A friend and fellow blogger Courtney Jones recently posted a list of 25 things you need to buy when you’re 25. Luckily, I have one more year until the quarter life crisis, but as I read her list I realized that even though most of the things on there were common essentials, I was struggling with them. And the things on the list that I actually had purchased before (like toilet paper) were the very, very cheap versions. How did Courtney gain all of this extensive adult knowledge? I feel like Justin Long in pretty much every movie he’s ever been in…I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing.
Turning 21 was obviously one of my favorite times. I was surrounded by Australian strippers and alcohol; it could not have been better. After the big bash passes, however, you get so sick of the way your voice sounds when you say “I’m 21.” All I could hear was a stupid girl yelling “I CAN DRINK NOW. BUY ME A SHOT”.
My 22nd birthday was awesome because I got belligerently drunk in my favorite city with my favorite people. I spent the entire day and night alternately barfing, singing, and crying and no one judged me. When I said “I’m 22”, I could feel the sigh of relief from those around me, thinking: Ok, this bitch is going to be annoying, but at least slightly less annoying than a 21 year old.
Having sowed many of my wild oats in college, 23 was a very mellow year for me. I was so delusional that I actually thought I had met “the one” and had a romantic birthday. Do you have any idea how retarded it is to be in love at 23? Oh wait, that’s all of you. What a waste of a year.
As I encroach on the big 2-4 I realize that my “early 20’s” are falling behind me. Now that I am in my “mid 20’s”, I can feel the unspoken expectations what it means to be a sort-of grown up, and I am absolutely, completely failing.
Friends, family, and co-workers expect me to have:
- A career
- A career with benefits
- Knowledge of what benefits are
- An IRA
- Knowledge of what an IRA is
- A savings account
- Some type of talent, i.e. cooking, cleaning, knowing how to separate laundry
- Enough maturity to not call a Starbucks barista a bitch
- A boyfriend
- Things to do on Saturday nights
- A working knowledge of North, East, South, and West
- Cash on me…all the time.
They also think that I should have an interest in
- Children- other peoples’ or my own in the future
- Wine that costs more than $4 dollars
- Being engaged, wanting to be engaged, or caring about other people who are engaged
- Interior decorating
- Phone apps
- Guys my own age
- Anything technology related
- Calendars and plannners
- Spirituality/My inner goddess
By now, I should be moving away from:
- One night stands
- Chewing gum all the time
- Disney Pixar movies
- Marathon watching YouTube cat videos
- Keeping Up With The Kardashians
- Stroller hatred
- Sex buddies
- The idea that one hour at the gym is enough
- Going on boring dates because “at least it’s free food”