Locals Only

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Since the de-bunking of that “20 Things” article got me my highest views to date, I thought I’d give it another shot! Summer is in full swing here, and if there’s one thing I hate about summertime in San Diego, it’s the tourists.

Not too long ago, an article was published (and annoyingly over-shared) about “things you need to explain to out of towners about San Diego”. I don’t know you, Sara Norris, but since I am actually from here, I feel like I should share some shit that’s useful.

I’ve lived near the water in Ocean Beach and Point Loma, in the hipster-filled life of North Park, and kept it real suburban in Santee (Clantee). I’ve worked in East County, North County, Little Italy, La Jolla, and Downtown. I have friends and family in almost every pocket of the huge-ness that is San Diego, and I just didn’t feel like this article captured that essence.

Here’s my edited version:

“The Weather Is Almost Perfect”- I mean sure that’s true, but think about the repercussions that has for out of towners. Their expectations are far too high and it’s annoying to see them fall to bits if there’s a little bit of cloud coverage. People (like myself) who enjoy real seasons- the changing colors of fall leaves, a nice April drizzle, and simple snowflakes are overrun with sunshine and heat; it’s boring. I personally think we should keep telling tourists to come in June just so we can laugh at them.

Also, no one here knows how to function if the weather becomes less than ideal. My dad called me during our last “storm” saying one of our patio chairs blew over and there was no way he was going to drive to the gym in such horrible conditions. Sara had it right, “a little bit of rain may as well be the end of the world” but here’s what I need to explain about that: if you’re coming to our city, you deal with our weird behavior! We don’t know HOW to drive in the rain because we never HAVE rain. Don’t swerve around us with your middle finger out the window and try USIN YA FUCKIN BLINKAH.

“Your Beer Isn’t As Good As Our Beer”- I will not fight you on that one Sara Norris. IPAs run SoCal, and if you don’t like Stone, you’re so useless. The problem is, is that for some reason every guy with a beard thinks he’s a brewer these days and is probably concocting some hoppy weird shit in his garage that he thinks will change the world.

“People Don’t Go To The Gaslamp for the History”- How about changing this to “People Don’t Go To The Gaslamp”. Unless you enjoy being surrounded by overdressed Persian-American guys who reek of cologne and skanks in stilettos who can’t function on cobblestone. If you didn’t know (and you’re not from here, so you don’t), San Diego is a military town, which means all the super trendy clubs in the Gaslamp are filled with jacked up dudes who haven’t seen a female in months and are simply DYING to ram their crotches into anything in a skirt.  God Bless America.

“Many People Live Here. Few Are From Here”- Ehhh I don’t know, I think your problem is, like most transplants, you’ve been hanging out in PB way too much. So you’ve basically seen a ton of douches in tank tops simply loving the San Diego lifestyle as they progressively make their way through the world’s worst bars in packs of 10-12.  My parents are San Diegans, I am a San Diegan, my friends are locals, and chances are, I will breed some little San Diegans of my own one day. We’re not unicorns, we just avoid the places you’ve been hanging out at.

“Obey boardwalk etiquette”- I don’t want to even comment on this one because I just can’t deal with the boardwalk. You will end up there as a tourist, and you will probably walk in some annoying fashion just like Sara said. There are better spots to go- like Balboa Park, Little Italy, the OB farmers market, and other places that will give you a real taste of the city- not a place filled with more tourists, but whatever.

“The Trolley Is Always A Bad Idea” –Take it from someone who lived in a real city whose livelihood depended on public transportation, this shit may be slow but it is NICE. You can take it to the Padre games and to fucking Mexico! It’s actually a great addition to San Diego, and I don’t think the locals would like you talking shit about it.

“El Cajon is both a city and a street”- Actually, you big dunce it’s a BOULEVARD.

“You’re Going To Spend A Lot of Time Outside”- …You think that needs to be explained to someone? Jesus.

“People here are unnervingly good looking”- This all depends on where you’re coming from, but to be honest, we’re decent looking at best and most of us have bad personalities. The key component here is that we are HEALTHY. We don’t smoke, we don’t litter, we like running on the beach, and fat people from the Midwest make us upset. Here’s a tip for all you out of towners- KEEP YOUR GROSS SHIT OFF OUR BEACHES. We understand why you want to visit, but our beaches look the way they look because we take care of them. It’s not unnerving good looks, it’s just basic health and hygiene.

I’d also like to add here that San Diego is a couples town. Seriously, everyone is paired off. So even if you are cute, if you’re single, you’ll progressively start to think that you’re ugly because you will constantly be a third (or fifth) wheel.

“No, We Don’t All Surf”- I mean, she’s right, we don’t, but how dull. Here’s some things we do do: walk slow, smoke pot, have really cool dogs, throw our trash away, eat organic, dye our hair blonde, REFUSE TO FEED SEAGULLS, get really pumped up about orcas, parallel park well, engage in taco Tuesday regularly…I could go on but I won’t. If you want to blend in a little, try at least one of these things.

“Swimsuits and flip-flops constitute proper attire”- True, but that doesn’t mean I enjoy looking at guys in sandles. Still grosses me out. And please don’t wear white sunglasses.

“We know our sports teams aren’t that great”- Not exactly. And don’t bring it up (RAIDERS FANS, I’m looking at you). San Diego is not a city of fair weather fans. I actually find San Diegans to be quite passionate about our sports teams,  especially our local heroes like Tony Gwynn and Junior Seau. It’s not that we don’t care, we’ve just cared for so long that there’s absolutely no way we’d go back on our teams now. Keep rocking those Chargers jerseys!!

“We Also Have better Mexican food”- I’m going to combine this with “speaking of Mexico, it’s super close” because I feel the need to change both of these to “GOOGLE A CITY BEFORE YOU COME VISIT IT”. If you actually have to explain that Mexico is in close proximity to the bottom of California, you don’t even deserve to have a vacation because you are so fucking dumb. Also, there’s nothing weird about putting avocados on everything. Transplants always make fun of me for that shit.

“Those flags on the beach? They actually mean something”- Yes, they do. Here’s some other beach tips: Don’t bring an entire buffet. Control your fat children. Don’t put your towel half of an inch away from mine. Take your flip flops off BEFORE you go in the sand. Ease up on all the luggage people, it’s just water and sand.

“San Diego doesn’t mean “whale’s vagina”. Joke’s played out Sara, give it a rest.

As a totally amazing writer and a San Diegan, I don’t know why you wouldn’t round your tips up to an even 20? But that’s just me. So I decided to add one more:

“Guy Fieri ruins everything” DO NOT GO TO HODADS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD IT’S NOT WORTH IT.

 

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Vintage, So Adorable

After my DILF post you are probably all thinking that I am basically a pervert. You are correct. To keep the weirdness going, I’ve compiled a list of totally age-inappropriate men that I’m into. Prepare to be uncomfortable (or educated!!!).

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Harrison Ford: It is a straight up fact that Indiana Jones is the sexiest sex symbol ever. He’s smart, he’s brave, he’s edgy, and he knows how to use a whip. Though he may not be aging as gracefully as some, he still gives off the Indiana Jones “I don’t give any fucks” vibe. Harrison Ford is a total bad ass and always stars in the coolest movies (hello, Cowboys Versus Aliens). He is RUGGED, people.

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Mark Cuban: Mark Cuban is the shit. Not only is he a total dick, but his “started from the bottom” humble beginnings story is pretty awesome. Mark is on one of the best shows ever, Shark Tank, and never fails to entertain me with his resting bitch face and blunt honesty. He is the type of guy who has no problem telling you how dumb you are, to your face. One of my best friends described him best: “Mark Cuban is the total package”.

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John Stewart: One of my all-time favorites, John looks better now than he did when he was a young comedian that no one knew about. The Daily Show host is not only well dressed and dapper as fuck but he is SMART. Do not get into an argument with John Stewart because he will school your ass. I almost had to change my underwear after watching him battle Bill O’Reilly. DAMN.

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Johnny Depp: This one isn’t even gross, everyone loves Johnny Depp. He has managed to remain sexy for so many years despite looking like a hobo, weird scarves, and wearing eyeliner. Johnny Depp just looks like a good lover. He also likes chicks my age, apparently, which makes him seem even older, right?

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Christopher Walken: No one ever seems to understand my love for Mr. Walken and personally, I don’t care. I don’t understand how you could not be attracted to him! He has great hair, he’s in so many good movies, and he is funny. Ladies, there is nothing better on God’s green earth than a guy who can make you laugh, and laugh at himself too. Plus he has the coolest voice EVER.

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Jimmy Stewart: I first fell in love with Jimmy Stewart when I saw him as the classic George Bailey in “It’s A Wonderful Life”. He has a voice almost as cool as Christopher Walken’s and is quite the snazzy dresser. His speech about the moon is WAY better than the Jerry Maguire “you complete me specch”. I took an Alfred Hitchcock course in college just so I could watch more Jimmy Stewart flicks!

 

I’ll always have a special place in my heart for cuties like Justin Timberlake and Zac Efron, but let’s be real, there are just some fantasies that only a real man can handle. Are you barfing yet?

Social Suicide

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Obviously social media plays a huge role in the sharing of this blog, as well as a major means of entertainment, knowledge, and just straight up stalking people. In general, I love doing anything that is a huge time suck, so you will rarely find me complaining about Facebook, Insta, Pinterest, or Twitter (even though I don’t use Twitter).

I do, however, have a problem with certain types of people and the way they conduct themselves on social media (shocking, right). I have a firm belief that the internet should be used to either educate me, inform me, or make me laugh. Here are just a few of the ways you’ve been violating that:

#hashtags: I know what hashtags are for, I get it, but calm the fuck down. Hashtagging “summer” is completely different than #countdowntillmynumberonebesties18thbirthdayholyballsackimsoexcitedicouldpoop. A hashtag is not supposed to be a three paragraph personal essay smashed into one weird thought. It’s annoying. #stahp.

Going to Coachella and being unoriginal about it: I know I will never stop the horrific runaway train that is Coachella, and I’ve come to terms with the fact that bi-annual statuses about the purchasing of tickets is like, the thing now, but have some creativity about it, people. Aside from the 8,000 pictures of you in front of the fucking ferris wheel and you all throwing your crazy hands up for the next DJ set, we have to deal with a rotating special of the exact same phrases over and over. “Take me back!” “Weekend [one,two] winners!” “Falling in love at Coachella!” “Farewell Coachella, it’s been real.” How many pictures of you and your chick posse in crop tops and flower heads bands do you really think we’re interested in seeing? Give it a fucking rest already.

Writing letters to non-people: “Dear shoulder, stop hurting. Ow!”

“Dear work, you suck!!”

“Dear Summer, you’re not ready for me!”

“Dear Coachella, we’re coming for ya!”

FUCKING NO, JUST NO.

Your stupid boyfriend: How many identical pictures do you need to post of you and your boyfriend making out at the Del Mar Fair?? We get it, you’re obsessed with each other.  And seriously, who is taking these? Don’t even get me started on the anniversary updates: “26 months with this hunk!!!!” Um, what the fuck is your relationship a newborn? Who celebrates months?? We don’t honestly care how long you’ve been fondling each other and we really don’t need to see another picture of an over-filtered Tiffany’s ring that you got for just being so special! BOREDOM.

Being spiritually profound: I know, quotes are so cool and Ghandi just gets you these days, but it’s just really hard for me to see you as a little Dali Llama when the day before you literally posted a hundred pictures of you binging on Captain Morgan with your slutty friends. If you aren’t busy pretending to be Buddha, you’re probably posting a fake quote about being fat that you think Marilyn Monroe said. I actually know how to read, so I think I can search for divine guidance elsewhere. Thanks, though.

Checking in at one place: You know this is mainly directed at the gym people who are a whole different category of awful, but I have this one Facebook friend who literally checks in every time he starts his shift. Every. Single. Day. I feel like that’s equivalent to checking in to the bathroom. Obviously we all know you’re going to go there at some point during the day, it’s not really worth advertising.

Being a moron: This is insanely broad, I know, and it can range anywhere from incorrect grammar use to telling us that you barely slept last night for the fifth day in a row. Currently, I think one of the more moronic things you can do is alert us to something that is already blatantly and constantly in our face. The other day, I swear to God, this guy posted: “Song of the moment: Rude by Magic. Gotta listen!” Really. REALLY. The insanely shitty song that is literally played every five minutes on the fucking radio is your song of the moment? I can’t.

Model behavior: I can’t go too into this one because it’s really so sad, but I’ll simply say that just because you got some nerd with a nice camera to take a picture of you in a swimsuit, that does not make you a model. Models actually get paid for what they do, so get over yourself.

I’m sure there are plenty of other stupid social media things that we’re all doing (#askthicke), but these are the ones that really keep me up at night. Stick to sharing “History of Rap” videos and pictures of your dog- I think that should satisfy everyone.

Everything You’ve Ever Wanted to Know About Tinder

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Being a writer, and bitchy girl in general, I’ve found that sometimes you have to participate in activities you otherwise wouldn’t enjoy to gather some quality material. So, in the name of writing (and boredom) I’ve been fucking around with Tinder for a few weeks and I’m ready to give you the full breakdown.

Like I’ve mentioned before, pretty much all of my friends are in relationships so they don’t (or aren’t allowed to) use Tinder. However, I have this theory that people in relationships actually kind of like watching and hearing about single people behavior and sometimes even secretly wish they could be us. You can fight me on that one if you want, I don’t care.

Just in case you are one of these people or you live under a rock, Tinder is this app that finds single people in your area, and you get to see pics of them. If you think they’re fugly you swipe left and it’ll bring up a new candidate. If you think they’re hot or something of that nature, you swipe right and it’ll tell you if that person thought you were a hottie too. If you’re a match, Tinder will encourage you to harass them with a message.

Simple enough, right? It’s just like playing “Hot or Not” on your lunch break. Tinder is great because it is completely superficial. You don’t spend hours making (and overthinking) some lame profile explaining how desperate you are, it’s strictly pictures (there is a small bio section but I will get into that later)!

Here are few issues I’ve encountered as a single lady on Tinder:

 Ugliness: The first thing you’ll notice when you get on Tinder is that it is filled with ugly people. That shouldn’t really come as a surprise because the world is filled with ugly people, but you’ll eventually end up with a hand cramp from so much left swiping.

 Being Shady: I know girls play this shit all the time, but be very cautious of guys in sunglasses. Sunglasses are one of the best ways to hide how ugly you are while seeming totally laid back, fashionable, and cool. If he doesn’t have ANY pics without shades on, swipe left.

 Sausage Fests: Guys like to take group pictures just as much as girls do (who knew?). While this is kind of a good move because it shows people that the guy actually has some friends, it’s very risky. There may be a hot guy or two in the group pic and you’ll be like “oh that’s probably him!” IT’S NOT. The Tinder guy is never the hot one in the picture.

 Flavors: I’ve said this before, banging a foreigner is a great experience that I think every lady should get to have. Just tread lightly. No matter how they look, I always avoid guys with foreign sounding names because it’s just safer. My guess is that some d-bag probably told him that Tinder is an easy way to bang American girls for free.  Much like participating in a three-way as the sexy stranger so you can make a clean exit, it’s way better to snag a foreigner in his country because at least you know you’re the one who gets to leave.

Personally, I always swipe left for anything even remotely Mexican because I like to have independent thoughts and leave my house occasionally. Asians too, because I just don’t think they’re cute.

I know…

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 Tell Me More About You: Ok, so the bios on Tinder aren’t a full blown list of likes and dislikes like a real dating site, but you do have like, a sentence sized area of space where you can write about yourself. I, for one, am thrilled to see this area left blank. Any mention of God, where he’s from, if he’s “new to the area and looking for a girl to show me around”, or over-abusing emojis will send me swiping left real quick. Women are always told to remain a creature of mystery, I’d love it if men could do the same.

 Getting Physical: Obviously I’m not going to sit here and say that I (and other women) don’t like looking at a nice body, but there is a difference between sharing the goods and relying on them.  A picture of a guy in his trunks with his dog at the beach is a totally acceptable way to show off the delts. Standing in front of your bathroom mirror with your shirt off and a constipated look on your face is not.

Women aren’t like men, we will not sacrifice a face for a hot bod. Any time I see a guy make a shirtless flexing selfie a profile picture, my mind goes straight to “small dick”. Here are a few other directions guys can take that will lead me to believe that they’re packing light:

  • Being on a motorcycle (or in a sports car)
  • Surrounded by a bunch of chicks
  • Rock climbing
  • Drinking anything with a straw
  • Selfies only
  • Military anything (sue me)
  • Mentioning your height in your bio. I’m actually one of those weird female myths who prefer short guys, but I will say that after swiping through 8 consecutive “6’3”- SD LIVIN!” I start to think you’re full of shit and those extra 3 inches are just your tiny penis.

Unintentional Maneuvers: Cell phones are touchy. Someone might bump your arm. You might want to switch hands. LOCK YOUR SCREEN. There is nothing scarier than the accidental right swipe.

I think that’s everything you need! Keep your expectations low, your thumb posed to swipe left and you should be fine.

Happy Tinder-ing, you shallow bitches.

Nice Tats

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I got my first tattoo when I was nineteen: a small roman numeral IV on my left wrist. My dad took me to the shop, and it took about twenty whole minutes to complete. I’m not going to sit here and act like it was not an extremely epic moment in my life, because that would be false. Since that precious moment five years ago, I have accumulated around eight more pieces of ink, including a sleeve that takes up three-fourths of my arm.

Internally, nothing major has transpired in the course of those five years. Externally, it’s the opposite.

For whatever reason, no matter what revolutionary changes are taking place, no matter what city or country or time period we’re in, people will always find a way to make other peoples’ bodies their business.

Apparently, my personal choices directly affect those around me, especially the elderly.  This old ass guy came up to me AT MY PLACE OF WORK and told me that if I was his daughter he would kill me, and then forever be disappointed by the fact that I ruined  my body. Another gentleman felt the need to actually invade my space and take hold of my arm while explaining how hideous I was for having tattoos.

Is it anyone’s business that I am quite healthy, college educated, fiscally responsible, employed, and an overall kind person? No. But what the fuck planet are you from if you think that touching my body while insulting it is somehow less of problem than the permanent additions I chose to make to it?!

Being a human being with visible tattoos, I guess it is totally appropriate for people to ask me personal questions, constantly.

Did that hurt? Why did you get that? Does this symbolize something? Are you going to get more? Do you like, only date guys with tattoos? Do your parents hate you?  What do you wear to work? Should I get a tattoo? What should I get?

Since I’m obviously on one right now, I’ll answer these. Yes, a needle was going in and out of my body for over an hour, it was painful. I got this tattoo because I wanted to. No, it doesn’t symbolize one single thing. I don’t give a shit if a guy has tattoos or not, and the guy I would choose to date wouldn’t give a shit that I do, either. My parents love and support me in every way. I wear clothes to work. And hello, I AM NOT THE FUCKING AMBASSADOR OF TATTOO TOWN. I don’t know anything about you or your dumb life, why on earth would you ask me such a question. What kind of person asks another person what they should get on their body that would last forever? The only one who can make that choice is you.

People also feel the need to point out other tattooed people to me. You know, because I’m Hellen Keller. “Look, that girl has tattoos too!” Oh I know, I already saw her at the annual meeting. What the fuck?

Aside from people touching, judging, and just straight up asking stupid questions, they also seem to think that I am just filled with regret. What am I going to do when I’m older…what about my wedding…waaahhh wah. I’m not going to waste my precious time explaining what it feels like to have a moment in time translated to a permanent piece of art on your body, but to, again, assume that my personal , planned choices are more likely to negatively impact my life than yours are, then you have your own set of problems. And obviously, we are going to look equally as shitty when we are old.

If I do so choose to get married, I will be looking fabulous as fuck, tattoos and all. If you would prefer to only measure the standards of female beauty by what Victoria’s Secret shows you, then I anticipate a rough road ahead for you. Women with tattoos are just as beautiful, just as smart, and just as approachable as the “girl next door” is supposed to be, and they deserve a hell of a lot better than a trashy stigma and public groping.

That’s my bitch fest for the week. And stop calling them tats.