Everything You’ve Ever Wanted to Know About Tinder

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Being a writer, and bitchy girl in general, I’ve found that sometimes you have to participate in activities you otherwise wouldn’t enjoy to gather some quality material. So, in the name of writing (and boredom) I’ve been fucking around with Tinder for a few weeks and I’m ready to give you the full breakdown.

Like I’ve mentioned before, pretty much all of my friends are in relationships so they don’t (or aren’t allowed to) use Tinder. However, I have this theory that people in relationships actually kind of like watching and hearing about single people behavior and sometimes even secretly wish they could be us. You can fight me on that one if you want, I don’t care.

Just in case you are one of these people or you live under a rock, Tinder is this app that finds single people in your area, and you get to see pics of them. If you think they’re fugly you swipe left and it’ll bring up a new candidate. If you think they’re hot or something of that nature, you swipe right and it’ll tell you if that person thought you were a hottie too. If you’re a match, Tinder will encourage you to harass them with a message.

Simple enough, right? It’s just like playing “Hot or Not” on your lunch break. Tinder is great because it is completely superficial. You don’t spend hours making (and overthinking) some lame profile explaining how desperate you are, it’s strictly pictures (there is a small bio section but I will get into that later)!

Here are few issues I’ve encountered as a single lady on Tinder:

 Ugliness: The first thing you’ll notice when you get on Tinder is that it is filled with ugly people. That shouldn’t really come as a surprise because the world is filled with ugly people, but you’ll eventually end up with a hand cramp from so much left swiping.

 Being Shady: I know girls play this shit all the time, but be very cautious of guys in sunglasses. Sunglasses are one of the best ways to hide how ugly you are while seeming totally laid back, fashionable, and cool. If he doesn’t have ANY pics without shades on, swipe left.

 Sausage Fests: Guys like to take group pictures just as much as girls do (who knew?). While this is kind of a good move because it shows people that the guy actually has some friends, it’s very risky. There may be a hot guy or two in the group pic and you’ll be like “oh that’s probably him!” IT’S NOT. The Tinder guy is never the hot one in the picture.

 Flavors: I’ve said this before, banging a foreigner is a great experience that I think every lady should get to have. Just tread lightly. No matter how they look, I always avoid guys with foreign sounding names because it’s just safer. My guess is that some d-bag probably told him that Tinder is an easy way to bang American girls for free.  Much like participating in a three-way as the sexy stranger so you can make a clean exit, it’s way better to snag a foreigner in his country because at least you know you’re the one who gets to leave.

Personally, I always swipe left for anything even remotely Mexican because I like to have independent thoughts and leave my house occasionally. Asians too, because I just don’t think they’re cute.

I know…

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 Tell Me More About You: Ok, so the bios on Tinder aren’t a full blown list of likes and dislikes like a real dating site, but you do have like, a sentence sized area of space where you can write about yourself. I, for one, am thrilled to see this area left blank. Any mention of God, where he’s from, if he’s “new to the area and looking for a girl to show me around”, or over-abusing emojis will send me swiping left real quick. Women are always told to remain a creature of mystery, I’d love it if men could do the same.

 Getting Physical: Obviously I’m not going to sit here and say that I (and other women) don’t like looking at a nice body, but there is a difference between sharing the goods and relying on them.  A picture of a guy in his trunks with his dog at the beach is a totally acceptable way to show off the delts. Standing in front of your bathroom mirror with your shirt off and a constipated look on your face is not.

Women aren’t like men, we will not sacrifice a face for a hot bod. Any time I see a guy make a shirtless flexing selfie a profile picture, my mind goes straight to “small dick”. Here are a few other directions guys can take that will lead me to believe that they’re packing light:

  • Being on a motorcycle (or in a sports car)
  • Surrounded by a bunch of chicks
  • Rock climbing
  • Drinking anything with a straw
  • Selfies only
  • Military anything (sue me)
  • Mentioning your height in your bio. I’m actually one of those weird female myths who prefer short guys, but I will say that after swiping through 8 consecutive “6’3”- SD LIVIN!” I start to think you’re full of shit and those extra 3 inches are just your tiny penis.

Unintentional Maneuvers: Cell phones are touchy. Someone might bump your arm. You might want to switch hands. LOCK YOUR SCREEN. There is nothing scarier than the accidental right swipe.

I think that’s everything you need! Keep your expectations low, your thumb posed to swipe left and you should be fine.

Happy Tinder-ing, you shallow bitches.

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