If you’re anything like my father or brother just hearing a woman state “I have cramps” makes you squirm in disgust and you should probably not read this post.
I just finished my cycle and I couldn’t help but realize what a ridiculous insane psycho it turns me into. As far as girls go, I am definitely on the crazier side, but when the crimson tidal wave rolls through I take it to a whole new level.
I started my period at the mature age of 11. I spent a few years in terror of tampons, a few more years using my period as an excuse to get out P.E. and the rest of the time in the fetal position praying for menopause or hoping someone would sell me Quaaludes.
Instead of turning into Jordon Belfort, I learned to cope with my feminine issues the “holistic” way. Please feel free to try these at home.
1. Make strange noises and breathe like a woman in a Lamaze class- I’ve never given birth so it would be unfair to compare menstrual cramps to labor pain, but it does feel similar to an alien/ninja type life form wreaking havoc on my uterus. I am so dramatic when my cramps hit that I feel the need to share my struggle with everyone in ear shot. If I’m in public I will grunt and groan like a fat woman trying to get comfortable through every little pinch of pain. If I’m in my car/bed/anywhere I think is enclosed you’ll probably hear me scream something along the lines JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL every hour or so. Due to the sharp, stabbing pain that shoots down my lower back and thighs I attempt short rapid breaths to get me through the agony while doing weird lunges to somehow ease the pain that’s radiating down my legs.
2. Binge eat- Personally, I downed 4 hot dogs, a milkshake, In-N-Out fries (animal style), nachos, a brownie sundae, a box of Cheez-Its, a blueberry bagel, and 2 glasses of $3 wine. That was Sunday.
3. Hate everyone- I will literally sit in my room stewing in anger thinking about the potential hurtful things I can say and do to anyone who walks through the door. Please don’t ask me for directions, assistance, some company, and don’t even THINK about passively aggressively insinuating that I didn’t park correctly. I try to go into hibernation and shut myself in my room for the entirety of my period so I don’t accidentally murder someone.
4. Titanic is all that matters-I’ll probably watch this 90’s classic anywhere from 6 to 30 times in a week, sometimes back to back. It’s never disappoints.
5. Cry about everything- EVERYTHING. If I’m not tearing up over “My Heart Will Go On”, you’ll be probably see my eyes water if I’m out of cream cheese or my shorts are too uncomfortable. One time I got my eyebrows waxed during my period and I started to cry after the first brow. My waxer immediately stopped and looked at me, concerned, asking if it was too painful. I told her I was “just going through a lot right now” in between sobs.
6. Ask complete strangers for money- Thanks a lot, economy, because somehow a variety pack of Tampax pearls is now almost 9 dollars. I didn’t want to break a $20 on my last tampon run and I was 5 cents short for exact change. I started to cry and begged random mothers and teenage boys for a nickel. The cashier looked so concerned that she gave me a whole dime.
7. Bring Band-aids- I actually looked this up, and it has something to do with your hormones apparently but I am beyond uncoordinated when I’m on my period. My hips are always bruised up from walking into tables, I drop everything two seconds after I pick it up, and I trip over nothing. In regular life this is funny, but since I’m a hostess at a nice steakhouse I’ve had to spend a fair amount of time convincing my bosses that I’m not drunk at work. Again.
The female body is a mysterious and magical thing…or so I’ve heard in my health and women’s studies classes. I can’t wait for the day when my body decides I’m no longer fit to reproduce and I can purchase my last box of over-priced Tampax pearls. Jesus take the wheel.