Have you noticed that everyone is engaged? Seriously. I’m excluding all the Mormons and super Christians from this rant because I think everyone and their promise rings know that they don’t count.
I’m talking about the rest of us sinners- my peers! My Facebook feed has been bombarded with pictures of sparkly new rings and black and white pictures of couples embracing on the beach.
Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a shindig with free food and booze as much as the next girl, but what the fuck is going on?
I’m starting to feel like Will Smith in I Am Legend, wondering if there’s any of my own kind left out there, because as far as I can tell, all the bitches my age who aren’t married yet are either making their way to the aisle or waiting for it to happen. It’s like this weird plague suddenly got in the wind of everyone in my age group, and I’m seriously so baffled by it.
When did you all get so mature?! Do you just spring out of bed one day and say “Hello world! Today is the day! Let’s make the biggest commitment out there!” And then walk down the hall to your parents’ bedroom to share the good news?
I know I’m coming fresh off the break-up train, but please don’t mistake my genuine confusion with bitterness. I just can’t even wrap my head around the fact that nearly half of my graduating class has already found their one and only. I’d literally rather sit through a Nickelback concert than organize a seating arrangement for people I barely like. Some days I’m not sure how I feel about myself, how could I possibly like another human being enough to hang out with them forever?
I hate to bring this up too but there is no way I’m the only twenty-something out there with bills and a student loan. Don’t you want to obtain some kind of decent savings account before your share all of your financial issues with someone? I couldn’t afford my cat’s food last week let alone a solid piece of engagement jewelry. Are any of us really in a position to be a supportive wifey/husband?
I sense a strong desire to prove your happiness with all this engagement stuff. I mean isn’t that what a wedding is? A big ‘look at me’ party? A nice way to get gifts? I, personally, do not even know enough people to fill out a decent wedding party, and I certainly don’t want to feed them.
I still feel like such a child, I think if I sent out wedding invites to my friends and family members they’d think I was kidding. I know all of my engaged girlfriends are reading this thinking oh my, poor Kaley, she’s such a bitch and she just doesn’t understand true love. This is only half true.The most annoying part of the whole epidemic is that every time I bring it up, someone goes “Oh, don’t worry, it’ll happen for you!” Whoa, whoa, WHOA. It took me five years to finally adopt a cat and I’m not even sure how I feel about that choice. It’s actually kind of insulting to assume that I’m sitting around pining for a piece of jewelry to make me feel better.
I am so happy for my friends that are starting their futures, and I’m stoked that George Clooney finally decided to bite the bullet too. Of course I am a bitch, but I do understand a thing or two about a solid relationship. I’d just rather have one with myself. I’d like to attempt to work on the learning, growing mess of a human that is Kaley before I bet half of my shit that I’m going to love someone forever.
I wonder how many of my wedding invites are going to get “lost in the mail” after this post.