Yoga Pants: You’re Welcome

ryan-gosling-loves-yoga-pants-500x493

Or…“How I’ve Been Wearing The Same Ensemble for 5 Years”

So often people say to me, “Kaley, not only are you smart and hilarious- you are also chic! Where do you get your style from?”

I’m not one to reveal all my secrets, but fashion is really important to me, and I think it’s crucial that I share that.

I’M TOTALLY JOKING.

However, I have graduated from a university, purchased a vehicle (kinda), held a multitude of jobs,  raised a kitten, met dudes, and put a teeny tiny thumb print on the world all while wearing the same outfit.

HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?!

It all began in San Francisco…

Though a very fashion forward and eccentric city, it is also a city of artists. Artists are totally sloppy. Once I realized that I, too, am an artist, I discovered how appropriate it was for me to look disheveled. For two and half successful years I wore yoga pants, a Disneyland sweatshirt, and moccasins. Sometimes I wore a scarf to spice it up. Pair this look with a bun and black rimmed glasses and there was no question in any San Franciscan’s mind that I was a writer!! And a talented one, no less. Of course I was too busy working on my craft to trouble with typical conventions of beauty!

Yoga pants are perfect for college life as they can easily transition from a daytime lecture straight into bed for a nap.

“But Kaley,” you’re probably thinking, “you’re such a catch. What do you wear on all your dates?”

I’m glad you asked.

While yoga pants provide extreme comfort for both learning and lounging, they perfectly form to the shape of my ass, enhancing its round, perky shape, thus making them an ideal date night option. Before any night life activity, I would switch my moccasins for boots, and the Disneyland sweater for some type of off-the-shoulder long sleeved top (don’t get concerned, it’s equally as comfortable).  I occasionally wear a printed top with a jean jacket. I am a HUGE fan of the jean jacket. Thanks to yoga pants, I never experience a Bon Jovi moment!

Unfortunately, I’ve found that I do have to brush my hair for dates, so be prepared for that. Throw on some mascara and lip gloss- voila! You are date ready.

I always recommend going panty-less or wearing a very sexy thong for the night version of this look. You never know where the evening will take you when your ass is presented so perfectly.

“Alright, fair enough,” you will say, “but what about work? There is no way you wore yoga pants to work.”

Oh you simple minded peasant, of course I did! Here are just some of the jobs I’ve held where I wore yoga pants (to every shift):

  • A restaurant in the heart of San Fran’s union square. Scratch that, two.
  • A trendy wine and whiskey bar
  • A gym
  • A hipster Mexican restaurant
  • Assistant to a Sales and Marketing Manager
  • A five star steakhouse
  • Administrative assistant
  • Personal assistant

And….right now. As a writer and blogger, I wear yoga pants to the office (and around my house) daily! Pair yoga pants with a black blazer and a watch- oh my, what a cute assistant! Yoga pants with black booties and a draped shawl? Steakhouse hostess! All of a sudden my hair isn’t in a messy bun, it’s a classy top knot. Earrings, eye liner, and shoe choice all showcase how versatile yoga pants can be.

If your yoga pants have gone through enough washes and are starting to fade- don’t throw them out! You can, in fact, wear this seemingly useless item to the gym! Yoga pants can be used for a yoga class!

Here are a few other examples of times I’ve worn yoga pants:

-making food

-grocery shopping

-happy hour

-hiking

-sleeping

-cleaning the litter box

-writing this blog

-shopping for more yoga pants

The list goes on!

So ladies, if you’re ever stuck wondering how to spice up your wardrobe, $4 generic black leggings will really do the trick. I’ve been happily wearing yoga pants for about five years now, and if there’s anything I know, it’s that most girls want a life that’s just like mine!

Xoxo,

Your favorite fashionista

**I have no idea what the difference between yoga pants and leggings are and I really didn’t feel like researching it. I’m talking about cheap ass Forever 21 black stretchy pants, you basic bitches.

Advertisements

20(ish) Reasons Why I Think The ’20 Things 20 Year Olds Don’t Get Article’ is Stupid

jenlaw

So for a hot minute I remember seeing this article pop up all over my Facebook news feed.  When I decided to read it, I was pretty surprised at how crappy it was, and even more surprised that my college friends were spreading it around. Being the target of this article, I know that I am not rich, or crazy smart, or powerful…and that there are plenty of things that I really don’t get. But I do think that this article, crappy or not, speaks to a very specific type of 20 year old.

I went to college a hop, skip and a jump away from the start up capital of the world. I lived in the bay area for almost 5 years, watching people my age make shitty money working long hours for the potential of selling a website or app. I understand that new tech companies, websites and apps come out every day- and that kids my age are making it happen. I think that’s great- but I also think that there is no guidebook to success, no black and white rules on how to reach the top, and I definitely think that there is so much more out there to feed our young souls than an article that teaches you what you “don’t get”.

And that, my friends, is why I compiled roughly 20 reasons about why I “don’t get” this article.

1. “Time is Not a Limitless Commodity”- What a great way to start an article! Telling young, eager, fresh faced college grads that they’re running out of time. You know what I think? Give yourself a year, hell two, to work a bullshit job, travel, get a credit card, and say ‘FUCK IT I’m finding my way’. Having a “heightened sense of urgency to take it to the next level” sounds like a great way to get bags under your eyes and miss out on…oh, I don’t know, being young? I think your twenties are the perfect time to TRY! Now is the time to experience new things and make some mistakes. You’re young enough to bounce back and learn and THAT is a beautiful thing.

2. “You’re Talented, But Talent is Overrated”- First of all, fuck you Jason Nazar, because we are all talented. Here’s something you should do in your twenties: don’t ever let anyone dull your sparkle. Be proud of being part of the “capable, creative, knowledgeable and multitasking generation”. This tip sounds like an advertisement for the army. And I’ll take the “Give You a Sh-t Medal”, thanks!

3. “We’re More Productive in the Morning”- I do think this is true, but let’s be honest, it’s not that brilliant of an observation. I can’t speak for my entire age group here but if you were anything like me, you worked your ass off in college, partied hard, and scraped by at some shitty restaurant or bar until 3 AM to pay your bills. You didn’t give a flying fuck what time you were most productive, you just wanted to survive. Here’s one thing that Jason Nazar doesn’t get: 20 year olds like to sleep. I don’t know how much time you spend with your grandparents, but they get up EARLY. So don’t fret, you can be at your productivity peak later. Oh but wait! Time is not limitless…I forgot. Shit.

4. “Social Media is Not a Career”- HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH can someone please call Mark Zuckerburg and let him know this

5. “Pick Up the Phone” – This one is weird. Who isn’t using the phone? I’d say about 90% of my clients talk to me on the phone for four seconds and then tell me they’ll email me everything else. You best believe that they are making a lot more money than I am.

6. “Be the First In & Last to Leave”- I HATE THIS ONE. Maybe it’s because my life long dream has never been to work in corporate America, but I think that this is horrible advice. No one will think you’re a good worker, they’ll just take advantage of you. There is nothing desirable about being an exhausted workaholic. Leave at 5. Leave when your shift ends. Whatever. Get a margarita.There are plenty of studies that show how unproductive humans become after 2 PM. I’m one of them. I don’t see any benefit in spending your entire day at your job. ESPECIALLY when you’re in your 20’s.

7. “Don’t Wait to Be Told What to Do”- I agree with this one.

8. “Take Responsibility for Your Mistakes”- This one, too.

9. “You Should Be Getting Your Butt Kicked”-  Um, did this guy even see The Devil Wears Prada? How is running around town doing personal errands and being called the wrong name at your job valuable to your career? I’m sorry, but if you have a boss that asks you for an unpublished Harry Potter manuscript, I don’t care if you’re 25 or 55- you should bail!! There’s a difference between demanding excellence and treating someone like a bitch dog. I think a valuable boss would want you to succeed in your own field of interest, not just theirs.

10. “A New Job a Year Isn’t a Good Thing”- I’m on the fence about this. I don’t think you should bop around every month, but I am a believer in doing what makes you happy. I’m also a big fan of sampling many flavors. The other day on Craigslist I realized that I could search under: admin, education, food and hospitality, nonprofit, retail, and writing. Granted, the only one I’m a boss at is food; I can host the shit out of any restaurant. And I know, I know, jack of all trades, master of none…regardless, you should be able to change your career, change your path, change your goals, etc. whenever you please. And if you actually DID watch The Devil Wears Prada, she only stays at the job for a year. Just saying.

11. “People Matter More Than Perks”- I have no idea why he thinks 20 year olds would get on board with this. Hmmm, looking for a job…student loans up the ass…a shitty apartment…no healthcare….I didn’t come to work to make friends. I’ll take the perks. THANKS.

12. “Map Effort to Your Professional Gain”- Sure, why not.

13. “Speak Up, Not Out”- I agree with this, not only in a work environment, but in everyday life as well. I also think, however, that if you’re twenty-something and attempting to start a career, you should probably just shut the hell up all together. At least at the beginning.

14. “You HAVE to Build You Technical Chops”- Ok, maybe I didn’t see the footnote that said “this article is for douchey nerdboys who like a cubicle lifestyle and no human contact”. Give me a break, not all of us want to live like that. We are in a technical age, I agree, but I believe that it is much more important to work on your skills away from the computer. I have a very good tech-savvy friend who works for Google and is killing it! I also have a friend who is a dance teacher that can barely use email and works about 4 hours every day. Guess who comes home in a better mood each day?

15. “Both the Size and Quality of Your Network Matter”- In other words, how much ass are you willing to kiss? How well connected are you to stuck up rich people that can give you a job? Sounds fun.

16. “You Need At Least 3 Professional Mentors”- Everyone and their mother knows you should have three professional references on your resume. Shut up, Jason.

17. “Pick An Idol & Act ‘As If’- My idols are Lisa Vanderpump and J.Lo. I’m on my way!

18. “Read More Books”- OBVIOUSLY.

19. “Spend 25% Less Than You Make”- My eyes glaze over whenever I read this one because there are numbers and percentage signs but yeah whatever, spend wisely.

20. “Your Reputation is Priceless”- I THINK WE ALL KNOW NOT TO POST NUDES ON THE INTERNET.

Call me a free spirit, hippie, lazy, whatever…I think that our generation should be proud of our diversity, creativity and uniqueness. I think you should make more time for your friends and family. I think you should have lots of (safe) sex while you’re young enough and hot enough. You should probably work in a restaurant or retail so you know how to treat people better, but don’t spend you 20’s letting someone from Forbes tell you what you do and don’t understand.

I’m working on my own little article called “20 Reasons 20 Year Olds Kick Ass”. Maybe we can blow that one up on Facebook too. (:

 

It’s Not Me, It’s You

darla1

Or, “Male Habits That We Need to Stop Supporting”

1. An unhealthy obsession with sports- I grew up with a father who would cause our dogs to piss all over the floor because they were so scared when he’d start yelling during Charger games. Whenever they’d fuck up or lose (so pretty much all the time) my dad would lock himself in his room or for the rest of the day or drive around town to cool off. My mom still says that part of the reason she had to get a divorce was because he gave her an XXL football jersey for Christmas one year. But my dad’s not the only one. I have a friend who isn’t “allowed” to text her boyfriend during baseball games.  I saw a male friend of mine cry over a basketball game in a crowded bar. My ex boyfriend related his favorite soccer team losing a game to all of the Kardashians dying. That’s where I draw the line.

2. “Being honest”- If I had a dollar for every time some dumb woman said “well at least he was being honest” after every rant I went on, I could have bought a much better vibrator by now. I seriously hate when people say that. Why do men get an award for being honest? You don’t get a free pass for telling me you were banging my boss before you got caught. You know what I am, all of the time? Honest! I don’t get any applause for telling you that your penis is small.

3. Correctly identifying feelings- Men get forgiven at the drop of a hat for saying things like, “I was scared” “Everything is so confusing” “You hurt me”. Oh you magical creature! Here, lay down- let me bring you a glass of milk. Big deal. Women experience and acknowledge our feelings every moody second of the day and you know what they get called? Bat shit crazy. Men do it and they’re “sensitive”. If you’re going to continue to promote the idea that you’re the stronger, superior sex, I am not going to bring you a Snuggie every time you fuck up because you were “scared”.

4. Saying that they like natural girls- Rightttt that’s why Playboy is such a successful magazine. Just stop saying it. You don’t even know what you’re talking about. I have a hair dresser, a waxer, a tanning salon, and a Schick Quatro for a reason.

5. Spending too much time in the bathroom- Seriously. Why does it take you that long to poop? It makes us nervous.

6. Reconnecting with an ex- It’s never okay. EVER. Don’t like her pictures on Instagram, don’t comment on her lame Facebook status, don’t text her! I don’t care if she’s about to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge, you do not take that bitch’s call.

7. Saying they’ll “never do” something- I’m not saying to argue with your dude on this one, but I take every “I never” with a HUGE grain of salt.  My ex said he’d never buy a girl jewelry unless it was an engagement ring. Tell that to my diamond earrings and Michael Kors watch I got two months later. Just saying.

Everyone’s Doing It

320142_254801664640677_569392491_n

Have you noticed that everyone is engaged? Seriously. I’m excluding all the Mormons and super Christians from this rant because I think everyone and their promise rings know that they don’t count.

I’m talking about the rest of us sinners- my peers! My Facebook feed has been bombarded with pictures of sparkly new rings and black and white pictures of couples embracing on the beach.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a shindig with free food and booze as much as the next girl, but what the fuck is going on?

I’m starting to feel like Will Smith in I Am Legend, wondering if there’s any of my own kind left out there, because as far as I can tell, all the bitches my age who aren’t married yet are either making their way to the aisle or waiting for it to happen. It’s like this weird plague suddenly got in the wind of everyone in my age group, and I’m seriously so baffled by it.

When did you all get so mature?! Do you just spring out of bed one day and say “Hello world! Today is the day! Let’s make the biggest commitment out there!” And then walk down the hall to your parents’ bedroom to share the good news?

I know I’m coming fresh off the break-up train, but please don’t mistake my genuine confusion with bitterness. I just can’t even wrap my head around the fact that nearly half of my graduating class has already found their one and only. I’d literally rather sit through a Nickelback concert than organize a seating arrangement for people I barely like. Some days I’m not sure how I feel about myself, how could I possibly like another human being enough to hang out with them forever?

I hate to bring this up too but there is no way I’m the only twenty-something out there with bills and a student loan. Don’t you want to obtain some kind of decent savings account before your share all of your financial issues with someone? I couldn’t afford my cat’s food last week let alone a solid piece of engagement jewelry. Are any of us really in a position to be a supportive wifey/husband?

I sense a strong desire to prove your happiness with all this engagement stuff. I mean isn’t that what a wedding is? A big ‘look at me’ party? A nice way to get gifts? I, personally, do not even know enough people to fill out a decent wedding party, and I certainly don’t want to feed them.

I still feel like such a child, I think if I sent out wedding invites to my friends and family members they’d think I was kidding. I know all of my engaged girlfriends are reading this thinking oh my, poor Kaley, she’s such a bitch and she just doesn’t understand true love. This is only half true.The most annoying part of the whole epidemic is that every time I bring it up, someone goes “Oh, don’t worry, it’ll happen for you!” Whoa, whoa, WHOA. It took me five years to finally adopt a cat and I’m not even sure how I feel about that choice. It’s actually kind of insulting to assume that I’m sitting around pining for a piece of jewelry to make me feel better.

I am so happy for my friends that are starting their futures, and I’m stoked that George Clooney finally decided to bite the bullet too.  Of course I am a bitch, but I do understand a thing or two about a solid relationship. I’d just rather have one with myself. I’d like to attempt to work on the learning, growing mess of a human that is Kaley before I bet half of my shit that I’m going to love someone forever.

I wonder how many of my wedding invites are going to get “lost in the mail” after this post.