DILF, Please!

beckham

I first realized the power of DILFs when I was about 19. I was working at the world’s worst tourist trap of a restaurant that was way too kid-friendly. There I was, standing at the host stand, pretending to work, when the most gorgeous piece of man meat walks in: perfectly dressed, dazzling smile, and big, sculpted arms holding a little curly haired blonde. He was so handsome, happy, and put together I almost didn’t realize the two additional whining children and the miserable looking woman behind him.

It’s not that my dad is a bad looking guy, I just always thought your sex appeal basically vanished when you became a father.  You know, like when khaki shorts and those hideous Adidas sandals (socks optional) are considered appropriate attire. Attractive older men are so much more enticing than women because when they look good they REALLY look good. They don’t have weaves and make up and botox keeping everything in place.

This guy would have been smoking hot in any situation, but the kids really took the temperature to a new level. The children were like a bio: ‘hey ladies- not only am I patient, gentle and kind, but my hardware is doing its job too.’ I spend the entirety of this man’s dinner watching him calmly order entrees for his family, clean up messes, and somehow not take his own life while his wife nagged him all the way through dessert.

Whether we realize it or not, men and women will make choices based off of our primitive needs. You make think you like a girl’s big ass because it looks good in well, everything, but in fact you are attracted to her child bearing hips. It doesn’t matter what your true intentions are- human beings procreate. It’s literally the only thing we’re good at. If natural selection would actually work with humans, this man would be a prime candidate for survival. So even though I have no desire whatsoever to have a baby, all my inner lady juices could focus on was that this foxy dad knows how to plant a seed. AND I LIKED IT.

For whatever reason (Dad issues?), I really like guys with emotional problems- family trouble, a dark past of some sort, crazy exes, whatever- bring it on. I don’t want to engage in the drama, I just really want to hear about it and see its effects. I will sit wide-eyed in bed for hours listening to some gorgeous man tell me about how he wishes his drunk dad would just say that he’s proud of him or that he gets serious social anxiety at parties.

As soon as his eyes gaze off into that black lagoon of internal struggle I turn into a cat in heat. That’s why the ex-wife factor doesn’t really bother me. And let’s be real, if you like DILFs, exes are the fun little cherry on top of your sexy dad sundae. You want an ex-wife if you want a DILF. Ex-wives give you a chance to shine. Plus they make it possible for you to enjoy your DILF without his minions. You want the ex-wife to be a good enough mom that she spends way more time with the kids, but not so good that your DILF praises her frequently.

I can’t speak for my fellow DILF lovers, but my adoration is strictly superficial. Your children are basically a prop to enhance your character. Obviously I want you to care about your kids, but I don’t want to like, get to know them. The real, literal baggage is where I struggle. I don’t talk in a baby voice, I don’t give motherly advice, I don’t know how to cook, and I don’t even know how to hold a child. And what if they’re teenage kids? They’re just going to be like hey, dad, nice whore. But the baggage is necessary! After all, how do you experience the hot dad without all the luggage that made him the DILF he is today??

DILFs are just plain great. They’ve seen it all and done it all; they’ve somehow managed to keep their good looks and vitality despite the exhaustive nature of children. They are providers, and they are care givers. They actually listen to you when you speak. Sure, from time to time a DILF may kiss you gently on your forehead and you’ll wonder if he was being affectionate or just mistook you for his kid for a second, but that’s alright.

So, are DILFs a tangible goal? For me, no. Realistically, I will probably never make major moves with a DILF. I am too young, too naïve, and no matter how much I bring to the table, (which really isn’t much) I will never understand the DILF. I don’t know what it feels like to raise a human, to be responsible for someone’s well-being, and I can’t even pretend like I do. The DILF and I will always be separated by an ocean of experience, which of course makes him that much sexier.

Some of my routine readers are probably thinking “Kaley, you wrote a post about how gross old guys are like a few months ago. And now you’re all into DILFs?”

Yeah, I know that, and my answer is that I don’t care. DILFs are a very special category of men, one that for many years, I’ve only admired from afar. And if I didn’t sample all the flavors, what the fuck do you think I’d write about each week? So just get off my back!!!

I realize that at my age, I should be concerned with really important things like vitamins or opening up a savings account, not enjoying DILFs. But hey, someone’s gotta do it. Truth be told, this past year has been a rough one for me. I’ve learned a lot, and mostly I’ve found that I’m just not girlfriend material- DILF or no DILF. I want to have the grown up fun without the grown-up priorities. I want sex to be the determining factor in my “relationship” but still have a fully clothed conversation over sushi from time to time.  Guys my age always think you’re trying to lock them down and “change them”, no matter what you say or do.

I realize and appreciate that my blogs will get supremely less entertaining if I turn into someone’s significant other, and I’m not ready to be just yet. So for now, I will continue to gather material the best way I know how and practice that F in DILF. (: Happy Father’s Day!

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