Farewell Coachella, it’s been real.” How many pictures of you and your chick posse in crop tops and flower heads bands do you really think we’re interested in seeing? Give it a fucking rest already.

Writing letters to non-people: “Dear shoulder, stop hurting. Ow!”

“Dear work, you suck!!”

“Dear Summer, you’re not ready for me!”

“Dear Coachella, we’re coming for ya!”

FUCKING NO, JUST NO.

Your stupid boyfriend: How many identical pictures do you need to post of you and your boyfriend making out at the Del Mar Fair?? We get it, you’re obsessed with each other.  And seriously, who is taking these? Don’t even get me started on the anniversary updates: “26 months with this hunk!!!!” Um, what the fuck is your relationship a newborn? Who celebrates months?? We don’t honestly care how long you’ve been fondling each other and we really don’t need to see another picture of an over-filtered Tiffany’s ring that you got for just being so special! BOREDOM.

Being spiritually profound: I know, quotes are so cool and Ghandi just gets you these days, but it’s just really hard for me to see you as a little Dali Llama when the day before you literally posted a hundred pictures of you binging on Captain Morgan with your slutty friends. If you aren’t busy pretending to be Buddha, you’re probably posting a fake quote about being fat that you think Marilyn Monroe said. I actually know how to read, so I think I can search for divine guidance elsewhere. Thanks, though.

Checking in at one place: You know this is mainly directed at the gym people who are a whole different category of awful, but I have this one Facebook friend who literally checks in every time he starts his shift. Every. Single. Day. I feel like that’s equivalent to checking in to the bathroom. Obviously we all know you’re going to go there at some point during the day, it’s not really worth advertising.

Being a moron: This is insanely broad, I know, and it can range anywhere from incorrect grammar use to telling us that you barely slept last night for the fifth day in a row. Currently, I think one of the more moronic things you can do is alert us to something that is already blatantly and constantly in our face. The other day, I swear to God, this guy posted: “Song of the moment: Rude by Magic. Gotta listen!” Really. REALLY. The insanely shitty song that is literally played every five minutes on the fucking radio is your song of the moment? I can’t.

Model behavior: I can’t go too into this one because it’s really so sad, but I’ll simply say that just because you got some nerd with a nice camera to take a picture of you in a swimsuit, that does not make you a model. Models actually get paid for what they do, so get over yourself.

I’m sure there are plenty of other stupid social media things that we’re all doing (#askthicke), but these are the ones that really keep me up at night. Stick to sharing “History of Rap” videos and pictures of your dog- I think that should satisfy everyone.

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