Great Expectations

Peter-Pan-and-Wendy-Darling-peter-pan-14526250-576-416

A friend and fellow blogger Courtney Jones recently posted a list of 25 things you need to buy when you’re 25. Luckily, I have one more year until the quarter life crisis, but as I read her list I realized that even though most of the things on there were common essentials, I was struggling with them. And the things on the list that I actually had purchased before (like toilet paper) were the very, very cheap versions. How did Courtney gain all of this extensive adult knowledge?  I feel like Justin Long in pretty much every movie he’s ever been in…I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing.

Turning 21 was obviously one of my favorite times. I was surrounded by Australian strippers and alcohol; it could not have been better. After the big bash passes, however, you get so sick of the way your voice sounds when you say “I’m 21.” All I could hear was a stupid girl yelling “I CAN DRINK NOW. BUY ME A SHOT”.

My 22nd birthday was awesome because I got belligerently drunk in my favorite city with my favorite people. I spent the entire day and night alternately barfing, singing, and crying and no one judged me. When I said “I’m 22”, I could feel the sigh of relief from those around me, thinking: Ok, this bitch is going to be annoying, but at least slightly less annoying than a 21 year old.

Having sowed many of my wild oats in college, 23 was a very mellow year for me. I was so delusional that I actually thought I had met “the one” and had a romantic birthday. Do you have any idea how retarded it is to be in love at 23? Oh wait, that’s all of you. What a waste of a year.

As I encroach on the big 2-4 I realize that my “early 20’s” are falling behind me.  Now that I am in my “mid 20’s”, I can feel the unspoken expectations what it means to be a sort-of grown up, and I am absolutely, completely failing.

Friends, family, and co-workers expect me to have:

  • A career
  • A career with benefits
  • Knowledge of what benefits are
  • An IRA
  • Knowledge of what an IRA is
  • A savings account
  • Some type of talent, i.e. cooking, cleaning, knowing how to separate laundry
  • Enough maturity to not call a Starbucks barista a bitch
  • A boyfriend
  • Things to do on Saturday nights
  • A working knowledge of North, East, South, and West
  • Cash on me…all the time.

They also think that I should have an interest in

  • Children- other peoples’ or my own in the future
  • Wine that costs more than $4 dollars
  • Being engaged, wanting to be engaged, or caring about other people who are engaged
  • Interior decorating
  • Holidays
  • Phone apps
  • Guys my own age
  • Anything technology related
  • Calendars and plannners
  • Spirituality/My inner goddess

By now, I should be moving away from:

  • One night stands
  • Chewing gum all the time
  • Disney Pixar movies
  • Marathon watching YouTube cat videos
  • Keeping Up With The Kardashians
  • Stroller hatred
  • Sex buddies
  • The idea that one hour at the gym is enough
  • Going on boring dates because “at least it’s free food”

 

SOMEONE HELP.

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