Bitch Tactics Volume II

16

Bitches are really good at telling you how to dress, even if, like me, they dress like a total slob. It’s because bitches have your best interest at heart. We don’t want to tell you how fugly you are, but it’s our duty as bitches to help you out.

One rarely explored territory is the male bitch, aka my brother Ryder.

For months and months I’ve listened to my younger brother complain about how ugly girls my age dress. Since Summer is the riskiest time for hideous outfits, I asked him to help me out and tell me what ensemble choices my female readers should avoid this season.

We (ok, this is all him) have compiled a list to help keep you ahead of the curve on what’s just simply not acceptable attire. Take notes, ladies.

Ryder is really passionate about footwear:

“Boots just make you look like you want to be different. Those cowboy boots that come up to almost your knee are a huge NO. Like you’re trying too hard, you know they aren’t comfy and they make you look like a dyke.”

“Ugg boots make you look like you don’t shower or care about life.”

“Gladiator sandals just make you look like you have weird feet and you’re trying to hard again.”

“Slip on shoes with pointy toes gotta go.”

“Those dumbass socks that like leave the whole top of your foot open, what is the point? It literally grosses me out.”

“Socks that are bright colors, bitch that ain’t cute.”

…and outerwear:

“Any type of top with weird like loose straps. They make you look poor or like a drug addict.”

“Bathing suit tops that twist in the middle: ugly as shit.”

“Any shorts that aren’t tight. Are you serious…nobody wants to see you looking like a saggy booty.”

“Anything pink sucks. Pink is just an ugly color, it makes you look 5.”

Everything else that looks bad that he didn’t feel like explaining:

High-waisted shorts

Combat boots

Slip-ons

Hats

Turtle necks

Vests

One piece bathing suits

Stupid leggings that look like jeans

Wedges (“they are embarrassing”)

White shorts

Flip flops that aren’t Rainbows

 

Apparently bitchiness runs in the family. I always recommend taking advice from young teen boys- they totally understand the bigger picture.

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