Balls, Balls, Balls


So I guess there’s this big soccer thing going on in Brazil right now and we’re all supposed to give a shit. I literally cannot find one ounce of space in my body that genuinely cares about who wins this thing, but I will be watching. Do you want to know why? Because soccer players are hot.

Soccer players are, without question, the best looking professional athletes around. They are shining examples of the human body in all its perfection; no other athletic activity today presents you with the glorious rugged, sexual energy emanating from the field of sports.

Basketball players are obviously too tall (and yes that is a thing), golfers are old, baseball players look like your dad’s friends, half of all football players are totally obese or will get fat after they retire, and hockey players have jacked up teeth. Rugby players ARE hot, but a little too bulky and most likely gay.

There are exceptions to all of these, of course, but there are no exceptions in the soccer world! Yeah there may be a butter face or two, but come on ladies- soccer players LOOK like athletes! They keep up with the latest hair trends! They have stamina! Their asses are rock solid!!!

The soccer player only has one downside: the drama. Anyone who has perfected the art of rolling around on the ground in fake pain and literally sobbing over a ball getting kicked into a net is going to pull some shit. Being the most dramatic creatures around, I feel like women can handle it, but it is an issue.

I actually had the privilege of dating a semi professional soccer player and let me tell you…it’s great.

In general, something about a naked man just makes me laugh and don’t even try to fight me on that because I know I’m not the only one. Once you date a soccer player though, (which you probably never will) you will find yourself requesting- nay, begging- that he walks around in the buff. Especially if he is from Europe where people actually give a shit about soccer because he’ll wear those tight little underwear…do you know what I’m talking about? Ah, memories.

Anyhoo, I highly recommend watching the World Cup this year, but definitely watch it from the comfort of your home so you can flip to something else during commercials and not be surrounded by soccer fans who, honest to God, are some of the most horrible people ever.

Since I am a Portuguese girl I’d like to give a shout out to the best looking (and most dramatic) team- go Portugal! Cristiano Ronaldo, please start scoring some goals so we can all enjoy you ripping your shirt off and sharing your perfect areolas with the world. Yay sports!


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