Bitch Tactics Volume I

I’ve been a bitch pretty much my whole life.

I learned to read a lot faster than the other kids, and I definitely let it be known by correcting the spelling and grammar of every child (and adult) that I came in contact with. Most home videos I’ve seen usually include some variety of me slamming multiple doors and refusing to show anyone my newest tap dancing routine. I dumped my kindergarten boyfriend Tony on the last day of class because his older brother had given him a black eye and I didn’t want to take any pictures with him. This behavior continued throughout junior high, high school, and safe to say, a good amount of college.

Over time I have found that being a bitch, a real bitch, is a talent. Anyone can be mean. It’s so much more than that. It’s similar to what Tyra Banks refers to as modeling H to T (that stands for head to toe, for you non Oxygen channel marathon watchers). Bitchiness, much like modeling, involves your entire body, including your face, as well as a wide range of expressions, tones, and emotions.

To make up for 23+ years of constant bitchiness and sass, I thought that I should share some of my “skills” if you will, with the community. In this lesson, we will uncover what I like to call ‘The Blink and Walk Away’.

When people share information with me that is catty, boring, or stupid, instead of simply telling them that they are catty, boring, or stupid I blink at them multiple times in rapid succession and then walk away while shaking my head. I know it sounds meager but it’s highly effective. By distributing a look of utter shock mixed with embarrassment, you are making this lame person feel not only stupid, but inferior to you. Blinking and walking away leaves the shit-talker to stand alone and wonder how dumb their question or comment actually was, and more importantly if they should ever speak to you again (which they should not).

A great example of this can be found here:

I use this particular maneuver when someone is speaking badly about someone I like. The shit-talker wants you to engage- DON’T. That’s for amateurs. Another fun thing about walking away without speaking, makes the other person concerned that you are going to tattle on them! Which you’re not, but it’s still fun to make them squirm. This brings me to another bitch tip that I should probably share now: don’t talk shit if you’re afraid of the person finding out! What’s the point? You can say as much mean stuff as you want, but you should probably be confident that you would actually say it to the person’s face.

I once told a particularly snotty girl who had made fun of my job working at a bar that she could only have an attitude like that if she was better looking. It’s mean, but it’s true. I didn’t say it to my circle of friends, or a stranger, I said it to her. I’m sure she had some sort of response but I don’t remember because I started blinking at her and then walked away.

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